The Apprentice: series five, week ten
Posted by Stewart Turner
The Apprentice shopping channel task is always a treat, if only because it gives one or two of the candidates a taste of the kind of TV gig they can expect in the future. Oh, and Sir Alan’s a winner too: he gives QVC a bit of airtime on the Beeb, they take a few hundred Amstrad em@il machines off his hands so he can clear a bit of space in the garage. Everybody’s happy.
After Lorraine impressively scrambled down the stairs despite leaving her bottle-top specs on the bedside table, the mardy business mogul summoned the gang to Alexandra Palace in North London, the location of the first ever branch of Radio Rentals, I think was what he said. Howard gamely volunteered to head up Ignite, while Debra and Yasmina drew straws, arm-wrestled and had a couple of rounds of "scissors, paper, AK47" to decide who'd project manage Empire. Yasmina won out, even gaining a rather generous offer from Debra to polish her size 9s with her poisonous tongue in the process.
Since this Sir Alan's favourite task, he decided to put his feet up on the boardroom table and spend the afternoon barking aggressively at the telly. “Who the bladdy hell’s gonna wear that!” he roared, a little like a post-makeover Jim Royle, as Debra slipped on a tie-dyed, 100% man-made fibre “polo poncho”. Seconds later, he was punching out a freephone number with his stubby fingers to place an order for a ladies’ leather jacket with a gold leaf pattern even Pat Butcher would discount for being "a bit showy". Mrs Sugar will be pleased.
Other notable products up for grabs included an electronic air guitar, presumably aimed at all those people who found the earlier model a little too challenging, a low-fat chip pan (“Great with fish! And chicken!”), and Hapless Howard's admirable attempt to corner that lucrative craft market – a polystyrene cat and dog you can stick coloured pins into.
In the end, Ignite finished second, blown out of the water by Evil Debra’s success at turning the polo poncho into the must-have item for all aspiring business bitches this summer, presumably by hypnotising viewers with her steely blue eyes. And despite shamelessly stealing a gag about “car crash TV” and sat navs Sir Alan would’ve been chomping at the bit to reel off in the boardroom, perennial loser Lorraine managed to make it through to next week's interviews round, apparently on account of her infamous “hunches”.
After the usual, squirming "why shouldn't I fire you?" routine, Howard, or “Steady Eddie” as he’ll be known for at least ten weeks when he returns to work on Monday, got the boot. “You’re not a brave warrior,” growled Nick Hewer, a little like a character in a dire Guy Ritchie film. “You’re not a big guy,” he continued, as Howard looked on, understandably bemused.
Sadly Sir Alan agreed, leaving pudding-faced joker James the only man left in the penthouse. “I feel a bit like Hugh Hefner,” he tittered gamely. Old, tired and utterly shagged, presumably.
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lol, funniest one in the series so far..
Posted by: HDTV | 29 May 2009 at 00:39
Sad - Lorraine should've gone really, Howard seemed like a decent guy
Posted by: Jason Nevins | 28 May 2009 at 16:01
who really cares-sad whoever watches this?
Posted by: lever2 | 28 May 2009 at 16:00