So Simon Cowell’s talent-hunting wagon has made its way to Manchester, and the usual snaking crowd of hopefuls greets its arrival.
First through the doors and to brave the panel is barman Alan Bussby, who’s left his mum backstage to knock out some, ahem, unique dancing moves to a short-lived and high-pitched rendition of ‘When The Going Gets Tough’, sadly lacking many of the lyrics as the poor chap seems to have forgotten them. Unsurprisingly, he’s met with a resounding four disses from the judges.
Next up, a soulful fellow named Gurdhip shows off his sensual moves to Pussycat Dolls’ ‘Don’t Cha’, before we witness more painful move-busting from unfortunates including MC Hammer wannabe Ian Russell.
Over in Cardiff, a trio called 2 Gorgeous 4 Words (above) rattle through a shaky performance of ‘Let’s Hear It For The Boys’ that Simon deems “too bad for words”. Still, their humungous entourage doesn’t seem to mind much.
Full-time mum Ashanti Webbe brings the evening’s first glimpse of proper talent, as her version of Mary J Blige's ‘I’m Going Down’ wins yeses across the board and enthusiastic support from Louis Walsh.
It’s another four thumbs up for rugby-lover Daniel Williams, who wows the panel with a strong version of The Beatles’ ‘Let It Be’. Something tells us he’ll be crooning a long way into this contest.
Small-town girl Lucy has travelled across the country for her stab at stardom, and a spine-tingling rendition of Whitney Houston’s notoriously tricky ‘I Will Always Love You’ makes it worth the journey, winning a standing ovation from the crowd and smiles, plus a ticket to the next round, from the panel, with Cheryl Cole marking her as “one to watch”. We agree…
Meanwhile, beardy Ian Elsey winds Simon up with his own creations ‘Beef And Onion Crisps’, ‘Lonely Llama’ and ‘Shepherd’s Pie Til I Die’ before screechy Dawn Thomas’s take on Gnarls Barkley’s ‘Crazy’ has the high-trousered mogul worried that “every dog in Cardiff has turned up at the theatre”.
Next nervous schoolboy Lloyd Daniels fluffs his first go at Jason Mraz’s ‘I’m Yours’, prompting Cheryl to defend him before he nails R Kelly’s ‘If I Could Turn Back The Hands Of Time’ and wins a clean sweep of approval from the judges.
Twosome Combined Effort – comprising, painfully, a previously engaged couple who parted ways the previous week – show the strength of their friendship, if not their talent, with a wobbly take on Starship’s ‘Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now’, earning some relationship advice from the panel before getting back together onstage, much to the judges’ big-hearted approval.
Up next, mega-voiced diva Jade Fubara has Dannii Minogue misty-eyed with a dazzling performance of Dreamgirls number ‘And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going’, securing another four yeses and glimpses of a bright career ahead.
Finally, French export Fouad explains that he’s left his motherland for the chance to compete in the contest – unfortunately his incomprehensible mutterings see him sent packing by an unimpressed panel, although the audience laps it up, swaying along to a truly painful rendition of Mariah Carey’s ‘Hero’. He bites back at the judge's disapproval with a cutting “Sometimes you’re wrong!”. Hmmm, not always though.
To hear all the tracks from the show as they should have been sung, head over to the Orange Music Store now.
