Poppy Shakespeare, Monday 9pm, Channel 4

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Our rating:

Following Channel 4’s recent ventures into feature-length gritty-but-glossy drama with Boy A and Britz, here comes Poppy Shakespeare, a 90-minute adaptation of Clare Allen’s best-selling novel, itself a trippy satire on Britain’s mental health system.

When glamorous new patient Poppy (Naomie Harris) arrives at North London psychiatric ward the Dorothy Fish, N (Anna Maxwell Martin), a 13-year resident who’s made it her mission to stay inside the system, is asked to be her guide.

The ostensibly sane (though furious) Poppy is intent to get out, but with N’s help, discovers that she’ll need to hire a lawyer to prove she’s not loopy. But to pay, she needs benefits (“mad money” as the patients’ lingo goes) – and to get this, she has to prove to the powers that be that she’s mad. D’oh!

So far, so surreal. As the pair’s friendship grows and the Catch-22 oddness is backed up with some disorientating slices of flight-of-fancy surrealism, Poppy and N begin to switch places. N uses the pair’s friendship as a foundation to get better, while Poppy finds her stay in the ward crushes her spirit and brings out a hitherto-unseen depression.

A clever conceit, yes, but unfortunately it’s Poppy Shakespeare’s very artfulness that scuppers the programme when it tries to reach out emotionally. Despite the miserable denouement – and convincing performances by the two leads – it’s hard to feel moved.

Making a serious point about society’s fractures through the medium of surreal buddy-buddy tragicomedy is possible – Stewart: A Life Backwards managed it. But this didn’t, quite.

The Apprentice, Wednesday 9pm, BBC1

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Our rating:
Oh hello you. Yes, The Apprentice is back, bringing with it all the reality goodness we’ve come to expect: Sir Alan’s crunching non-sequiturs (“Mary Poppins I am not”), those well-practised contestant soundbites (“Words are my tool”), tie knots as big as apples and enough aerial shots of the Gherkin to give building fetishists everywhere coronaries.

Last night’s episode wasn’t the best we’ve seen, but chaos and excitement carried it through. The most notable character, of course, was the wonderful Raef Bjayou, who almost immediately emerged as this year’s Tre Azam – the previous series’ delusional clown.

Our new hero’s Adonis-like looks and stature are constantly being undermined by several factors, not least his splat of incongruous hair and conspicuous lack of blinking. Straight-spined, Raef, you see, has made a pact with himself never to turn just his head to face whoever’s speaking - it's the whole body or nothing. The effect is less badly oiled robot, more classical Greek sculpture – one that gets rotated by an invisible army of miniature helpers. Even better, he’s a class-A toff whose bizarre epithets only add to the silliness, “I get on with prince or pauper” being just one of a number of gems.

Anyway, after the fish-selling challenge Raef managed to escape the boot, but it was a shame Nicholas de Lacy-Brown had to go. His irksome image – David Mitchell meets Richard E Grant meets the most annoying man on earth – was all the more reason to keep him in, frankly. His only failure in life so far was getting a B in one of his GCSEs. Now he can add “first out on The Apprentice” to the list.

Meet the contestants >>
Sir Alan tired of catchphrase >>
Sir Alan softens up (a bit) >>

Gossip Girl, Thursday 10pm, ITV2

Posted by Jane Murphy

Our rating:

Been missing The OC? Nope, me neither. But a new teen drama from across the pond looks set to fill the gap left by Mischa Barton and co - and lure in a few more viewers thanks to its seductive combination of lust, intrigue and witty one-liners.

Gossip Girl is the tale of über-privileged New York schoolgirls Serena van der Woodsen (Blake Lively) and Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester). Blair's been ruling the roost among her peers since erstwhile best friend Serena left town in mysterious circumstances. But now Ms van der Woodsen is back - and Blair's not going to step out of the spotlight without a fight.

Cue a never-ending saga of boyfriend-stealing, back-stabbing, double-crossing, tongue-lashing and tonsil-tickling. Basically, it's a bit like Skins but with more designer outfits and less swearing.

No wonder the anonymous Gossip Girl has so much to write about on her blog. Ah yes, the show's eponymous heroine... Nobody knows her true identity, but everyone relies on her website and text messages for the latest scoop on who's been misbehaving.

Despite its apparent soapy shallowness, Gossip Girl has become a big hit in the US - even being compared favourably to Sex and the City. So get ready to tune in, zone out and enjoy this guilty pleasure...

Picture: ITV

SEE ALSO:
Spring's Top 10 TV shows >>
More New York drama: Dirty Sexy Money >>
Read our celebrity gossip blog >>

Desperate Housewives, Wednesday 10pm, Channel 4

Posted by Tim Carson

Our rating:

I’ve tried on several occasions to get into Desperate Housewives, having been promised by friends that “it’s great”. So far it’s failed to grip me and after several episodes I’ve given up and moved on to something else.

As series four of the hit US show starts in the UK this week, I thought I'd give it one more go. Having not seen any episodes since about halfway through series three, the good thing is that it doesn’t really take long to get up to speed. Mike and Susan are together, Gabrielle and Carlos are on/off, Lynette is still frazzled, Bree’s still struggling with her family life and Edie… well, Edie is still just Edie.

Series four is off and running and naturally, this being Wisteria Lane, there’s more to things being "normal" than meets the eye. Although Mike and Susan are married, Susan’s not sure Mike is happy – and there's a big surprise in store for both. Gabrielle is married, but not to Carlos, although they are planning to run away together. Edie throws a spanner in that plan by faking suicide so she can hang on to Carlos. Lynette is tired because she’s battling cancer and keeping it a secret from her friends. And Bree’s family is about to expand because she’s faking a pregnancy to cover up her daughter’s actual with-child state.

Sadly, it seems to me that maybe US writers’ strike hit Desperate Housewives earlier than some other shows, as they seem to be recycling old plots from previous series. The housewives themselves haven’t developed much and haven’t learned any lessons about keeping secrets. Oh, and of course, there are new neighbours on the block who, surprise surprise, have a big secret… ooh.

With Nathan “Serenity” Fillion joining an already top-notch cast as one of the new chaps next door, the show must be doing something right. Maybe the series will improve, but I found the opening episode desperately dull. Can somebody explain to me why this show is so popular?

SEE ALSO:
Return of the housewives >>

Cheryl to get her own TV show?

Posted by Nicola Scholey

Watch out Jeremy Kyle, TV bosses want Cheryl Cole to host her own chat show.

The Girls Aloud singer has been bombarded with offers after her appearances on The Friday Night Project and ITV2's The Passions.

TV executives think Cheryl would be a great host and would attract high profile guests and could draw on her own personal experiences - including her recent 'trouble' with husband Ashley.

According to The Sun a source at the William Morris agency where Cheryl is looked after said: "We've been approached by a host of TV companies all wanting to get Cheryl on board.

"Cheryl would be great. She loved co-hosting The Friday Night Project with the rest of the girls and came across well on The Passions, where she learned to street dance.

"She is very keen to do more TV and have a shot at her own show, but it's very early days."

She could be Newcastle's very own Parky.

SEE ALSO:
The Passions of Girls Aloud >>
Heartbroken Cheryl Cole stops eating >>

Dirty Sexy Money, Friday 9pm, Channel 4

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Our rating:
If there’s one thing more annoying than Jim Davidson, it’s the way otherwise great US TV shows so consistently foul up their good work with mawkish finales. Scrubs, Lost, even the mighty West Wing – they’ve all done it.

So, you’ll have 27 or 42 minutes of amazing television, then suddenly, the whiny music will strike up, the protagonist will soliloquise (“You know what? That’s the thing about relationships…”) and the camera will track between the show’s characters, who have suddenly stopped being selfish, overwrought blubbers and are now cuddling Andrex puppies and laughing with joy.

Although Dirty Sexy Money’s ending is sadly no exception, it’s good enough for us to let it off the hook. Peter Krause plays lawyer and nice enough everyman Nick George, who we first meet on his way to his father’s funeral, an activity the Six Feet Under actor is getting rather good at.

Also in attendance are the filthy rich Darling family, his dad’s former clients, who include white-haired patriarch Tripp (Donald Sutherland) and Patrick Darling IV (William Baldwin) who’s trying not to let his fondness for sleeping with transsexual hookers get in the way of his pitch for the Senate. Despite an acute awareness of how it screwed up his father, after massive financial persuasion Nick takes the job of representing this family of maniacs. And so his troubles begin…

Imagine Brothers & Sisters with a wicked sense of humour, or a starrier Arrested Development. And for now, let’s ignore that ending.

SEE ALSO
Meet Dirty Sexy Money's characters >>
What to watch this Easter >>

House, Thursday 9pm, Channel 5

Posted by Stewart Turner

For those who have still yet to witness the spectacle of Hugh Laurie hobbling his way around a hospital and speaking in an American drawl – rather than performing skits in an Oxbridge accent while dressed in period costume – US megahit House is back for a forth series.

To fill you in, Laurie plays maverick surgeon (yes, yes – he does indeed sometimes bend the rules, but he always get results) Dr Gregory House. In between fingering his vintage Flying V guitar and gobbling down copious amounts of Vicodin, our medical hero solves those physiological mysteries that other doctors simply cannot reach.

Being a bit of a brooding type, House has a bit of a testing relationship with most of his colleagues. The end of series three saw his team members – who he relied upon bounce his genius insights off – depart in various ways.

House attempts to replace them in the new series by indulging in his own very peculiar take on the interview process – he hires 40 hopefuls and whittles them down by all manner of highly inappropriate means. It’s a bit like a medical version of The Apprentice, and very entertaining.

At times it can all seem a bit formulaic – every episode inevitably starts with an accident or incident, followed by a series of misdiagnoses, then a housebreak or two before our hero figures it all out with five minutes left to the ad break. But Laurie’s performance, and the creepy, intriguing illnesses he comes up against, see it though and make for some genuinely compelling telly.

SEE ALSO:
Laurie off the job market>>
Easter TV guide >>

Mighty Boosh vs the Honey Monster

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Knowing the high levels of surrealism Noel Fielding and Julian Barratt often deal with, The Mighty Boosh vs the Honey Monster sounds like a predictably unlikely showdown.

Why? Apparently the boys have been put right off their Sugar Puffs after the brand nicked their “crimping” style of singing for an advert. Those not familiar with Booshery will probably be wondering what the hell crimping is. It’s nigh-on impossible to explain, so it’s probably best if you just watch the vid below. Oh, and don’t press play if you don’t like rude words.

And here’s the Honey Monster’s attempt.

“They haven’t been asked permission to use the style and are speaking to lawyers about getting the Honey Monster’s crimp removed from the airwaves,” a source told The Sun.

And fans are laying into Sugar Puffs on YouTube. “I'm so bloody outraged,” wrote one. “I will not 'calm down' or 'get a life', because it's not fair. If it was anything but crimping, I wouldn't care so much, but crimping is the one thing that is totally original to the Boosh.”

It’s going to be hard to prove in court – but we can’t help thinking it’d be entertaining watching them try...

SEE ALSO
The Mighty Boosh reviewed >>
Ozzy Osbourne's Sugar Puff cravings >>

The Diets That Time Forgot, Tuesday 9pm, Channel 4

Posted by Jane Murphy
The small-screen schedules have gone food crazy at the moment - and there's something to suit every taste. While you're tucking into your TV dinner, you can watch Delia sing the praises of ready-made mash; marvel at the antics of the Freaky Eaters ("I've eaten nothing but spaghetti hoops for the past 27 years"); or sneer at misguided restaurateurs across the pond on Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares USA.

The latest programme on the menu is part diet show and part history lesson. The Diets That Time Forgot sees nine "21st-century slimmers" move into a Victorian health farm to test out the eating regimes of years gone by - under the watchful eye of historian Sir Roy Strong. Oh, and just to get them in the mood, they have to dress in historical costumes, too.

Some sample diets? There's the Fletcher Diet from the early 1900s, which states all food must be chewed 32 times, and anything not liquefied by that point has to be spat out. Imagine the fun you could have with that one in McDonald's.

There's also the 19th-century Banting Diet - a low-carb, high-protein regime that differs from Atkins in that you also drink around five glasses of sherry or claret each day.

Needless to say, the dieters are slow to embrace some of these regimes - but most of them do end up losing weight. Plus they get to wear crinolines and bonnets. What more could you want?

Picture: Channel 4

SEE ALSO:
Delia Smith's TV highs and lows >>
Blog: Supersize vs Superskinny >>
Blog: Has Jamie Oliver gone too far? >>

Dancing on Ice: The Final Skate Off, Sunday 7pm, ITV1

Posted by Jane Murphy

Those Hear'Say girls have done awfully well for themselves, haven't they? Kym Ryder's one of Coronation Street's biggest stars; 2006's I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! turned Myleene Klass into a national treasure; and now Suzanne Shaw has beaten bookies' favourite Chris Fountain to win this year's Dancing on Ice.

Yep, Super Suze pulled out all the stops for last night's final - securing maximum marks from the judges for both her routines, before performing a flawless Bolero with partner Matt Evers to clinch the viewers' vote.

And there wasn't a dry eye in the house. The judges were crying (yes, even Jason Gardiner); Holly Willoughby was crying (safe in the knowledge that nobody was looking at her tears); Suzanne's three-year-old son Corey was crying... I must admit I even got a bit emotional myself - and I haven't cried at a reality show since Chico got voted off The X Factor in 2005.

Third-placed Zaraah Abrahams and runner-up Chris were both graceful in defeat, while Suzanne gushed: "I'm delighted - thank you so much. I've loved every minute of the show." What - even the bit when you cracked your ribs, Suze?

So did the right person win? Did you cry when you watched the show? Isn't it about time the boys from Hear'Say did something spectacular on TV? Watch Ms Shaw's competition-winning skate below, and tell us what you think.
 

Picture: Rex Features

SEE ALSO:
Top 10 Dancing on Ice moments >>
Holly Willoughby's dress outrage >>
Another revealing dress >>
Dancing on Ice judges slam Cowell >>

I'd Do Anything, 7.30pm, Saturday, BBC1

Posted by Jane Murphy
People will do anything to get on TV nowadays. This weekend sees the launch of yet another prime-time talent show - in which we'll be introduced to a whole new bunch of wannabes, desperate to get their faces on TV.

But enough about the judges... BBC1's I'd Do Anything promises to turn into a weekly blub-fest for even the most hard-hearted viewer. The reason? Denise Van Outen, John Barrowman and Barry Humphries are searching for someone to play the eponymous all-singing, all-dancing Victorian orphan in Sir Andrew Lloyd-Webber's stage revival of Oliver!

And you know what that means? In the bid to find our Master Twist, we'll be shattering a different little boy's dreams every week. I can see it all now: a heartbroken nine-year-old belting out 'Where is Love?' one last time before heading back to obscurity and the outstretched arms of his pushy stage mum. I'm not sure my nerves can take it.

Still, it's not all about Oliver. The panel are also looking for someone to play "rough diamond" Nancy. Apparently, overmore than 40 hopefuls have been attending "Nancy School" in London, which conjures up some very strange images - but I'm sure all will become clear when the programme airs...

Picture: BBC

SEE ALSO:
Cowell says American Idol is "dull" >>
Louis Walsh slams Rock Rivals >>
TV's Top 10 worst prizes >>

The Passions of Girls Aloud, 10pm, Friday, ITV2

Posted by Jane Murphy
Cast your minds back to 2002's Pop Stars: The Rivals - and you may recall meeting the soon-to-be Girls Aloud girls for the first time. "We've always wanted to be pop stars," they told us. "It's all we've ever dreamed of."

But what d'you know? It turns out becoming a mega-rich, super-successful girl group isn't quite enough for most of them. Cheryl, Sarah, Kimberley and Nicola have each been harbouring individual passions, which the nice people at ITV2 are prepared to let them indulge. Yep, there's a whole new series devoted to making Girls Aloud's real dreams come true - although it seems Nadine's passions are already fulfilled because she refused to take part.

The first episode sees Cheryl attempt to cut it as a street-dancer in Los Angeles. Will the woman whose day job involves singing and dancing in front of millions of people be good enough to feature in a street-dance video? Oooh - the suspense!

I'm equally excited about the upcoming show in which Kimberley tries to fulfil her ambition of starring in a musical. Singing on stage? I'm just not sure she can handle that...

Sarcasm aside, I'm sure this series will make entertaining - if totally mindless - viewing for those of us who prefer to slump on the sofa of a Friday night. Even so, it must surely be a contender for the daftest idea for a series - ever!

Picture: ITV

SEE ALSO:
Cheryl demands a new home >>
Overexposed? Wags on TV >>

Bionic Woman, Tuesday 9pm, ITV2

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Our rating:

It’s not easy being bionic, y'know. While most of us would love the chance to beat up muggers in shady New York alleyways or fight blonde supervixens in the rain, for Jaime Sommers it’s a big inconvenience – after all, she has a bar job to hold down and an irritating oik of a little sister to look after.

But despite the annoyances of gaining incredible strength, the ability to run at 60mph and Terminator-style vision, Jamie soon slips into the role of Bionic Woman and finds herself battling evil, saving the day, putting right what once went wrong, etc.

Watching ITV2’s new US import as a patriotic Brit, it’s hard not to spend the entire 59 minutes willing Michelle Ryan – previously known on these shores as EastEnders’ Zoe Slater – to pull this part off and become the greatest UK export since we invented the wheel all those years ago.

And this first episode sees Zoe, sorry, Michelle doing a workwomanlike job – the American accent thankfully never slips and her acting is solid enough, if a tad bland. The humourless dialogue, however, is as unsparkly as a lump of coal on a moonless night while the action’s the kind of stuff we’ve all seen before in The Matrix.

It's no Heroes, then, but there’s just about enough intrigue here to keep the interest – and do persevere, because the director obviously had the equivalent of an Alex Ferguson half-time yell at the writers after episode 1, meaning the following few are a lot perkier. Almost as if they’d been given some bionic enhancements...

SEE ALSO
The soap stars making it in the US >>

Keith Lemon's Very Brilliant World Tour, Tuesday 10pm, ITV2

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Preview rating:

Speaking in the babyish Mancunian quack of a Mark Owen impersonator and rocking the kind of blonde hair and cheesy moustache usually only available to pornographic actors of the most Scandinavian variety, Keith Lemon is the latest Leigh Francis character to get a spin-off show.

Lemon is a failed businessman who embarrasses celebrities and members of the public with his outrageous comments and wacky behaviour. Sound familiar? Yes, he’s a bit like Borat and a bit like Bo Selecta!'s Avid Merrion – except not quite as good as either.

However, there should be a few laughs along the way as the 1993 Businessman of the Year embarks on a world tour, taking in Egypt, Australia, Mexico, Japan and Iceland in an attempt to "fatten his horizons". In tonight’s episode he visits America, finding himself joining the Chippendales on stage while a genuinely flabbergasted Mel B looks on, before he heads off to the Montana Testicle Festival, which will surely provide plenty of opportunities for the kind of jokes that’ll have you soiling yourself with delight – if you’re a 14-year-old boy.

Duel, Saturday 8.30pm, ITV1

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Our rating:

Now, before you get the wrong idea, I don’t make a habit of staying in at the weekend to watch gimmicky ITV games shows. But flicking around to find something to watch with my Reggae Reggae couscous on Saturday night, I came across Duel – and, to my utter frustration, could not tear my doomed eyes away.

The concept sounds fairly uninteresting – but once you get into it, it’s a winner, and far less irritating than Deal Or No Deal. Former Room 101 grouch Nick Hancock hosts, presumably having finally realised while he’s never going to be Bill Hicks, he could definitely be Chris Tarrant. He paces around, cracking wise, and contestants “duel” each other by answering Who Wants To Be A Millionaire-style multiple choice questions. It’s winner stays on and the victor of four consecutive duels pockets the grand jackpot, which increases with each round.

No one’s won four duels since the show’s January debut, meaning Saturday’s total jackpot topped £400,000. But that was before the appearance of social worker Robert, who actually seemed in with a chance, making the show as addictive as Pringles laced with morphine.

With each new question, Robert became more and more jittery, seemingly developing a new nervous mannerism with every chip he threw down. As the tension mounted, it was hard not to be similarly afflicted. And then, at last, he got there, winning himself a total of £482,500. Rob can spend his winnings on recuperating from what were probably the most stressful 45 minutes of his life. The rest of us are not so lucky.

Last Orders, Friday BBC2, 9pm

Posted by Stewart Turner

Our rating:

'Is white working class Britain becoming invisible?’ asks the tagline to the BBC’s new six-part series, White.

With corresponding Newsnight polls finding that white working-class Britons feel “marginalised, angry, and ignored”, it’s a bold piece of programming on the part of the BBC, and a healthy one. Better these things are aired and debated than simply swept under the carpet.

It all kicks off tonight with Henry Singer’s film ‘Last Orders’. It’s ostensibly a documentary about the failing Wibsey Working Men’s Club in Bradford and the people who drink there, but Singer also sees the club as a microcosm of a fast-disappearing part of British life – the white, salt-of-the-earth, traditionally Labour-voting working class.

There’s always a worry that documentaries of this nature are going to be a bit too drenched in pathos to be taken seriously. It’s easy to stick a plaintive piano soundtrack over a montage of fluttering Union Jacks, council estates and desolate mill towns. Expect a fair old bit of that, but the program, if a little over-long, becomes more and more forceful as it progresses.

A young scaffolder espousing vitriolic views on his Asian neighbours to camera makes for unsettling viewing, but ultimately his views come across as a lack of hope: a confused cry for help to the Westminster classes, rather than genuine, cold and calculated hate. It’s telling that he says he’d leave his home town at the drop of a hat if he could. Equally disquieting is a young Bradford man talking about joining the army because there’s no alternative vocation for him.

The common ground is that all these people lack a sense of community, something which the working men’s club used to be central to in white, working class communities. It’s telling that while the older generation struggles to make the working men’s club relevant and get people through the doors, their children wouldn’t be seen dead there.

This is a refreshingly thought-provoking piece of telly, unafraid to tackle important questions and fuel debate. Ultimately, there’s no doubt that something’s disappearing. It’s up to us to make our minds up whether we think that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

Rock Rivals: Louis gives his verdict

Posted by Will Parkhouse

X Factor judge Louis Walsh has weighed in with his verdict on last night’s first showing of “interactive” reality TV drama series, Rock Rivals. Before we get onto it, you might want to take the sour grapes with a whopping great truckload of salt, because Louis was actually supposed to be appearing in the programme, but ended up on the cutting room floor. Anyway, here’s some of what he said:

“They've managed to mess it up completely. There's far more drama on The X Factor in any week than there's likely to be in this whole series. I was so excited when I sat down to watch it. I expected it to be great. It could have been so funny and real but it isn't. It's just plain silly – and nothing like reality and The X Factor.

“With the real thing you have more action, more drama and a lot more talent. Rock Rivals just isn't good enough… Just like Footballers' Wives wasn't relevant to football so this isn't relevant to the music industry. Some of the acting is quite good but overall the script and the storyline are awful.

“The whole programme is packed with clichés. There is a red Ferrari in the swimming pool and they sip champagne in their dressing rooms before the show. We don't do that, we can't. We're far too professional. And our dressing rooms are much nicer than theirs! If they had made it more true to life it would have been a better drama.”

Hmmmm. So that’s Louis’s tuppence-worth – but what did you think of the show? Thoughts below please.

SEE ALSO
Rock Rivals: the lowdown >>
Louis's cameo gets ditched >>

Cutting Edge: Phone Rage, Thursday Channel 4, 9pm

Posted by Stewart Turner

Our rating:

South Africa is the new India. You heard it here first. No, we’re not talking about holiday destinations or booming economies. We’re talking call centres.

Cutting Edge: Phone Rage is well worth a watch for anyone who’s ever had a run in with one of these places – you know, a place you call to sort out a simple problem, but instead end up spending six hours listening to Vivaldi’s Four Seasons in its entirety as your will to live slowly ebbs away. Oh, that’s everyone then.

I watched with interest: after all I work for a company with call centres and I used to work in a call-centre myself. To this day, the site of a telephone headset still makes me shudder, as memories of 40 calls an hour and restricted toilet breaks come flooding back. My own personal Vietnam.

We get to meet the people at both ends of the phone line. One chap – one rather angry chap – describes the process as a “cyclical wheel of hate”, making it sound something like a lost Metallica album.

Back in South Africa, we get to meet Mandisa, a call centre recruit who’s busy undergoing a course of “accent neutralisation”. She’s also been re-Christened “Mandy” and had her senses bombarded with pictures of the Royal Family in an attempt to turn her British. But is her first caller fooled when he rings up for a moan? Course not.

Meanwhile, over at the First Direct’s UK-based call centre, it’s a right barrel of laughs. Team Leader Paddy O’Connor even dishes out chocolate treats for the first person to drop catchphrases into their calls. Oh, and there’s a ballpool on the shop floor, and sumo wrestler outfits at your disposal. The whole place looks like the set of Pat Sharpe’s Fun House. If that’s progress, I’m off to sweep a chimney.

Stephen Hawking: Master of the Universe, Monday 9pm, Channel 4

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Our rating:

No, come back! The mysteries of the origin of the universe might not be as interesting or thought-provoking as Kerry Katona’s latest chip-guzzling episode, but luckily this new Channel 4 two-parter is more than just a physics lesson, profiling Stephen Hawking himself as well as examining what the hell he’s on about.

Julian Rhind-Tutt – Mac out of Green Wing – does the voiceover, beginning by ominously informing us that Hawking hopes to “unlock the mystery that will finally make him… MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE”. Gulp.

What he means is that while Hawking’s A Brief History of Time bestseller (currently celebrating its 20th anniversary) explained a number of riddles, from black holes to superstring theory, it also predicted that within 20 years, mankind would have a Theory of Everything, that would explain, well, everything.

We don’t – but Hawking, who the film portrays as an unstoppably determined man fighting the limits imposed by his disability, isn’t going to give up soon. In the mean time, a host of psyched-up cosmologists try to explain it all to us thickies – and here the programme incorporates some unexpected and entertaining chunks of CGI, including a bending library shelf and a black hole exploding in someone’s front room.

Sadly, you won’t come out of this with any of your own ideas on how to unify Einstein’s theory of relativity with quantum mechanics (I know! Rubbish!), but your mind will certainly feel slightly larger than it normally would after an evening of Monday night TV.