The Apprentice: series five, week 12

Posted by Stewart Turner

It’s been a big weekend for The Apprentice. First the news Sir Alan’s set to be rebranded as the fearsome “Lord Sugar”, then the bombshell that Margaret Mountford’s thrown in the towel after five long years of raising an eyebrow and pursing her lips. Don’t be surprised if another no-nonsense woman named Maggie is handed the keys to No.10 Downing Street next year while Gordon Brown’s busying himself with a clipboard watching people wash cars, that’s all I can say.

With all this craziness, there was always a danger the final showdown between blonde business android Kate Walsh and restaurant-running rough diamond Yasmina Siadatan might be overshadowed, but luckily the Beeb’s decision to give Adrian Chiles a night off from Match of the Day 2 and give the show the amount of airtime usually reserved for the death of a monarch ensured we had a chance to get suitably pumped up for the final act.

This being the final, Sir Alan dragged a few familiar faces on board to help a clearly delighted Kate and Yasmina, and after initiating a school PE lesson-style team-picking session which saw poor old Rocky Andrews standing alone at the end, the business equivalent of the fat kid who can’t throw and smells of stale wee, the leading ladies were asked to come up with a concept for an exciting new chocolate product.

Kate drew the short straw and ended up saddled with Sandhurst drop-out Ben, a man who never has the act of coitus too far from his grubby little mind, despite famously bellowing that “business is better than sex” in the opening episode. Kate rather sensibly rejected his idea of a sex-act shaped novelty chocolate box, and instead settled on a selection of sweets a loved-up couple could share somewhat less pornographically. A nice idea, but somewhat scuppered by some shoddy packaging which made it resemble a particularly powerful treatment for thrush.

This week's Apprentice preview - the final

Posted by Stewart Turner

Unless it’s cancelled to allow Sir Alan Sugar some time to settle into his new role as Home Computing Tsar or whatever it is Gordon Brown has planned for him, this Sunday sees the fifth series of The Apprentice finally reach its giddy climax, as the grizzled business mogul finally decides who gets to hose his car down and polish his brogues next year.

After ditching pudding-faced joker James, Evil Debra and Mystic Meg in the last episode, it’s down to robotic Heather Mills-alike Kate Walsh and restaurateur Yasmina Siadatan to impress the bugle-tooting businessman in this weekend’s final task.

The smart money’s on Kate, who’s barely put a foot wrong in the past couple of months – professionally, at least. One might question the IQ of someone who falls for a fella who holds up “Pants Man” as his finest business achievement. However, last week’s interviews saw her somewhat unfairly depicted as some kind of business android from the future. Hey, maybe she’s ripe for mass production, Sir Alan…

The Apprentice: series five, week 11

Posted by Will Parkhouse

The Apprentice interview round: it's like the worst day of your life, without the good bits. Sir Alan Sugar introduced the five remaining candidates to this week's task by standing on an elevated balcony, glaring down on them pityingly. The message was clear: I am up here, you are down there and even my nasal hair is shot through with hardcore business nous.

Since this was an episode that consisted entirely of talking, we got amazing quotes by the boardroomload. James kicked off, setting the bar high with a piece of imagery that would've had Garbage Pail Kids cartoonists applauding with glee: "The last place I wanna be is in the boardroom with Alan Sugar kicking me so hard up the arse, I've got his toes for teeth."

And so off they went to face Sir Alan's four bloodthirsty henchman. Although what followed was cruelly edited to show the most painful moments of each interview, since the gang made the usual mistake of filling their application forms with swathes of absolute guff, this was perhaps justified.

This week's Apprentice preview

Posted by Tom Murphy

The Apprentice is rushing headlong towards its dramatic conclusion, and the ‘semi-final’ is usually one of the highlights of the series, as the final five wannabes are subjected to a gruesome grilling by some of Srralan’s bolshy business chums. 

In the firing line tonight is Lorraine “two accents” Tighe, who comes a bit of a cropper when Birmingham City FC managing director Karren Brady susses out that she’s fibbed about her employment dates.

When the tough footie executive find that Lorraine has claimed to work for an employer for a year longer than she really has, she turns on the bespectacled candidate. “If intuition is your gift,” she snarls, “why didn’t you use it to put down your correct dates of employment?”

Still, it might not be the end for Lorraine. Last year’s winner, pterodactyl-impersonator supreme Lee McQueen, got a dressing down for saying he’d spent two years at university when he actually only lasted four months.  

And Lorraine isn’t the only one to take a hit. Businessman Claude Litner gives Yasmina a hard time for not knowing her own company’s turnover, while Evil Debra is somehow judged “rude and aggressive” and sole remaining chap James is slated for his “gibberish”.

Perhaps not surprisingly, the only candidate who doesn't seem to have been savaged is hot favourite Kate Walsh, who seems to have just said nice things about her mum.

So, which of them will make it through to Sunday's head-to-head final? Tune in to BBC1 tonight at 9pm to find out.

SEE ALSO:
Last week's Apprentice: Howard gets the finger >>
Howard: 'It's supposed to be about business, not wannabe celebrities' >>
Sir Alan reckons The Apprentice is easy >>

The Apprentice: series five, week ten

Posted by Stewart Turner

The Apprentice shopping channel task is always a treat, if only because it gives one or two of the candidates a taste of the kind of TV gig they can expect in the future. Oh, and Sir Alan’s a winner too: he gives QVC a bit of airtime on the Beeb, they take a few hundred Amstrad em@il machines off his hands so he can clear a bit of space in the garage. Everybody’s happy.

After Lorraine impressively scrambled down the stairs despite leaving her bottle-top specs on the bedside table, the mardy business mogul summoned the gang to Alexandra Palace in North London, the location of the first ever branch of Radio Rentals, I think was what he said. Howard gamely volunteered to head up Ignite, while Debra and Yasmina drew straws, arm-wrestled and had a couple of rounds of "scissors, paper, AK47" to decide who'd project manage Empire. Yasmina won out, even gaining a rather generous offer from Debra to polish her size 9s with her poisonous tongue in the process.

Since this Sir Alan's favourite task, he decided to put his feet up on the boardroom table and spend the afternoon barking aggressively at the telly. “Who the bladdy hell’s gonna wear that!” he roared, a little like a post-makeover Jim Royle, as Debra slipped on a tie-dyed, 100% man-made fibre “polo poncho”. Seconds later, he was punching out a freephone number with his stubby fingers to place an order for a ladies’ leather jacket with a gold leaf pattern even Pat Butcher would discount for being "a bit showy". Mrs Sugar will be pleased.

The Apprentice: series five, week nine

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Nice shoes, Sir Alan! Yes, the ninth week of The Apprentice saw the candidates meeting in the maternity wing of University College Hospital, which meant they all had to don some startling blue foot covers, and even everyone's favourite Brillo-haired business impresario wasn't spared the indignity.

As project managers for the Earls Court baby show task, Sir Alan opted for the two candidates who'd already become parents – although thankfully not together. So wide-eyed Hugh Dennis impersonator James was tasked with running Empire and increasingly annoying one-woman glasses show Lorraine was put in charge of firing up Ignite.

Bizarrely, there actually seemed to be some competence on show, with James apparently exhibiting some understanding of the birth process (although this was belied later when he told one woman: "The lid's open, so the baby can jump out.") and Lorraine choosing two apparently sellable products.

This week's Apprentice preview

Posted by Stewart Turner

Judging by James McQuillan’s forlorn expression when he discovered he’d missed out on the winning team’s treat of an afternoon behind the wheel of a fast car last week, this year’s Apprentice has more than its fair share of big babies in the boardroom. With this in mind, tonight Sir Alan packs the remaining eight contestants to the UK’s biggest baby show to flog some 4x4 prams to the capital’s yummy mummies.

James is also on hand to demonstrate a state-of-the-art inflatable birthing pool. In a scene which brings to mind the tabloids’ favourite man-mum Thomas Beatie doing a particularly ropey Scooby Doo impression, The Apprentice’s loveable lummox is more than happy to show that he’s in touch with his feminine, mid-childbirth side.

So, which team will end up throwing their toys out of the pram, and who’ll get to sit on Uncle Alan’s knee while he reads them an old Amstrad instruction manual at bedtime? Tune in at 9pm on BBC1 to find out.

SEE ALSO:

Business is booming for Apprentice café >>
Last week's show: Mona is fired >>
Mona chats: 'My heart wasn't in it' >>

The Apprentice: series five, week eight

Posted by Stewart Turner 

Cheap package deals to Spain, a chronic lack of investment and holidaymakers staying away in droves – the last thing the drizzly seaside town of Margate needed to hammer a final nail in the coffin of its faded seaside glory was the attention of the remaining eight Apprentices.

In case you haven’t heard, there’s a credit crunch on, and rather than treat this year’s budding business tycoons to a trip sourcing mosque-shaped alarm clocks in Marrakesh, Sir Alan packed them off to the Kent coast, presumably where he used to hang out with a handkerchief tied over his Brillo-like hair in the days before he could afford to snort foie gras from the walnut veneer dashboard of his helicopter.

After Evil Debra bulldozed the entirely reasonable attempts of Howard to head up Empire by teasing him with the hallowed position of “sub-team manager”, they hit upon the idea of rebranding the town as a gay resort, despite local girl Mona’s protestations that homosexuality “isn’t such a big thing in Kent”. To aid them in their quest, they roped in a couple of sacked Littlewoods catalogue models to drool at each other over a 99 flake and drape a rainbow flag over the wet sand.

This week’s Apprentice preview clips

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Fancy doing a bit of cringing? We have just the thing.

Tonight’s Apprentice sees the remaining eight contestants “rebranding” Margate. For Howard and Debra, this means creating an atmosphere of sublime awkwardness by getting straight male models to play same sex-couples. If poor old Nick Hewer sinks any further into his chair, he’ll disappear from sight…

And here’s this week’s teaser clip, which sees Lorraine continuing to prove she doesn’t play well with others, as well as a nice piece of preposterous posturing from Ben.

SEE ALSO:
Last week's Apprentice: Philip gets fired >>
Phil: 'I'm in love with Kate' >>
Phil on how he blew it >>

The Apprentice: series five, week seven

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Despite giving us a second tantalising glimpse of what Lorraine looks like without her awful glasses, this week's Apprentice will surely be remembered for exhibiting more snarkiness than 10 tetchy teenagers trapped in a two-man tent – oh, and for the perfectly justified but still somehow shocking firing of one-time guaranteed winner Philip.

The gang were initially expecting to jet off to sunny climes for a holiday task, which I was certainly ready for, having already put my sunglasses on in case Kate smiled. Sadly, the words "London Gateway" did not herald a trip abroad, despite Ben's assumption that the word 'gateway' "suggests that it's a gate to somewhere".

The gang were instead taken to a service station car park in the pouring rain, where Sir Alan told them: "You're going north." Yikes. But first, the teams had to choose two products each from 12 up-and-coming stubbly inventors, and then try to sell them to businesses in Manchester and Liverpool.