Madonna and Mercy: What Really Happened, 8pm, Channel 4

Posted by Jane Murphy

 

If ever two people were less destined to meet, it’s Madonna and Mercy James. At least, that’s according to presenter Jacques Peretti who travelled to Malawi in an attempt to uncover the truth behind the recent adoption saga.

So on the one hand, we have the 50-year-old Queen of Pop - a “single mum from New York”, who co-founded the Raising Malawi charity with Kabbalah leader Philippe van den Bossche. And on the other, we have a four-year-old “orphan” who’s been offered a “better” life overseas. Except, of course, Mercy isn’t really an orphan because her father is still alive - but who cares about technicalities like that when the most famous woman in the world bowls up with wads of cash and a maternal glint in her eye?

Last night’s documentary made for uncomfortable - and often confusing - viewing. And, as is so often the case with this kind of programme, it posed more questions than it answered. Is Madonna saving Mercy from poverty or depriving her of her culture and country? Was her adoption an act of charity or immoral and wrong? And what’s Kabbalah got to do with it all?

Peretti seemed keen to press home his theory that the whole thing smacks of white colonialism: just as 19th-century Christian missionaries headed into Africa armed with Bibles, Madonna and the gang are setting up children’s centres in Malawi that promote their “loony religion”.

But when the cameras were allowed inside Mercy’s former home - the Kundanani Orphanage - Peretti found it nigh-on impossible to find fault with the set-up. Madonna has pumped $12m (£7.2m) of her own money into Malawi - and if that means hundreds of otherwise poverty-stricken children are getting a high standard of care and education, what’s the problem?

Of course, Mercy is now safely ensconced in Madonna’s world - so only time will tell how life pans out for her and whether she thinks her new mum was right to adopt her. Is a life being hounded by the paparazzi better than one spent in a remote village in Africa? I’m not sure I could answer that - could you?

Pictures: Rex Features

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Ugly Betty, Wednesday 10pm, Channel 4

Posted by Jane Murphy

Betty’s back! Just when bright, breezy, throwaway US dramas seemed a little thin on the ground, Channel 4 has come up trumps by filling the vacant slot left by Desperate Housewives with series three of Ugly Betty.

And as last night’s opening episode quickly conveyed, a lot’s been happening while Betty’s been off our screens. Having dumped both of her love interests and been on a US road trip, our not-so-ugly heroine has arrived back in Manhattan brimming with enthusiasm and ideas about how to clamber up the career ladder at Mode magazine.

However, Mode’s now being run by the evil Wilhelmina - and former editor Daniel is heading up lads’ mag Player, which is staffed almost exclusively by bikini babes and halfwits. Hmmm… surely no good will come of this? Meanwhile, Betty’s big sister Hilda is bonking a married man (except nobody else knows he’s married - yet). And dad Ignacio is working in a burger bar with Lindsay Lohan. Now, that is a little worrying…

So will this series match up to the stellar standards set by the previous two? Well, the signs from across the Atlantic aren’t overly encouraging: viewing figures soon began to flounder when it was shown in the US earlier this year. Li-Lo’s performance in particular came in for some hefty criticism, and several other cast members have left. But, hey, the Americans are a notoriously fickle lot: just look at how Pushing Daisies went from hit to has-been in less than a year.

I suppose the trick is to keep things moving on and not keep going over the same ground, plot-wise. It’s no secret that Ms Lohan won’t be sticking around for long in this series - so we don’t need to get too involved with her character. And frankly, who needs catty comments from Lindsay when Amanda-the-receptionist delivers them so much better?

There’s obviously a romance brewing between Betty and her new neighbour - but I’m still keeping my fingers crossed that she’ll eventually hook up with Daniel. Still, I suppose she may need to lose the braces before he looks at her in that way - but surely it can’t be that long until her teeth are fixed, can it?

 Picture: Channel 4

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Jack the Ripper: Tabloid Killer - Revealed, Wednesday 8pm, Five

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Our rating:

Kicking off with a shot of former Sun editor Kelvin MacKenzie saying: "A 120-year mystery has just been solved" and promising "startling new documentary evidence", this programme about the Jack the Ripper murders began with a kind of tabloid brashness wholly appropriate to its salacious subject matter.

With history buffs in coats and hats still getting their kicks taking late night Ripper tours round East London and theories about the killer's identity making the headlines to this day, "the legend of the Ripper," said Kelvin, "has an eternal fascination". Well, it doesn't, what with eternity being a bit more than 120 years, but he said it with such conviction – his questions don't seem to have question marks attached – you couldn't help but nod your head.

Mary Portas: Save Our Shops, Tuesday, BBC2

Posted by Liberty Jones

In this worrying Money Programme report, retail therapist Marty Portas – fresh from saving the charity shop – attempted to revitalise the fortunes of not just a single business, but the entire town centre of Tewkesbury in Gloucestershire. Potentially a great shopping environment, Tewkesbury is dying a death – hardly surprising when only 11% of its residents choose to shop there.

Despite her scary front-row-of-the-fashion-shows demeanour, we’ve long been a fan of Portas and we had high hopes as she brought her fierce urban glamour to Tewkesbury. With one in five shops in the town already closed for business, she faced a tough task.

First item on the agenda was a crisis meeting for local shopkeepers, who painted a grim picture. Music shop owner John used to do a roaring trade, but now business is down by 50%. "I've gone through the despondency and the despair. Now I'm just bloody angry," he said through gritted teeth.

It was a similar story at Dawn To Dusk, a cluttered boutique, where frou-frou ballgowns jostled for position along men's pinstripe suits. "Sometimes I go a whole day without speaking to anyone except the postman," said owner Amanda, who'd been forced to remortgage her house and snaffle her parents' life savings just to keep the business afloat.

We're used to seeing Mary turn struggling businesses around in the space of an hour, with her unique brand of ass-kicking and wand-waving – but sadly this time there were no quick fix solutions. The retailers of Tewkesbury threw themselves into the challenge, but John's offer of ukele lessons for local kids in a bid to expand his customer base, and Amanda's attempt to offer "a bit of theatre" in the shape of free cupcakes barely scraped the surface of the problem.

"It's not rocket science," said Mary, waving her gloriously accessorised hands. "Retailers that deliver service, a fun shopping experience and good value for money still get customers during a recession. That's what they need to learn in Tewkesbury." Hmmm… easier said than done.

 Picture: BBC

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The World's Best Diet, Tuesday, ITV1

Posted by Liberty Jones

                                    

With nearly one in four Brits now clinically obese, it's blinkin' obvious the nation's fondness for junk food is having a dangerous effect on our waistlines. By contrast, people in some other countries stay slimmer and live longer, healthier lifestyles. So what's their secret? In this two-part series, presenter Jonathan Maitland rounded up four "fat friends" (his words, not ours) in an attempt to find out.

Gathered at a last supper of their favourite foods, each of the four celebs – Darren Gough, Cheryl Baker, Linda Robson and Carole Malone – were handed an envelope revealing a mystery destination, where they would immerse themselves in the local cultural attitude towards healthy living and learn to cook their food. First to take the plunge were Darren and Cheryl.

Former cricketer Darren didn't even look overweight, but amazingly, his vital statistics put him in the obese category. "I like drink… I like my food… it's the snacking for me," he admitted. "And when I have a lump of cheese, it's a proper lump, not just a thin slice." Sadly, his pilgrimage to Abruzzo in Italy made for less than riveting viewing. The sight of the Strictly Come Dancing champ gurning over a cup of espresso (only 6 calories compared to the whopping 223 calories in the creamy latte favoured by us Brits!) and making a dog's dinner of his homemade pasta had us reaching for the remote control.

Cheryl's journey to Kerala, in southern India, was marginally more entertaining – but only just. "I've always been the big girl in Bucks Fizz," she admitted. "There was this advert years ago: 'Can you pinch an inch?' Well, I can pinch loads."

Back in the UK, Cheryl's default setting, curry-wise, is chicken tikka masala, but food in Kerala is served very differently. Nutritionist Dr Smitha introduced her to a traditional vegetable soup, made from lentils and garlic. As Cheryl tucked in, Dr Smitha revealed that, as well as tasting delicious, the soup has the added bonus of relieving flatulence. "You've obviously heard of my condition," said the blushing singer. Erm, thanks for oversharing, Chezza.  

Next time, Birds of a Feather actress Linda regurgitates food in Tokyo, and newspaper columnist Carole feels the burn in LA. You know what? We're pretty sure we're washing our hair that night.

Picture: ITV

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Real Crime: Rachel Nickell, Monday 9pm, ITV1

Posted by Tom Murphy

As recalled by last night's troubling documentary, the murder in 1992 of Rachel Nickell shocked the nation. The details of the case were as memorable as they were horrifying: Rachel was stabbed in broad daylight on Wimbledon Common, in front of her two-year-old son Alex – the only witness to what happened. Clips of home movies looped endlessly on the news showed a beautiful and happy young woman, whose life had been ended in the most brutal way imaginable.

Indeed, it's an indication of how the investigation was played out in the media that while everyone knows the names of Rachel Nickell and Colin Stagg, the local oddball who became the target of detectives' obsessive suspicions, very few people watching this probably knew the name of Robert Napper – the man who later pleaded guilty to killing Rachel and is currently being detained indefinitely in Broadmoor.

Sadly, it's likely that even fewer people were familiar with the names of Samantha Bissett and her four-year-old daughter Jazmine, who were savagely murdered by Napper while police were still prosecuting Stagg. However, the programme shockingly revealed that while Napper had earlier been suspected of a similar series of attacks on young mothers, the police had let him fall through the cracks of their investigation after he'd refused to give a DNA sample – a sample that would have incriminated him comprehensively.

Even after the courts threw out the non-existent case against Stagg in 1994, investigating officers refused to look beyond their original suspect and rejected a link with the other assaults on young mothers.  It wasn't until 2004 that forensic advances enabled officers to analyse fully DNA samples found at the scene of the Wimbledon Common murder. The samples led straight to Napper, who subsequently pleaded guilty to manslaughter on the grounds of diminished responsibility.

The final words in the programme went to Rachel's partner Andre Hanscombe, speaking publicly for the first time since Napper was sentenced. Seventeen years after an event of almost unimaginable horror, he spoke of his pride in the way he's helped his son to rebuild his life in France and escape the shadow that threatened to blight their lives permanently.

However, with none of the original officers choosing to participate in the documentary, the question of how the investigation was so badly handled – and how Napper remained at liberty to carry out his appalling crimes – isn't given a satisfactory answer. The programme's subtitle – 'Case Closed' – doesn't tell the whole story.

Picture: PA

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James May on the Moon, Sunday 9pm, BBC2

Posted by Jane Murphy

Doesn’t time fly when you’re stuck on Planet Earth? It’s 40 years since Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon - and only 11 men have since followed in his much-celebrated footsteps. Still, Top Gear presenter James May got to meet three of them during the making of this documentary, which served as a timely reminder of just how amazing the moon landings really were.

Nowadays, Alan Bean spends his time painting pictures of astronauts, pointing out proudly that he’s the only artist who’s seen our planet from space. Harrison Schmitt says he tends to notice the moon more since he’s been there. “It catches my eye,” he told May, with brilliant understatement. And Charlie Duke revealed that he often watches the moon rise over the Texas plains near his home and comments to his wife, “I’ve been there!”

Rarely seen footage showed Bean skipping across the moon’s surface and throwing rocks high into the dark sky, like an overexcited schoolboy. Another clip depicted two astronauts racing towards a rock, unsure whether it was a small rock nearby or a big one faraway. It was funny, exciting and fascinating to watch - so what must it have been like to actually be there?

Of course, nobody goes to the moon nowadays. But James May did manage to get a tiny taste of how it felt for the Apollo astronauts by taking a passenger ride to the edge of space in the infamous “Vomit Comet” - a U2 spy plane that reaches heights of 70,000ft above the Earth’s surface.

Thankfully, May managed not to vomit as the plane soared above the clouds - and was suitably impressed by his awe-inspiring experience. “I feel slightly emotional,” he said afterwards. “If everybody could do that once, it would completely change the face of global politics.” It was stirring stuff - and just for a moment, I quite fancied going to the moon, too.

Picture: BBC

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Undercover Boss, Thursday 9pm, Channel 4

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Our rating:

One of the most impressive things about Channel 4's The Secret Millionaire, now on its fourth series, is that it's a documentary that you can't fail to watch right to the end. Those teary reveals in which deserving folk actually get a surprise reward for their good deeds would warm a heart made of liquid nitrogen.

New two-parter Undercover Boss tries to emulate the s uccess of its sister series, featuring, as it does, big company fat cats dressing down and going to work with the minions they employ without revealing that they secretly earn more money in a day than their new colleagues will make in 10 lifetimes.

The opener saw company director and head of marketing Andy Edge, an eager if uninteresting chap, go to swab the decks and fire the drecks at Park Resorts, a corporation which specialises in British budget caravan park holidays.

Spain: Paradise Lost, Wednesday 9pm, ITV1

Posted by Stewart Turner

When Wally Tynan retired to his spanking new Spanish villa a few years back, it’s fair to say a life spent sweeping up used tampons and stray faecal matter wasn’t exactly what he had in mind. But since upping sticks from the UK, he lives a life which is something of a cross between that of Sisyphus and Bob the Builder as he plasters, paints and does the plumbing on his Basra-esque apartment complex – because the builders went bust.

Of course, the desire to spend your twilight years in sunny Spain has long been the dream of many a British pensioner, wowed by the thoughts of endless days eating full English breakfasts washed down with pints of warm John Smith’s while the temperature barely dips below the 70s. Whether some of the horror stories on show last night will put paid to that remains to be seen.

The Spanish coast has seen a glut of development over the last decade, a building boom fuelled partially by us Brits. Before the property crash, when anyone “with a pulse and a passport” could get a mortgage, it looked like a sure-fire winner. But global capitalism’s a fickle thing, as people like David Busby and Wally have found out to their cost. David was promised a 50% increase in value on his Spanish pad to supplement his meagre pension, but now he couldn’t shift it for a straw donkey and a pound of chorizo.

May Contain Nuts, Thursday 9pm, ITV1

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Our rating:

So, you move into a new neighbourhood and the first person you met is a posho mother called Ffion who is prone to bragging about her child's superior abilities ("Miss Pearson singled out his particular aptitude for dinosaur-based play"), sneering at the local comprehensive ("They should bulldoze the whole place and drive them over the border into Lambeth. Worked for the Israelis") and cheating at the school sport sports day ("you just can't get running spikes for children under five").

What do you do? Run away as fast as possible? Laugh at her and carry on with your hitherto trouble-free life? Alice Chaplin, the protagonist of new two-part ITV1 comedy May Contain Nuts, did neither, apparently realising that she was the one who had to change.