Who for Doctor Who?

Posted by Dan Curley

The ink hasn’t even dried on David Tennant’s letter of resignation as TV’s Doctor Who, but bookies are already making odds on who’s going to step into the Time Lord’s boots.

Gutted Who fans heard of Tennant’s decision to call time at the Tardis during his acceptance speech after bagging the Outstanding Drama Performance gong at the National Television Awards.

The current front-runner to become the next Dalek-basher is 44-year-old David Morrissey. He’s appearing in this year’s Dr Who Christmas special – playing a character known only as The Doctor. The Liverpool-born thespian hit the big time playing alongside Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct 2, yet despite being the bookies’ favourite he’s not on the BBC’s shortlist.

Whoever lands the role will be chosen by incoming Producer Steven Moffatt. Three candidates are currently humming around inside the 47-year-old’s skull.

EastEnders, Thursday, BBC1

Posted by Claudia Pattison

"Hallowe'en..." Dot declared in last night's action-packed EastEnders, "night of restless spirits and pagan worship. I'll be better off under the blankets." We bet Max wished he'd stayed at home, tucked safely up in bed. As it was, he had a perfectly nightmarish evening. First up, Jack took him to a deserted warehouse and gave him a good hiding as payback for Max's attempt to frame him for attempted murder earlier in the week. So much for brotherly love, eh?

Later, a blood-splattered Max went telling tales to estranged wife Tanya, and before you could say "pass me a toffee apple" they were sharing a tender kiss. Cripes – and here were we thinking the pair's relationship was dead and buried (especially in the light of that unpleasant business in the woods earlier this year).

But that wasn't the most shocking part of last night's tense double bill. No, siree. The stomach-churning climax came as Max walked across the Square to dispose of that gun. All at once, a car came speeding towards him – and, dazzled by the headlights, Max was a sitting duck. In gruesome scenes, the car rammed straight into him, throwing him over its bonnet and onto the ground, where he lay twitching like a chicken with its head cut off. Did the driver stop to lend a hand? Did he hell!

Which just leaves the question, who was behind the wheel? Frankly, your guess is as good as ours… Max has peed off so many people, we're surprised they didn't all club together and hire a double decker bus to run him over.

Picture: BBC

The Restaurant, Wednesday 8pm, BBC2

Posted by Claudia Pattison

We can hardly contain our excitement as The Restaurant, which sees ordinary members of the public battle it out for the chance to open an eaterie with legendary chef Raymond Blanc, approaches its climax.

In the blue corner, we have boyhood pals James and Alasdair. Last week, front-of-house man Alasdair - who goes into full panic mode if a napkin so much as flutters to the floor - struggled to do up his own tie. Also causing great hilarity among the diners are his mistake-strewn menus that frequently feature such delicacies as "roasted scaloops" and "poached pairs". But hey, he seems like a nice bloke.

His partner (though not in the biblical sense) James is an undoubtedly talented chef, having worked in Michelin-starred kitchens before. But he's ever so tetchy and has already revealed, "I'm not very good at maths" - an admission hardly likely to inspire confidence in a potential business partner. And yet, despite these shortcomings, we feel a strange stirring in our loins whenever we catch sight of his heavily tattooed biceps.

Holding hands in the red corner are Russell and Michelle who, even after seven years together, still gaze at each other like a pair of lovesick extras from High School Musical. Despite Michelle's tendency to burst into tears at the faintest whiff of criticism and her attempt to kill off a table of gluten-intolerant diners by offering them a plate of complimentary crostini, she exudes warmth - a great attribute for a host. Russell, meanwhile, is a competent cook who always stays calm under pressure - though Raymond has told him he lacks passion.

In tonight's final task, the teams must prepare a five-course menu and serve it aboard the Orient Express, before M Blanc gives them a good grilling. And at the end of it all, one couple's dream will come true. James and Ali, our money's on you...

Picture: BBC

Neil Morrissey's Risky Business, Tuesday 10pm, Channel 4

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Celebrity mates are interesting, aren't they? What would it be like to say, "Oh yeah, I'm mates with Paul Danan, he's a really cool guy." Well, inaccurate for starters, but never mind. Anyway, this new Channel 4 three-parter gave us the chance to meet Richard Fox, who's pals with Men Behaving Badly's Neil Morrissey.

Fox is a chef who likes cooking with beer; Morrissey is an actor who likes drinking beer. So surely setting up a pub to sell their own homemade beer in six months would be easier than organising a p***-up in a microbrewery?

Well, no. The pair's utter lack of expertise aside, the credit crunch is now so all-pervading it's hard not to imagine it breaking into your house while you sleep and stealing the pennies from your copper pot, so there have surely been better times to start a business. Plus, the UK saw 1,400 pubs going under last year, although Moz's amusingly simplistic explanation for this – "they were probably dumb people" – summed up the pair's blind optimism nicely.

So they headed off on their mission, scouting pub locations, bizarrely attempting to convince a savvy marketing man to help them promote a product they hadn't even created yet and drinking lots of beer on the way. As Black Sheep brewery owner Paul Theakston said, "They're completely mad. Delightfully mad, but mad."

He's right – and it was a fun ride. Morrissey shares Justin Lee Collins's talent for crude but well-delivered one-liners – "my breath smells like an old dog's knob," he told us evocatively during one hangover – and he and Fox bounced off each other, like… well, like Men Behaving Badly's Tony and Gary. Actually, it was almost uncannily MBB-like in places – and there were moments when you wished with all your heart that Morrissey had teamed up with Martin Clunes instead, just for the nostalgic spectacle of the thing.

Picture: Channel 4

When Borat Came To Town, 10pm Monday, BBC4

Posted by Jane Murphy

I'm not normally particularly prudish or "right-on" when it comes to finding things funny - but as far as Borat's concerned, I've really never got the joke. Despite the film-makers' assertions that the Sacha Baron Cohen movie is "a message of tolerance through satire", it's always struck me as Hollywood's feeble attempt to get cheap laughs from people less fortunate than themselves - with scant regard for their feelings.

Pieter Van Hustyee's eye-opening documentary introduced us to the people of Glod, a remote village in Romania. Despite the less-than-picturesque setting, Pieter's wasn't the first excitable film crew to show up in Glod. A few years back, Sacha and the gang rolled up and paid residents around £2 each to take part in the Borat movie.

But it seems many of the villagers weren't aware this was a film, not a documentary. Language barriers meant they didn't understand what was being said during shooting - which is how one man, Spiri, ended up being portrayed as an abortionist. Laugh? I thought I'd never start...

Last night's documentary picked up the story as a pair of lawyers attempted to persuade Spiri and others to file a lawsuit against the filmmakers. The all-too-predictable results were thoroughly depressing. Having suggested they gatecrash Baron Cohen's party at the Oscars, the lawyers succeeded only in flying three of the villagers as far as London.

Here, the baffled, out-of-their-depth trio were practically bundled into the reception of 20th Century Fox and told to hand over a letter to Rupert Murdoch. Funnily enough, Big Rupe didn't show - and the lawsuit has since been thrown out by a US judge.

Somewhat unnecessarily, much of the documentary focused on Spiri's 17-year-old granddaughter Ionela and her difficult but loving relationship with her dad. This did give an interesting insight into everyday life in Glod, but the contrived conversations and seemingly set-up scenes involving Ionela often detracted from the main storyline.

It's almost as if Van Hustyee felt he needed a camera-friendly teenage heroine to make the programme worth watching. He didn't. After all, we're not all as shallow as Hollywood bigwigs, you know...

Picture: BBC4

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Strictly Come Dancing, Sunday, BBC1

Posted by Liberty Jones

We always thought Strictly Come Dancing couldn't put a foot wrong – but it seems we were mistaken. The show has waltzed straight into a race row after the BBC's website received hundreds of complaints following last weekend's dance-off between the show's only two black contestants, Don Warrington and Heather Small. According to the News of the World, angry celebrities have demanded a probe into what many see as racist voting patterns on the show, with black radio DJ Spoony, a competitor in the 2006 series of Strictly, telling the newspaper it's time the subject was given a wider airing. It's a controversial issue and one we're sure will be the subject of much debate. But for now, back to the dancing…

This week the contestants plumped for either the elegant Viennese waltz or the fiery paso doble. Rugby player Austin Healey reclaimed his place at the top of the leader board with a stunning waltz, while newlywed Tom Chambers – who'd taken partner Camilla Dallerup on honeymoon – came joint second with Rachel Stevens.

Last week's heroine Lisa Snowdon looked stunning in a turquoise and black gown, slashed to the waist. But her explosive paso failed to set the judges on fire – although it did earn a perfectly respectable 29 points. Cherie Lunghi wasn't on her best form either, struggling to recover after fluffing her steps at the start of her routine.

Mark Foster received a battering from the judges with Bruno declaring: "You look like a god, but dance like a geek" and Craig describing his performance as "grotesque… like a stick insect on acid." Ouch. Meanwhile, viewers' favourite John Sergeant frogmarched his way through his routine, prompting Bruno to snipe: "It looked like Dad's Army danced the paso."

When it came to crunch time, Mark Foster and GMTV's Andrew Castle were in the bottom two – and deservedly so. As they performed for the second time, it was obvious that one couple had the edge: Andrew and Ola – which meant we had to bid Mark and his amazing pecs goodbye. Sigh.

Picture: BBC

The X Factor, Saturday, ITV1

Posted by Liberty Jones

Simon Cowell lost his first act this weekend as Scott Bruton was sent home after battling it out against Daniel Evans in "big band" night. The shy 19-year-old didn't stand a chance against the widower, who moved three judges to tears with a song in memory of his dead wife. Earlier in the evening, Scott was praised by the judges for his confident performance of Frank Sinatra's That's Life. But the viewers at home were less impressed - and, after Cheryl, Dannii and Louis voted to save Daniel, Scott was clearly devastated, staring at the floor and barely able to say a word, despite Dermot's best attempts to comfort him.

For us, the star of the night was sultry Spanish songbird Ruth, who belted out a fantastic version of Summertime, which earned her a standing ovation. What's more she looked hot as hell in a figure-hugging red dress that had Simon's eyeballs out on stalks. Austin, Alexandra and Laura also kicked ass – as did Rachel, who was handed a gift of a song in the form of Nina Simone's Feeling Good. "I apologise if I'm going to embarrass you, but that was the best performance of the night," Simon told the mum-of-five. "You deserve a break more than anyone else in this competition."

We weren't so keen on 16-year-old Eoghan's attempt at the Nat King Cole classic L.O.V.E – although he did display some hitherto unseen dancing skills. Boy band JLS also left us cold as they took to the stage in waistcoats and flat caps (Chas 'n' Dave, eat your heart out) to perform Ain't That A Kick in the Head. Simon told the lads: "This is the first week you're in trouble." But Louis defended his act, calling them "the best group we've ever had on X Factor." Yeah, well he would say that, wouldn't he?

So that just leaves Diana. We never thought we'd say this, but the 17-year-old's little girl voice and self-consciousness kookiness are starting to grate. Her rendition of Smile was undoubtedly accomplished… we just wish she'd put some shoes on.

Picture: ITV

Gordon Ramsay: Cookalong Live, 9pm Friday, Channel 4

Posted by Jane Murphy

Ah, Friday night! Time to pop down the pub with your mates or relax on the sofa with a takeaway and a bottle of wine, right? Wrong! It's time to cart your TV into the kitchen and cook along with scary, sweary chef Gordon Ramsay, as he shows us how to prepare a three-course meal in the space of an hour.

On the menu tonight, we have: warm goat's cheese salad with an apple and walnut vinaigrette; salmon en croute with herbed new potatoes and garlic sautéed broccoli; and caramelised rhubarb and ginger crumble with clotted cream.

Apparently, "tens of thousands" of people joined in with Gordon's first live Cookalong special back in January - although Channel 4's official figures don't state how many gave up and called out for a pizza halfway through.

Still, the programme was deemed a big success - which is why the prolific chef's back with a whole series aimed at "taking the intimidation out of dinner parties". Ah yes, what could be less intimidating than having Ramsay's purple face bellowing at you to stick the salmon in the oven when you're still struggling to get the shrink-wrap off your goat's cheese?

Mind you, you could always tape the show and make the meal at a more leisurely pace later. (I'm full of bright ideas, me.) Or if you're determined not to cheat, you'll need to visit the Channel 4 website to check you have all the necessary equipment and ingredients. And frankly, if you can't get hold of some walnut halves and dark rum before 9pm tonight, you're stuffed!

Picture: Channel 4

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Strictly Come Dancing, Sunday, BBC1

Posted by Liberty Jones

The costumes were the stars of the show in this weekend's Strictly-fest, as the men and women went head to head for the first time. Swimmer Mark Foster's unspeakably tight black fishnet top caused Arlene to break out in a hot flush. Meanwhile, dads around the country choked on their vindaloo as ballroom pro Kristina Rihanoff and her gravity-defying bosoms took to the dancefloor in a skimpy tangerine number, accompanied by a beaming (and who can blame him?) John Sergeant.

Performance-wise, the highest scores of the night went to Holby City star Tom Chambers – his impending wedding clearly having put an extra spring in his step – and presenter Lisa Snowdon. Tom's American Smooth was, said judge Craig Revel Horrid, "full of charm and confidence", while Arlene too was unusually effusive, describing Lisa's effort as "earth-shattering".

Austin Healey and Cherie Lunghi produced the sort of respectable performances we've come to expect from them both, though Craig complained that Cherie hadn't injected enough "showbiz" into her routine. Meanwhile, supermodel Jodie Kidd had picked herself up after last week's disappointing display, with Len proclaiming her American Smooth as her best dance to date.

Faring less well were GMTV's Andrew Castle, who nearly dropped partner Ola Jordan and whose plodding, pigeon-toed fandango was described by Bruno Tonioli as "rotten". After a critical mauling from the judges, poor Andrew appeared crushed as he admitted "that's the worst we've done it all week".

Also failing to impress was veteran political journalist John, whose lacklustre samba received a vote of no confidence from the judges and the lowest score of the night. We still think he's fab though!

On Sunday night's results show, it was Heather Small and Don Warrington who were in the bottom two. Both showed a spectacular improvement as they performed again for the judges, but in the event it was Heather who emerged victorious. Accepting defeat in his usual gracious manner, Shakespearean actor Don said his one big regret was that he wouldn't get to dance with partner Lilia Kopylova again. Goodnight, Don… we're really going to miss you.

Picture: BBC

The X Factor, Saturday, ITV1

Posted by Liberty Jones

It was Michael Jackson night on Saturday and judge Louis faced the humiliation of having a second act axed in as many weeks. The show got off to a strong start as Alexandra belted out the Mariah Carey version of I'll Be There, prompting an over-excited Louis to squeak: "You got it going on, girl!" Solid performances from Scott and Ruth followed, before Girlband sang a sick-making version of Heal The World, which Simon blasted as "gimmicky" and "gooey".

Next up was Laura, who admitted she was out of her comfort zone as she sang You Are Not Alone, backed by a substantial choir (hmmm… isn't that cheating?). Simon was suitably impressed, however, declaring it the "best performance of the night so far". But for us, the highlight was definitely Austin's haunting rendition of Billie Jean, which made us think for the first time that the teary Essex boy could go all the way.

Dad-of-three Daniel's One Day In Your Life was so dull it was more like watching than Michael Ball than Michael Jackson. Thankfully, boyband JLS upped the tempo as they bounced and gyrated their way through The Way You Make Me Feel, driving the crowd wild and earning a standing ovation from Louis.

Cheryl who, we couldn't help noticing, was wearing a very peculiar pant suit, the like of which was last seen on Joan Collins, circa 1979, was clearly delighted with protégé Diana's barefoot performance of Man In The Mirror. Simon was pretty impressed too, telling the teenager: "You may be the one to beat."

After last week's disastrous performance, Rachel had picked her own song this time round. Unfortunately, we can't tell you what it was as we were too busy watching the topless men on motorbikes. Wee Eoghan wrapped up the show with – yes, you've guessed it, a cutesy version of Ben. No doubt 13-year-girls everywhere were sobbing into their teddy bears…

When it came to crunch time, Dermot announced that the bottom two were Ruth (shock, horror) and, for the second time, Girlband. The judges were at loggerheads, with Cheryl and Dannii choosing Ruth and Louis and Simon opting for Girlband. With a deadlock situation, it was down to the viewers. An envelope appeared from somewhere and Dermot revealed that Girlband had received the fewest votes and would therefore be going home. We slept easy in our beds, knowing that justice had been served.

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Picture: ITV