How to Look Good Naked, Tuesday 8pm, Channel 4

Posted by Jane Murphy

Gok’s back! Last night’s opening episode of How to Look Good Naked saw the self-proclaimed superstar stylist work his confidence-boosting magic on Margaret, 62, and her 39-year-old daughter Maria. At the start of the show, both women confessed they hadn’t been naked in front of another person (not even their husbands) for years. And by the end, they were baring all in a crowded shopping centre. Job done!

There’s no denying Gok’s ability to generate the feel-good factor and rid women of their body hang-ups in quite spectacular fashion - but I can’t help feeling a bit confused by this show and the philosophy behind it.

After all, we’re bombarded with food and lifestyle programmes that scold us for eating unhealthily and not doing enough exercise. And yet part of the message behind How to Look Good Naked seems to be that it doesn’t matter if your stomach’s hanging down over the top of your trousers: you just need to invest in some good underwear.

Still, don’t get me wrong: I applaud any attempt to encourage women to feel better about themselves, and anything that highlights the dangers of unrealistic, super-skinny role models is clearly a step in the right direction. If someone’s feeling ashamed of her body because she feels she doesn’t quite match up to Elle Macpherson, this needs to be dealt with - and fast.

But Gok’s grab-your-t*ts-wiggle-your-bum-and-buy-some-new-knickers tactics can seem a tad patronising and over-simplistic at times - at least to an old cynic like me. What do you think?

Picture: Channel 4

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FlashForward, Monday 9pm, Five

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Even though Five was perhaps over-egging the TV pudding a bit by billing FlashForward as "the shiniest, most glamorous and downright phenomenal thing to come out of America since Obama”, there was a bit of a buzz surrounding the show some are also calling “the new Lost”.

And that wasn’t just because FlashForward’s female lead was played by Sonya Walger, aka Lost’s Penny Widmore, or that another of the show’s stars, Dominic Monaghan (whose character Charlie is still missed), is set to make an appearance. No, it’s all about that mysterious disaster-filled opening premise: for two minutes and 17 seconds everyone in the whole world passes out, experiencing a flashforward (ah-ha!) and seeing exactly where they are and what they’ll be doing in six months’ time (shades of the first season of Heroes there, too).

Upgrade Me, Monday 9pm, BBC Four

Posted by Stewart Turner

There was a time when you were never more than a few feet away from a goateed technophile punching inanities into his Palm Pilot or proudly buffing-up his clunky first-generation iPod. Fast forward a few years and these clunky pieces of kit are being piled up in landfill sites or gathering dust in a bottom drawer, occasionally seeing the light of day for a bit of nostalgic mirth.

With this in mind, poet Simon Armitage set out to explore our relationship with life’s seemingly endless succession of gadgets and gizmos, and look at what drives us to constantly upgrade our laptops, digital cameras and mobile phones on an almost weekly basis. Is it all just good clean consumerist fun, or is there something more sinister at work?

Strictly X rated?

Posted by Stewart Turner

Strictly Come Dancing viewers are getting all hot under the collar again, but this time its not new judge Alesha Dixon’s lack of knowledge or Bruce Forsyth’s increasingly appalling jokes in the firing line.

Sex has reared its ugly head in the primetime schedules, with a number of viewers getting their knickers in a twist about the revealing nature of some of the dancers’ outfits, most notably Lillia Kopylova's sequinned straps number and Footballers Wives star Zoe Lucker’s “barely there” fringed leotard.

“I wish Ola and the other girls would remember that young children often watch the show,” trilled one irate Strictly viewer. “They should wear clothes that are elegant rather than suitable for an adult-only show.”

The X Factor: Bootcamp, Saturday and Sunday, ITV1

Posted by Jane Murphy

So after this weekend's double dose of The X Factor - complete with tears, tantrums, fluffed lines, pithy put-downs and 101 unnecessary aerial shots of London - the judges have made up their minds and this year’s hopefuls have been whittled down to just 24 acts.

Saturday’s show belonged to two groups - but for very different reasons. Terrifying twins John & Edward - “vile little creatures who’d step on their mother’s head”, according to Simon Cowell - sang over the top of fellow auditionee Sian while showcasing the most frightening set of dance moves since David Brent did his Red Nose Day routine in The Office. “Kids are going to like you guys,” Louis Walsh insisted. Three words, Louis: no, they’re not.

Meanwhile, despite having teamed up for a memorable rendition of Frank Sinatra’s ‘That’s Life’, likeable solo singers Graziella, Shar and Shanice were told they hadn’t made the grade. But just as the three girls were heading for the bus stop with their heads hung low, those cheeky judges called them back and suggested they form a group instead. So they did. They’re now called Miss Frank - and they’re about 10,000 times more appealing than John & Edward.

On to Sunday’s tension-packed show - and there were a few mild surprises when Simon & co got down to the nitty-gritty of choosing the final 24. Curtis (The One Who Used To Be A “Knife Yob“), Daryl (The One With The Dead Brother), Scott (The One With Asperger’s Syndrome), Dom (The One Who Made It To Dannii’s House Two Years Ago) and Behrouz (The One With The Scary Eyes) were all sent home, amid much weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Still, most of the high-profile acts have made it through to the next round. For what it’s worth, my favourites are Stacey Solomon (The Single Mum From Essex), Nicole Lawrence (The Club Singer Whose Dad Died) and Miss Frank (Those Three Girls I Mentioned Before). But the over-25s are probably the strongest contenders - and you’ll never guess who’s mentoring them. It’s Simon! What a surprise!

So it’s off to the judges’ houses for another double dose of high notes and histrionics next week. Here’s who’s going where: 

The Girls
Mentor: Dannii Minogue
Stacey McLean; Despina Pilavakis; Nicole Jackson; Stacey Solomon; Rachel Adedeji; Lucie Jones 

The Boys
Mentor: Cheryl Cole
Lloyd Daniels; Ethan Boroian; Rikki Loney; Daniel Fox; Joseph McElderry; Duane Lamonte

Over 25s
Mentor: Simon Cowell
Jamie Archer; Daniel Pearce; Olly Murs; Nicole Lawrence; Treyc Cohen; Danyl Johnson

Groups
Mentor: Louis Walsh
Miss Frank; Kandy Rain; Trucolorz*; Project A; De-Tour; John & Edward

*News just in! Apparently, Trucolorz have been thrown out because one of them lied about her age, so Harmony Hood get to go to Louis's house instead. Lucky old Harmony Hood, eh?

What did you think of this weekend’s The X Factor? Think you can pick a winner yet? Tell us here.

Picture: ITV

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Strictly Come Dancing, Saturday 7.25pm, BBC One

Posted by Liberty Jones

          

Jockey Richard Dunwoody fell at the first hurdle in last night’s Strictly, crashing out after facing Corrie star Craig Kelly in the dance-off. The Grand National winner’s entertaining cha cha cha brought a smile to the judges’ faces, but it wasn’t enough to save him. “You are adorable,” judge Alesha told him, “but you don’t have natural rhythm”.

 

At the other end of the scale, soap hunk Ricky Whittle’s bubble showed no sign of bursting as he pulled off a jaw-dropping rumba that left Bruno gasping for breath. “So macho!” the judge declared. “You were totally in command.” Craig was equally impressed, saying: “That was absolutely amazing. I’ve never seen a first Latin dance by a celebrity done like that.”

 

Also delivering a strong performance for the second night on the (fox)trot was actress Zoe Lucker, who came a close second to Ricky with 31 points. Her sensual rumba wowed Alesha, who told her: “It was really sexy, but not over the top. You had fantastic chemistry and you acted it right from the beginning to the end.” Len, meanwhile, revealed his prudish side, saying: “For me, the whole thing was more suited to a bedroom than a ballroom. It was over-raunchy.”

 

Zoe’s Footballers’ Wives co-star Laila Rouass fared less well, only managing a disappointing 25 points - although we must admit we weren’t really concentrating on the dancing... we were too transfixed by Anton Du Beke’s defiantly unwaxed chest. Nor was cricketer Phil Tufnell on top of his game. After a good first innings on Friday night, his cha cha cha failed to bowl the judges over. “It’s a bit like the England cricket team after winning the Ashes,” Len said. “From magic to tragic.” 

 

Natalie Cassidy was clearly battling the nerves as she performed a tentative cha cha cha with partner Vincent Simone. “I liked it, but I didn’t love it,” Craig said. Bruno agreed, telling the former EastEnder: “You weren’t firing on all cylinders.”

 

Things got heated when Jo Wood and Brendan Cole took to the floor – not because of their raunchy rumba, but because of Craig’s rather unkind comments. “The best part of that was when you were standing still,” the judge sniped. A furious Brendan sprung to his partner’s defence, telling the Aussie choreographer: “That’s just rude, arrogant and unnecessary.” Well said, Brendan!

 

Next week, the elegant quickstep and the fiery paso doble. Hurray! Oh, and Andy Williams too!

Picture: BBC

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Strictly Come Dancing, Friday 8.30pm, BBC One

Posted by Liberty Jones

       

It may have been the first outing for much-talked-about EastEnder Natalie Cassidy (she of the bra-less bazookas and see-through leotard), but all eyes were on Alesha Dixon last night. We were one of the frothy-mouthed Strictly fans who besieged the BBC switchboard in the wake of Alesha's debut, demanding the reinstatement of Arlene Phillips.

However, we have to admit Alesha has really upped her game. Instead of last week's inane and useless comments, she offered the contestants some genuine advice and insight, including instruction on posture, technique and how to handle the pressure. Hmmm... maybe we'll give her another chance.

Natalie, who was partnered with Italian sex thimble Vincent Simone, was first to take to the floor, pulling off a dramatic and emotion-packed tango. "Your body contact was OK, but don't be afraid to push up against him," Alesha told her. Fellow judge Len, meanwhile, was mightily impressed, saying: "It was neat, it was precise, it was a jolly good job."

Footballers' Wives rivals Zoe Lucker and Laila Rouass both delivered confident performances, scoring an impressive 30 points apiece. Laila's partner, the long-suffering Anton Du Beke, must be thrilled to have finally bagged a celeb with a realistic chance of going all the way to the final.

Meanwhile, Rolling Stone's soon-to-be-ex-wife Jo Wood seemed to have succeeded in taming bad boy Brendan Cole. Despite a dismal tango, slammed by Craig as "careless" and "slovenly", the grandmother had clearly succeeded in winning over Brendan, saying: "He's a piece of cake. I've been hanging out with bad boys all my life."

Corrie star Craig Kelly managed a respectable 22 points for his tango, while champion jockey Richard Dunwoody – paired with the equally diminutive Lilia Kopylova – could only scrape 19 for his waltz.

The big surprise of the night was cricketer Phil Tufnell, who had a very impressive first innings with newcomer Katya Virshilas. Len declared himself "bowled over" by the couple's waltz, while Alesha agreed it was a "charming" performance.

The final dance of the night came from hotly-tipped Hollyoaks beefcake Ricky Whittle, who was partnered with glamour puss Natalie Lowe. As well as an impressive set of pecs, Ricky showed off a divine waltz that earned him 33 points, the top score of the night. "You're the one to beat," Len told him. "I just hope your Latin's up to the same standard. If it is, you've got to be the most formidable couple we've ever had." High praise, indeed … roll on tomorrow night.

Picture: BBC

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Cha’Mone! Mo’Fo’Selecta!, Thursday 10pm, E4

Posted by Jane Murphy

Was the world really ready for a tongue-in-cheek Michael Jackson tribute from Bo’Selecta! star Leigh Francis? Even Leigh himself wasn’t too sure. “I think a lot of people will think I’ve done something sick and twisted,” he told the press ahead of last night’s Cha’Mone! Mo’Fo’Selecta! A Tribute to Michael Jackson.

The spoof documentary - complete with a plethora of Leigh’s trademark rubber-mask talking heads - opened with Aussie croc-botherer Steve Irwin greeting the recently deceased King of Pop in heaven with the exciting news that paradise is full of pick’n’mix, Tupperware and kids’ toys.

Then Mel B and real-life guest star Emma Bunton popped up to discuss Jackson‘s legacy while hanging out their washing - and Craig David took time out from working in a call centre to reveal the singer’s impact on his own music.

So far, so surreal - but we hadn’t seen anything yet. As the programme began its chronological journey through Jackson’s life, Leigh extended his rubber-mask repertoire to include key characters such as Diana Ross, Elizabeth Taylor and a spot-on Uri Geller (“Michael was one of my best friends - even though I only met him six times”).

But then the real David Gest showed up to deliver a smattering of solemn soundbites about subjects such as Michael’s “addiction to Lucozade tablets” - and to back up the claim that the reason the singer always wore one glove is because he‘d had one of his arms replaced with Heather Mills’s leg. I’m guessing David felt safe in the knowledge that viewers wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between his own face and a rubber mask - but still… Some “friend”, eh?

Ultimately, the programme worked well as a spoof of all those hastily thrown-together, insight-light documentaries that popped up in the days following Jackson’s death - and, in the main, it was far too silly to be deemed offensive. Still, it’s hard to think of any other famous person who’d be subjected to this kind of small-screen send-up so soon after their death.

What did you think of last night’s Cha’Mone! Mo’Fo’Selecta!? Tell us here.

Picture: E4

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Vice Squad, Thursday 9pm, Five

Posted by Will Parkhouse

In case you were worried Five was going all upmarket, what with all its shiny US cop shows and its occasional half-decent films, Vice Squad should've put your mind at ease.

With an opening sequence that combined slow camera pans over walls of pornography, a "lovely sexy girls" flashing neon sign and a group of coppers bundling a struggling teenager into a police van, this was clearly from the Ibiza Uncovered school of voyeuristic TV (what, no Lisa I'Anson voiceover?).

OK, being a fly-on-the-waller following the Metropolitan Police's Clubs and Vice Unit around Soho, it was always going to be pretty salacious stuff – but even if most of the show had so many blurred out faces you wondered whether you were slowly going blind, there were one or two gripping moments.

To Catch A Paedophile, Tuesday 10.35pm, ITV1

Posted by Liberty Jones

  

It will be a long time before we forget this documentary. Presented by former policeman Mark Williams-Thomas, it followed the work of Scotland Yard's paedophile unit.

Internet investigations generate almost three-quarters of the work carried out by the unit and as the film began, Covert Internet Investigator John Taylor was posing as a 13- year-old girl called Jessie in a bid to flush out predatory paedophiles. It wasn't long before he hooked a fish – and a rather big one at that.

Soon, undercover officers were heading to a busy south London park, where Jessie's online pal – a man in his fifties called Andrew Lintern with no criminal record – had arranged to meet her for sex. Lintern's icy cool demeanour as the police arrested him was chilling. Clearly an intelligent man, he claimed his grooming of "Jessie" was nothing more than a "rollercoaster fantasy".

Meanwhile, undercover officers were making their way to his Hertfordshire home, where they discovered almost 20,000 indecent images of children on his computer, as well as footage of him abusing a 17-month old baby.

It quickly emerged that Lintern was the epitome of middle-class respectability – a married Oxford graduate, who worked as a scientist and IT executive.

As the head of the paedophile unit, Detective Chief Inspector Nick Stevens, grimly observed: "We've arrested lawyers, magistrates, company directors, police officers. It can be literally anybody who is committing sexual offences against children." Lintern eventually pleaded guilty to indecent assault and 30 further charges, and was jailed indefinitely.

The unit's arrest rate is impressive, but at the end of the film one was left wondering how many hundreds of sex offenders slip through the net. Alarmingly, experts believe 20% of children have met a stranger online. Even DCI Stevens was forced to admit: "If I had three times the staff tackling abuse on the internet, I would still be struggling to cope with demand."

Picture: ITV

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