Paris Hilton's British Best Friend, Thursday 9pm, ITV2

Posted by Jane Murphy

You know the set-up. Hotel heiress and former jailbird Paris Hilton has to come to the UK a lot on "business" - so she needs an on-call British Best Friend (BBF) to keep her company whenever she's here. Thousands of misguided numpties have applied to take part - but Paris has narrowed down the field to 12 squealing contenders.

And now they've all got to live together in a big house and compete in various challenges. But at the end of each episode, Paris will bid a sad farewell to the wannabe BBF who's impressed her the least. Gosh - what a jaw-droppingly original format for a TV show!

Anyway, the problem with conventional methods of making friends - meeting like-minded people at school, work, parties, etc - is that you never know until it's too late whether they'd be inclined to "embrace a makeover". However, quick-thinking Paris managed to sort the wheat from the chaff in episode one by whisking her wannabe BBFs straight off to a salon and ordering them to get a haircut.

Those who failed to fully embrace the experience - by saying things along the lines of, "Actually, I had my hair done last week when I knew I was coming on the telly" - got short shrift from Paris.

Still, the challenge wasn't all about the makeovers. The girls also had to go through a not-very-gruelling panel interview with... erm... erstwhile TV presenter Mark Durden-Smith, Boyd Hilton (no relation) from Heat magazine and "interrogation expert" Will Geddes. Sample question: "Why should you be Paris's best friend?" Answer: "I used to work in an animal sanctuary."

But when 19-year-old fashion student Jade was still snivelling about her enforced haircut the following morning, she'd sounded her own death knell. After five minutes of nail-biting deliberation, Paris bade her farewell with a new carefully honed acronym, "TTYN" - which stands for "Talk To You Never". (Or is it "Take That, You Numpty"? I forget now.)

It's all a load of old tosh, obviously - but I've a feeling it's also going to be scarily addictive viewing. Next week, Paris promises to give the remaining 11 contenders a real taste of her life. Hmmm... perhaps they're all going to prison for 23 days. Brilliant!

Picture: ITV

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Gok Wan: Too Fat, Too Young, Channel 4, Tuesday

Posted by Liberty Jones

He may be super-skinny and super-stylish, but Gok Wan knows a thing or two about being overweight. As a teenager, TV's favourite self-confidence guru weighed a whopping 21 (count ‘em) stone, so he knows from personal experience what it’s like to look in the mirror and be full of self-hatred.

In this sobering documentary – a departure from his usual fashion-based shows – Gok explored teenage obesity and the body-image pressures faced by youngsters today. Some of the most fascinating revelations in this moving journey centred around his own childhood.

As he visited his old school in Leicester, long-suppressed memories came flooding back. “I couldn’t wear school uniforms because they didn’t fit,” Gok admitted. “I used to wear Mars & Spencer’s tracksuits the whole time.” (Gok? In a trackie? Gasp!) Even more shockingly, he revealed he was once so afraid of the prospect of a PE lesson and having to get undressed in front of other people, he wet himself in class and had to be sent home.

Gok finally managed to lose the weight at the age of 20 after winning a place in drama school, but the obese youngsters he met in this documentary were still struggling to cope with life on a day-to-day basis – not to mention facing an increased risk of diabetes, heart disease and cancer. The case of Joe who, at the age of 15 weighs a massive 30 stone, was most heart-breaking. Doctors have already warned him his size could be life threatening and, unable to diet, Joe claimed gastric surgery was his "last chance of life".

There are no quick and easy solutions to the problem of teenage obesity but, after visiting a whole series of experts, as well as "spherical" (her word, not ours) comedian Dawn French, Gok came to the conclusion that boosting self-esteem is the key. "I still am obsessed with food and probably always will be," he admitted. "In the end it came down to learning to like myself."

Picture: Channel 4

Dancing on Ice, ITV1, Sunday

Posted by Liberty Jones

The girls went head to head with the boys for the first time in Sunday night's feature length edition of Dancing on Ice. As expected, X Factor star Ray Quinn stole the show, working his tight pants and silky top for all he was worth as he delivered another effortless performance. His score of 25 was richly deserved, but left us wondering where he goes from here. As judge Karen Barber acknowledged, Ray is already the best celebrity skater the show's ever had – and it's still only week three. At this rate they're going to have to raise the top score from 6 to 10!

Also faring well was Jessica Taylor, who finished second on the leaderboard with 20.5  points. The former Liberty X star was praised by Jason Gardiner for her "beautiful, flowing grace" over the ice, but in the same breath Mr Nasty declared himself strangely unmoved by her performance. Snapping at Jessica's heels was Melinda Messenger, who had pulled herself up by her bootstraps after finding herself in last week's dance-off. Nicky Slater described the mum-of-three's routine as "beautiful and assured", while Ruthie Henshall said she was "absolutely watchable".

At the other end of the scale, Todd Carty – or should that be Todd Carthorse? – earned himself a frankly embarrassing 9.5 after losing his bearings and skating off the rink and into the tunnel. "Entertaining for all the wrong reasons" was Robin Cousins' verdict, while Jason declared: "The only thing missing from your performance was a big red nose."

We don’t usually like to criticise the judges, but we have to say their voting on Sunday night was incredibly inconsistent. Quite how Coleen Nolan managed to bag more points than either Zoe Salmon or Jeremy Edwards is beyond us – and Ruthie seemed to agree, slating Nicky for awarding Coleen a whopping 4.5, and Ray just half a point more, when their performances were clearly poles apart.

When it came to the skate-off, rugby ace Ellery Hanley found himself doing battle with Jeremy – and, as the judges unanimously elected to save Ellery, Holby City star Jeremy became the show's latest casualty.

Picture: ITV

Stockwell, Wednesday 9pm, ITV1

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Our rating:

It's now just one of many memories for most of us, but July 2005 was a heady month for Britons, and Londoners in particular. The 7/7 attacks on the city's transport system led to the deaths of 52 people – or 56 if you count the perpetrators – and when there was a second, failed, series of attacks exactly two weeks later, it was hard not to wonder whether it might be better to stay at home every other Thursday.

Last night's stylishly filmed ITV docu-drama, Stockwell was, of course, based on the events of the following day, in which an innocent Brazilian called Jean Charles de Menezes was shot and killed by the Metropolitan police on board an Underground train at Stockwell station, after being mistaken for 22/7 suspect Osman Hussein.

Beginning at 5.30am, just four and a half hours before Menezes entered the south London tube station, picked up a Metro and walked to his death, the programme kicked off with a police briefing followed by the Met's impatient surveillance on the Brazilian's home, ratcheting up the tension as we counted down to the shocking moment itself.

Rather than a documentary illustrated by re-enactments, Stockwell felt more like a Spooks-like drama with a voiceover explaining what was going on, which was a rather unusual way to do things, but definitely added a sense of weight and accuracy.

Although the programme humanised the police involved and certainly emphasised the judgement of Justice Richard Henriques in the 2007 criminal trial that the tragedy came about due to corporate failure rather than the folly of individuals, the errors he detailed were in no way not glossed over – we saw the firearms team's tardy response, the faulty radio equipment, and that awful confusion in communications which led to Menezes's upgrading from possible suspect to being "definitely our man", as one of the firearms officers put it.

It was a series of small mistakes that conspired to create one big one, bringing about that inevitably sad, and still shocking, conclusion.

Stabbed: The Truth About Knife Crime, Tuesday 9pm, BBC1

Posted by Jane Murphy

Now, I'm not that stupid. I knew last night's knife crime documentary wasn't going to be a barrel of laughs and that I'd probably find much of it disturbing. But I hadn't expected to gasp in horror then burst into tears of disbelief before I'd even settled down on the sofa.

Just a couple of minutes into this harrowing but fascinating programme, we were shown CCTV footage of a completely unprovoked fatal stabbing in a Romford car park. Student Daniel Pollen and his best friend Andy Griffiths were waiting for Daniel's sister Kirsty to pick them up from a night out clubbing, when they were both attacked by a group of three men.

The whole thing lasted just a few seconds. By the time Kirsty arrived minutes later, her brother was dying while his murderers had calmly driven off. Daniel was killed by just one stab wound to the heart. "You wouldn't believe so much blood could come out of such a tiny cut," Kirsty revealed in a moving interview.

Daniel's family allowed the CCTV film to be made public in the hope it will deter others from carrying - and using - knives. Other bereaved parents have made similar brave gestures. After the murder of her son Oliver last year, for example, Caroline Kingonzila insisted on having an open coffin at the funeral, so his peers could see the multiple stab wounds to his face and body.

But despite these sterling efforts, the sobering statistics remain. Last year, 322 people were stabbed to death in the UK. Among them, 28 teenagers died in London, while 40 of the fatal stabbings took place in "murder capital" Glasgow. Many - but by no means all - of these attacks were gang-related.

Last night's documentary also called on police officers, criminologists, peace campaigners and disaffected teenagers to provide their insightful - if depressing - views on the situation. "I know people who feel naked without a knife," admitted Londoner Alika Jeffs. Another world-weary teen - this time in Glasgow - sighed: "You can't even walk to the garage without getting attacked round here."

The programme's conclusion? The truth about knife crime is that there's no simple solution - but prevention has to start early on with strong families, supportive neighbourhoods and good education. Without these, kids often grow up thinking it's normal to carry a weapon. Or, as one world-weary Glaswegian lad put it: "It's just the way it is."

Picture: PA

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Dancing on Ice, ITV1, Sunday

Posted by Liberty Jones

It was ladies' night on Sunday and there were no gasps of surprise when former Liberty X singer Jessica Taylor finished top of the leaderboard. Jessica's superlative performance was due not only to the fact her husband – England cricket star Kevin Pietersen – was in the audience, but also because in 2004 she competed in the BBC's Strictly Ice Dancing, eventually finishing second overall. There's no doubt the experience has given the Lancashire lass an unfair advantage, and if we were one of the other contestants we'd be seething in our spangled costume at the injustice of it. Anyway, rant over…

Besides Jessica, the other star of the night was the impossibly long-limbed Zoe Salmon, who bagged 18.5 points out of a possible 30 for what the judges acknowledged was a very difficult routine. Even Jason offered grudging praise, saying the ex-Blue Peter presenter demonstrated "great interaction" with partner Matt Evers.

Also impressing was top-heavy model-turned-TV presenter Melinda Messenger, who gave a lively performance with Ruthie declaring her "a joy to watch". Jason wasn't quite so effusive, however, slating the mum-of-three's "clumpy landings" and "messy presentation".

We were expecting great things from Roxanne Pallett and her partner, the wonderful Daniel Whiston. The Emmerdale babe certainly looked the part in a skimpy silver dress and spectacular eye makeup, but sadly her routine was all style and no substance. Just for once we found ourselves agreeing with Jason when he criticised Roxy's opening piece of choreography, saying it looked as if she was "having a convulsion".

Fellow soap star Gemma Bissix's bubble also burst on the ice. The EastEnders bad girl could only manage a measly 13 points after a stiff and tentative performance. But at least she didn't finish bottom – that dubious honour fell to Coleen Nolan, whose excruciating training video revealed the full extent of her self-doubt. At the end of her live performance, the Loose Woman burst into tears and said she was relieved it was all over.

When it came to the skate-off, it was Melinda and Gemma who found themselves staring down the barrel of a gun. Both girls showed a distinct improvement, but all the judges agreed Melinda's performance was far superior. We had a lump in our throats as self-proclaimed Dancing on Ice super fan Gemma got the chop and promptly burst into tears. Farewell Gemma… it was short, but very sweet.

Picture: ITV

Project Runway, Wednesday, Sky 1

Posted by Liberty Jones

When the producers dreamt up the idea for Project Runway, there must have been lots of enthusiastic discussion about how the show – a sort of X Factor for fashion designers – would strip the creative process bare and introduce a group of hugely talented would-be Dolce & Gabbanas to the world. But in reality, Project Runway is nothing more than a great big juicy bitch-fest – which is precisely why we love it so much.

We're now on series five and nothing much has changed. German supermodel Heidi Klum is blank and robotic, even when she's attempting to be sympathetic. Meanwhile, mentor Tim Gunn (think Miss Jean Brodie meets Are You Being Served's Mr Humphries) continues to offer paternal guidance, as our fashionistas compete for $100,000 and a spread in Elle magazine.

Among this year's 16 posturing egomaniacs – sorry, contestants – are Kelli ("if Vivienne Westwood and Betsey Johnson had a baby it would be me"), Jennifer ("I'm Holly Golightly meets Salvador Dali"), Leanne ("the silent fashion assassin") and the ludicrously named Suede (hmmm… we bet his real name's Kevin). By far and away the least likeable, however, is permatanned Blayne who, despite already having six years design experience under his belt, is currently working in a coffee shop. Okaaay….

The group's first task was to make a garment from items purchased at a supermarket. A good proportion went for the easy option, constructing their outfit from picnic tablecloths. Others were more creative – we particularly liked Daniel's cocktail dress, fashioned from 260 plastic cups that he'd painstakingly ironed into shape. The judges were impressed too, with fashion designer Michael Kors saying Daniel's effort showed "bravado and confidence".

Cher lookalike Stella fared less well, with Heidi describing her bin bag ensemble as "butt ugly". We've got a better word for it... "rubbish". But in the catwalk show finale, Stella was outdone in the hideousness stakes by Jerry, whose shower curtain raincoat looked, said Michael, "like something you'd wear in a slasher movie". But, as Heidi dismissed Jerry with a curt "You're out," his self-belief remained intact. "I am a true designer," he boasted as he packed his bags. "I make beautiful clothes." Yeah, mate, and I'm Donna Karan…

Picture: Sky

24, Monday 9pm, Sky1

Posted by Will Parkhouse

If there’s one thing 24’s good at, apart from tension and torture, it’s acronyms. Last night’s double bill season opener saw former CTU man Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) hauled away from his Senate trial to work for the FBI, after terrorists managed to break into the CIP firewall. It’s enough to give you a VBH (very big headache).

Anyway, the CIP firewall, we discovered, is Day 7’s gadget du jour, being the thing that stops The Bad People Who Hate America from hacking into air traffic control and telling pilots to do lots of loop the loops or crash into buildings. Or not, in this case.

Half Ton Son, Channel 4, Monday 10pm

Posted by Stewart Turner

If you’re anything like me, you’re probably feeling a bit on the flabby side as you struggle to slip into your elastic-waisted jeans following a few weeks’ worth of seasonal excess. Maybe you’re also struggling to drag your ample posterior out of the door to get some much-needed exercise, or struggling to lay off the booze for the entire month of January, as you somewhat ambitiously promised yourself.

Well, Channel 4 could well have injected me with some much needed impetus, because if we’re talking lardy arses, the backside of 19-year-old Texan Billy Robbins sure takes some beating. At 60 stone, young Billy holds the dubious title of the ‘World’s Heaviest Teenager’ and spends hour after hour holed up in his dark, pongy bedroom playing video games. Oh, and luckily doting mother Barbara is on hand to bring her son Big Mac after Big Mac and give him a daily wash under those hard-to-reach overhanging bits. And change his nappies, of course.

Half Ton Son was a truly shocking tale, and I spent most of the 60 or so minutes the programme ran peeping tentatively at the TV between my fingers. As Billy was packed off to hospital for some dramatic, cutting-edge “kill or cure” surgery to reduce the size of his stomach and launch him into a programme of extreme weight loss, it became evident that mum Barbara was very much part of the problem.

It turned out that Billy’s mum lost her first son, Matthew, when he was just 19 months old, and as a result her second son’s life has been 19 long years of overindulgence. The pair’s devastatingly extreme interdependence even led doctors to believe that Barbara was likely to sabotage her son’s weight loss because she wasn’t psychologically ready for him to lead an independent life. The pair’s row at the end of the program, when Billy refused to get up from his bed, made for excruciatingly painful but compelling viewing.

The documentary concluded with the news that Billy and Barbara are embarking on a trial separation. Something tells me there isn’t going to be a happy ending…

Countdown, 3.25pm Monday, BBC1

Posted by Jane Murphy

The last time I was excited about watching Countdown was in... erm... November 1982. As the TV aficionados among you will already know, the words-and-numbers quiz show was the first programme ever to air on Channel 4. Back then, I rushed home from school and settled down with a nice cup of tea and a biscuit, ready to be wowed by all this new-fangled TV channel had to offer.

Readers, I was very disappointed. Only five minutes into the show and it became apparent this programme was geared around spelling tests and sums, not dissimilar to the ones I'd been trying to avoid doing all day. So I switched over to watch Animal Magic instead - which wasn't a decision to make lightly because we didn't have a remote control in those days, so I actually had to get off the sofa. Imagine!

Still, 26 years later, Countdown has become a national institution - and today's show was one of the most eagerly awaited TV events of the century (no, really). Prior to her tearful departure last year, Carol Vorderman revealed she'd been asked to take a 90% pay cut and told the show had survived without original presenter Richard Whiteley, so it could survive without her, too.

So could it? In the build-up to the new series, lots has been written about new frontman Jeff Stelling and Carol's 22-year-old replacement, Rachel Riley - but Channel 4 had several more surprises up its sleeves. "New look, new chairs, new presenters..." said the continuity announcer proudly, as he introduced the show. New chairs? How did they manage to keep that one quiet?

But that's not all: everyone's favourite wronged granddad Andrew Sachs was in Dictionary Corner, looking as warm and cuddly as ever. In fact, I'm willing to bet he had a packet of Werther's Originals stashed under the desk. There was one slightly cringe-inducing interlude when Sachsy announced he was about to perform a monologue by a "very popular comedian". But no, it wasn't that comedian: it was someone called Billy Bennett from the 1920s.

But how did Jeff and Rachel measure up against their predecessors? Well, Sky Sports presenter Jeff kept trying to steady his nerves by bringing the conversation round to football at every opportunity - which is perfectly acceptable in my book, but may irritate some of the show's more diehard fans.

And Rachel initially had the nervous gait of a head girl who's been asked to give a presentation in assembly. But she soon warmed up - although there was one hilarious moment when she drew a plus sign instead of a minus. What a berk! Oh, and the letters board was sadly lacking in rude anagrams - although one of the contestants did say the word "rectum" at one point.

All in all, I reckon the producers were right: Countdown can, and will, survive without Carol. But if it was going head to head with Animal Magic, I think I'd still make the same viewing choice I made 26 years ago...

Picture: Channel 4

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