The Apprentice: series five, week ten

Posted by Stewart Turner

The Apprentice shopping channel task is always a treat, if only because it gives one or two of the candidates a taste of the kind of TV gig they can expect in the future. Oh, and Sir Alan’s a winner too: he gives QVC a bit of airtime on the Beeb, they take a few hundred Amstrad em@il machines off his hands so he can clear a bit of space in the garage. Everybody’s happy.

After Lorraine impressively scrambled down the stairs despite leaving her bottle-top specs on the bedside table, the mardy business mogul summoned the gang to Alexandra Palace in North London, the location of the first ever branch of Radio Rentals, I think was what he said. Howard gamely volunteered to head up Ignite, while Debra and Yasmina drew straws, arm-wrestled and had a couple of rounds of "scissors, paper, AK47" to decide who'd project manage Empire. Yasmina won out, even gaining a rather generous offer from Debra to polish her size 9s with her poisonous tongue in the process.

Since this Sir Alan's favourite task, he decided to put his feet up on the boardroom table and spend the afternoon barking aggressively at the telly. “Who the bladdy hell’s gonna wear that!” he roared, a little like a post-makeover Jim Royle, as Debra slipped on a tie-dyed, 100% man-made fibre “polo poncho”. Seconds later, he was punching out a freephone number with his stubby fingers to place an order for a ladies’ leather jacket with a gold leaf pattern even Pat Butcher would discount for being "a bit showy". Mrs Sugar will be pleased.

Jade: As Seen on TV, Tuesday 10pm, E4

Posted by Jane Murphy

It’s now two months since Jade Goody’s untimely death from cervical cancer, and a new series of Big Brother - the programme that made her famous - is just around the corner. So E4 obviously decided the time was right to round up a mishmash of talking heads and archive footage in an attempt to “understand the Jade Goody phenomenon”.

It wasn’t long before someone trotted out the old cliché: you either loved her or you hated her. But having run through the whole gamut of emotions - including pity, sadness, laughter and anger - while watching this whistle-stop reminder of her life on camera, I have to disagree. Sometimes I liked her - and sometimes I didn’t.

Still, the mere mention of Jade does seem to provoke extreme reactions in some people - as demonstrated in this instance by sneering journalist Rod Liddle and laugh-a-minute GMTV presenter John Stapleton. Liddle’s view? “Jade did what many people with limited intelligence would do, which is grab the fame that came along and assume it equated to some sort of success in life.”

Stapleton, meanwhile, took on the role of “slightly baffled member of the older generation” - presumably because Sir Michael Parkinson was unavailable. “She was of her age and it’s not an age I know anything about, nor wish to know anything about,” he claimed - which does beg the question of why he’s working for celebrity-obsessed GMTV.

To be fair, I can understand why people who don’t tune into Big Brother or subscribe to Heat or OK! may have found Jade’s celebrity status difficult to comprehend - particularly when press saturation turned the final weeks of her life into a reality show that everyone was forced to watch.

And indeed, there was something very unsavoury about watching OK!’s associate editor positively salivating with glee as he revealed in last night’s programme that coverage of Jade’s wedding, shortly before her death, sold more copies than any other celebrity nuptials.

But lest we forget, media coverage of Jade’s illness - and her willingness to speak out about it - has potentially saved thousands of lives. Take-up rates for cervical screening have gone up by 60% since news of her illness broke. It’s a lasting legacy, which will hopefully offer some comfort to Jade’s many friends and relatives who are still mourning her loss.

What’s your view on the Jade Goody phenomenon? Tell us here.

Picture: Channel 4

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The Apprentice: series five, week nine

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Nice shoes, Sir Alan! Yes, the ninth week of The Apprentice saw the candidates meeting in the maternity wing of University College Hospital, which meant they all had to don some startling blue foot covers, and even everyone's favourite Brillo-haired business impresario wasn't spared the indignity.

As project managers for the Earls Court baby show task, Sir Alan opted for the two candidates who'd already become parents – although thankfully not together. So wide-eyed Hugh Dennis impersonator James was tasked with running Empire and increasingly annoying one-woman glasses show Lorraine was put in charge of firing up Ignite.

Bizarrely, there actually seemed to be some competence on show, with James apparently exhibiting some understanding of the birth process (although this was belied later when he told one woman: "The lid's open, so the baby can jump out.") and Lorraine choosing two apparently sellable products.

Blood, Sweat and Takeaways, Tuesday 9pm, BBC3

Posted by Jane Murphy

Hot on the heels of last year’s Blood, Sweat and T-shirts, this new four-part series sees six young British consumers - or “annoying berks”, as some viewers may choose to refer to them - head off to South East Asia in a bid to find out exactly what’s involved in producing the convenience food we all take for granted.

Last night’s opening episode saw them living and working alongside the staff of a tuna cannery in Sulawesi, Indonesia. Here, 800 people work in 90-degree heat - gutting, loining and canning the tuna. They’re on their feet all day long, they’re not allowed to talk, and they can’t stop until every single fish has been cleared. Their average daily wage? The equivalent of £3.

It’s all pretty eye-opening stuff - and offers up serious food for thought (no pun intended). However, much of the programme was less about the plight of the workers, and more about the whining and personality clashes among the six Brits. This culminated in fitness fanatic Olu grabbing student Manos by the collar and smashing him against a factory window, which promptly shattered.

Olu’s quibble? Manos had been caught cheating in a fish-skinning test. I should also add that Olu is 25. Yes, 25! This kind of violent behaviour would be pretty shocking from a two-year-old - but from a grown man in that kind of environment, it was utterly unbelievable.

After a Big Brother-style group meeting, Olu was given his marching orders and set off back to Blighty, while the Brits’ factory colleagues had to work until late at night due to all the disruption. Only the girls were allowed back the following day - while the two boys joined a 24-hour fishing trip instead.

By the end of the episode, the remaining five Brits had all begun to show some humility, insight and understanding - but I can’t help wondering what the Indonesian workers must have made of them. I really hope they don’t think we’re all like that. It’s embarrassing.

Picture: BBC

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This week's Apprentice preview

Posted by Stewart Turner

Judging by James McQuillan’s forlorn expression when he discovered he’d missed out on the winning team’s treat of an afternoon behind the wheel of a fast car last week, this year’s Apprentice has more than its fair share of big babies in the boardroom. With this in mind, tonight Sir Alan packs the remaining eight contestants to the UK’s biggest baby show to flog some 4x4 prams to the capital’s yummy mummies.

James is also on hand to demonstrate a state-of-the-art inflatable birthing pool. In a scene which brings to mind the tabloids’ favourite man-mum Thomas Beatie doing a particularly ropey Scooby Doo impression, The Apprentice’s loveable lummox is more than happy to show that he’s in touch with his feminine, mid-childbirth side.

So, which team will end up throwing their toys out of the pram, and who’ll get to sit on Uncle Alan’s knee while he reads them an old Amstrad instruction manual at bedtime? Tune in at 9pm on BBC1 to find out.

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Eurovision Song Contest 2009, Saturday 8pm, BBC1

Posted by Jane Murphy

Ah, Eurovision - why do we bother, eh?

It’s not as if this country needs to prove it’s capable of producing some of the best music in the world - and yet a combination of political voting, lacklustre performances and downright bad luck has seen the UK fail to finish in the top five for the past seven years. Even our one-time genial host Terry Wogan decided it was all a load of old bobbins and threw in the towel after last year‘s damp squib of a show.

But did we give up and turn our backs on the rest of Europe? Did we hell! That’s not what made this country great, after all. Instead, we pulled out all the stops to ensure we did all we could to win this year - with rubber-faced music maestro Andrew Lloyd Webber guiding his publicly elected protégé Jade Ewen on a tireless publicity tour around 11 countries.

Of course, having put all our cards on the table in this way, it would have been really embarrassing if Jade’s song ‘It’s My Time’ had failed to impress in last night’s contest. But we needn’t have worried: the UK came a very respectable fifth with 173 points.

And we would have done even better if it hadn’t been for a couple of pesky fiddlers’ elbows. Puh! Yep, poor Jade nearly came a cropper when she collided with one of the on-stage violinists during her big moment - but ever the pro, she carried on like a trooper and turned in a brilliant performance.

Still, the night belonged to singing violinist - and Jamie Cullum lookalike - Alexander Rybak from Norway, whose annoyingly catchy ‘Fairytale’ won the competition with a record-breaking 387 points. “Having heard him a few times, Alex’s is now a face I would quite like to slap,” muttered Wogan’s more-than-adequate replacement Graham Norton.

Among the other notable acts? Germany inexplicably rolled out Dita Von Teese to perform her infamous burlesque act in the background. However, even Dita’s unquestionable talents weren’t enough to detract from the utterly rubbish song. Graham’s verdict? “I don’t want to poison your minds against that, but it was pants.”

Israel tugged on the world’s heartstrings with ‘There Must Be Another Way’ - sung by a Jew and a Muslim. Sample lyric: “And the tears are falling, flowing in vain / Pain has no name.” Gulp! At the other end of the spectrum, easy-on-the-eye Elena lip-synched her way through a sexy disco routine for Romania - while a mysterious woman on the far right of the stage did the actual singing. “It’s time for me to unwind,” mimed Elena. “I’m gonna start my weekend with gin, tonic and lime.” Next!

A change to the voting rules meant the outcome was decided by a combination of public tele-voting and mysterious panels of music experts, in the hope that fewer of the usual suspects would give maximum marks to their neighbours. The result? A fairer competition that resulted in a ‘Fairytale’ ending. Sadly, it wasn’t the outcome Jade had been hoping for - but she still did us all proud.

Picture: BBC

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Lie To Me, Sky1, Thursday

Posted by Liberty Jones

Apparently most of us tell three fibs every 10 minutes – but nothing gets past Tim Roth, who adds to US TV’s growing number of maverick geniuses in his latest role as a human lie detector.

American telly behemoth Fox clearly used House as its template for this new crime drama – though, unlike Hugh Laurie, Roth gets to keep his British accent. Fresh from his role in Sky1’s highly acclaimed Skellig, he plays Dr Cal Lightman, a man who can determine guilt or innocence solely by his subjects’ body language and facial expression. And we have to say, it's not exactly rocket science. A wrinkled nose and raised upper lip = disgust. Fancy that.

Lightman uses his talents to run a successful private investigation agency, which works closely with police and FBI. However, his ability to tell whether or not people are lying is both a blessing and a curse – given that he sees his family and friends telling porkies in just the same way as the criminals he’s employed to catch.

In the first episode, Cal and his crack team investigated the murder of a schoolteacher. A teenager caught fleeing the scene was identified as the prime suspect, but it wasn’t long before Cal’s unique talents led the case in an entirely different direction.

It’s a fun premise, and Roth certainly delivered a competent performance as the cocky, dry-humoured, slightly petulant boffin. As did his sidekick Kelli Williams, who plays Gillian Foster – a psychologist who, when she wasn't engaging in clunky explication, could be found guzzling junk food. Where the show falls down, however, is in its utter predictability.

If we’d never seen Monk, The Mentalist or House, we'd probably be impressed – but quite frankly we’ve had our fill of irascible eccentrics. Lie To Me made a perfectly pleasant distraction while we were doing the ironing, but sadly it wasn’t nearly gripping or original enough to have us coming back for more.

Picture: Sky

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The British Soap Awards, Wednesday, ITV1

Posted by Liberty Jones

The Rovers was deserted, you could hear a pin drop in the Woolpack and everyone in Walford was "up west" for the biggest night in the soap calendar. Hosted by a disappointingly Fern-less Phillip Schofield, the 2009 British Soap Awards got off to a sizzling start with the award for Sexiest Male.

As the shortlist – voted for by members of the public – was revealed, one over-enthusiastic female audience member stormed the stage and tore off Pip's tuxedo with her teeth. Only kidding! Seriously though, there are some truly swoonsome fellas in Soapland right now. No wonder the eventual winner, Scott Maslen (EastEnders' Jack Branning), was humble, thanking the makeup department for all their hard work and claiming it took him three hours to get ready in the morning.

The Sexiest Female title went to relative newcomer Michelle Keegan. As she went up to collect her award, in a shocking pink frock her Corrie alterego Tina McIntyre would kill for, the Hollyoaks girls tried not to look as if they wanted to scratch her eyes out. Speaking of Hollyoaks, the Cheshire soap had a very disappointing night and the only souvenirs the cast took home were hangovers. 

The Apprentice: series five, week eight

Posted by Stewart Turner 

Cheap package deals to Spain, a chronic lack of investment and holidaymakers staying away in droves – the last thing the drizzly seaside town of Margate needed to hammer a final nail in the coffin of its faded seaside glory was the attention of the remaining eight Apprentices.

In case you haven’t heard, there’s a credit crunch on, and rather than treat this year’s budding business tycoons to a trip sourcing mosque-shaped alarm clocks in Marrakesh, Sir Alan packed them off to the Kent coast, presumably where he used to hang out with a handkerchief tied over his Brillo-like hair in the days before he could afford to snort foie gras from the walnut veneer dashboard of his helicopter.

After Evil Debra bulldozed the entirely reasonable attempts of Howard to head up Empire by teasing him with the hallowed position of “sub-team manager”, they hit upon the idea of rebranding the town as a gay resort, despite local girl Mona’s protestations that homosexuality “isn’t such a big thing in Kent”. To aid them in their quest, they roped in a couple of sacked Littlewoods catalogue models to drool at each other over a 99 flake and drape a rainbow flag over the wet sand.

This week’s Apprentice preview clips

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Fancy doing a bit of cringing? We have just the thing.

Tonight’s Apprentice sees the remaining eight contestants “rebranding” Margate. For Howard and Debra, this means creating an atmosphere of sublime awkwardness by getting straight male models to play same sex-couples. If poor old Nick Hewer sinks any further into his chair, he’ll disappear from sight…

And here’s this week’s teaser clip, which sees Lorraine continuing to prove she doesn’t play well with others, as well as a nice piece of preposterous posturing from Ben.

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