Alan Carr's Celebrity Ding Dong, Friday 10pm, Channel 4

Posted by Alan Tyers

Preview rating:

This new six-part game show pits a team of five celebrities against five ordinary folks – known here as "civilians – in a series of amusingly daft, how-the-other- half-lives quizzes.

For instance: Paris Hilton's engagement ring or a tin of cheapo soup – which has more carats/carrots?

The opportunity for a joke about "Alan Carr wanting a carrot in the ring" was not passed up. But who cracked said witticism? Why, it's Duncan James what used to be in Blue.

Ladies and gentlemen: we are in the presence of greatness.

The other four celebrities were Chris Moyles, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, Jamelia and Zoe Ball. Against them were five cheerful youths from Glasgow.

"They look like they should be in Steps," sniggered Duncan.

Yeah, what sort of talentless no-mark looks like they’re in a rubbish manufactured pop band?

Anyway, there was lots of mean-but-funnyish mockery of the "civilians", which sort of made me cringe on their behalf, but then, they did ask for it. It goes without saying which of the teams is really making a t** of itself.

The show is rescued by Carr himself, who is quite funny: presented with Glasgow's Stacey-Jo, he yells across at Palmer-Tomkinson: "'Ere, Tara! She's got a hyphen! She's one of your lot!"

Coleen's Real Women, Thursday, ITV2, 10pm

Posted by Brian Charles

Our rating:

The nation's favourite girl next door (it says here) Coleen McLoughlin is on a mission: to get some of the UK's leading brands to use “real women” for ad campaigns.

Tights manufacturer Pretty Polly is the focus of the first episode. The company needs a model with killer legs and is after a girl who’s 5ft 8in tall. Can Coleen persuade them to use someone nearer the average height of a UK woman, which Col says is 5ft 4in?

A group of real women are assembled, and they’re all real good-looking specimens. So who'll be Coleen's pick? And will Pretty Polly agree?

This idea of celebrating “real women” is a noble one, although a lot of these lasses are not exactly your 6/10 Average Josephines. One of the final three is already an aspiring actress/model/whatever, although the other two are a book-keeper and a trainee lawyer.

On the evidence of this episode, Our Coleen herself is in fact not in the show all that much, leaving it to the pros to style and dress and whatnot and just doing the occasional bit to camera about how "gorgeous" everyone is.

As she says: "There's no reason why other women can't have the opportunities that I've had."

Quite so. And they might not even have to go out with a footballer to get them!

SEE ALSO
Wags on TV >>
Is Coleen the new Billie Piper? >>

Big Brother's Little Brother, Monday, E4, 7.30pm

Posted by Jane Murphy

So as the less-than-thrilling Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack draws to a close, those of us who have bothered to tune in are about to wave goodbye to the latest crop of housemates.

I can't help feeling a tad sorry for them all (relatively speaking, you understand). They probably think they're the talk of the tabloids - and dead certs for the cover of Heat - when actually, most of us wouldn't recognise any of them if they jumped up and down in front of us.

Still, the BB:CH not-so-grand finale does mark the end of an era - as Dermot O'Leary is set to present his last ever BBLB. There'll be no more overenthusiastic disco-dancing, tongue-in-cheek interviews or chaotic phone-ins with Mr O, as he's heading off to ITV to concentrate squarely on his X Factor gig.

Now, I hate to put the cat among the pigeons - but is this really a good idea? X Factor's huge - but it doesn't seem the best possible showcase for Dermot's down-to-earth talents.

And more to the point, who's going to present this summer's BBLB? Whoever it is, they've got some pretty big shoes to fill...

Picture: Wenn

SEE ALSO:
The curse of American Idol
Ladette to Lady: the line-up

Comedy Live Presents, Friday, Channel 4, 10pm

Posted by Alan Tyers

Our rating:

Russell Brand – bestselling author, hit stand-up comedian, newspaper columnist, tabloid hardy perennial, even part-time Big Brother – is hard to miss at the moment, and much of your enjoyment of this show will depend on your taste for the man.

An ambitious, one-off project, Comedy Live Presents bills itself as a "comedy variety extravaganza", which seems to mean Russ introducing a diverse range of comics from Roseanne Barr to Lee Mack.

Also on the show, sketches from the Star Stories team – who brought you the very excellent Simon Cowell: My Honesty, My Genius and the cruel but most amusing portrayal of a fat, needy Robbie Williams and a scheming Gary Barlow.

In fact, they even did a Russell Brand, shooting up drugs and trying to mount a chair while in The Priory – so that's something to talk about backstage.

Also appearing is Leigh Francis aka Bo Selecta’s Avid Merion, Fonejacker and sundry other funny types.

It should be a cracking show and, with so much on the bill, there’s no time to dwell on anything you don't like. Well worth a look.

SEE ALSO:
UK vs US sitcoms >>
Russell Brand's top shocks >>

30 Rock, Thursday 11.05pm, Five

Posted by Jane Murphy

Tonight sees a double bill of award-winning US sitcom 30 Rock - starring Tina Fey as Liz Lemon, head writer on an oddball-filled TV sketch show.

And if you haven't tuned in already, it's well worth the effort - if only to witness Alec Baldwin's hilarious performance as Jack Donaghy - Liz's pompous, deluded boss, whose full job title is Executive Vice President for East Coast Television and Microwave Oven Programming.

Watching the slick, comic turns in this all-American show has actually made me think the unthinkable: the current crop of US sitcoms could be better, and funnier, than our latest home-grown ones.

Some examples? I've grown to care about the characters in The Office: An American Workplace (weeknights on Paramount Comedy 1) just as much as I did about David Brent and co in the UK original. The wonderfully post-modern Entourage - back on ITV2 next Thursday - pushes every "zeitgeisty" button you can think of (celebrities, sex, drugs, ambition) and still manages to be funny. And the new series of Curb Your Enthusiasm (Mondays on More4) is comic genius at its best.

Could the Americans really be funnier than us? I'm desperately trying to think of a current UK sitcom that makes me proud to be British - but nothing springs to mind... Quick! Bring back Only Fools and Horses before it's too late...

Picture: Wenn

SEE ALSO:
US v UK sitcoms - who's best?

Messiah, Sunday/Monday, BBC1, 9pm

Posted by Amanda Vlietstra
Our rating:

Was anyone else slightly disappointed with the latest series of Messiah? Marc Warren’s DCI Joseph Walker, although suitably haunted and brooding, seemed pretty unconcerned that his unit was, well, useless. The death count was well into double figures before the serial killer was caught.

And some of the mistakes the police made along the way were laughable.

One victim, Isobel, was murdered in her own bed while DS Mel Palmer (Marsha Thomason) chatted with her parents downstairs.

“I feel like I should have done something,” Mel moaned to Joseph later. Well, yes, seeing as poor Isobel had been followed home that very night, and her sister murdered, it might have been sensible to keep an eye on her, eh?

Supersize vs Superskinny, Tuesday 8pm, Channel 4

Posted by Alan Tyers
Preview rating:

Faced with the apparently opposing but possibly psychologically comparable problems of extreme overeating and obsessive, faddish dieting, what’s the best advice or treatment?

Is it a) a balanced diet, meaningful counselling, some exercise, eating the right foods but allowing yourself a naughty treat every now and again?

Or is it b) getting a stick-thin diet obsessive to live with a great big guzzler and gleefully recoding each sad case's disgusted, and indeed sickened, reactions to the other's unhappy, fringe-of-sanity lifestyle?

If you’ve watched any programmes on British TV over the last 10 years, you already know the answer. Six-stone Tatiana, meet 23-stone lover of West Indian food, Sandra.

Thus Supersize vs Superskinny, an eight-part “life swap” series presided over by Dr Christian Jessen, who you may recognise from the similarly mawkish Embarrassing Illnesses.

And if that wasn't enough for you, in another part of the show Gillian McKeith is on a campaign to reduce the size of the nation's bums.

Steady on, Gill: what ever will people on TV talk out of?

SEE ALSO:
Ladette to a Lady - meet the girls >>

Ross Kemp in Afghanistan, Monday 9pm, Sky One

Posted by Amanda Vlietstra

It’s quite amusing that Ross Kemp’s most famous role, as ex-marine Grant Mitchell in EastEnders, apparently qualifies him to present every single programme about the British army – but I suppose it makes more sense than Biggins Goes To Kabul.

In this show, Ross receives some rudimentary army training before being posted off to Afghanistan to shadow some of the regiments deployed out there.

Perhaps ironically, he doesn’t play up to his “hard man” image at all – it’s clear he’s deeply moved by the experience.

Coronation Street, Friday, 7.30pm, ITV

So, Vera Duckwoth has gone to the great soap opera in the sky...

Were you shocked by the way Liz Dawn's character was killed off? Or was her 'peaceful' death (on her own, in an armchair) a disappointment? How different will Coronation Street be for you now that she's gone? Or does her 'exit' not matter at all?

Post your comments - or tributes - below.

SEE ALSO:
Vera Duckworth - her most memorable moments >>
Take the Vera Duckworth quiz >>

25 Years Of Breakfast TV

Posted by Alan Tyers

A quarter of a century ago, Selina Scott and Frank Bough emerged blinking into the early morning light to present the BBC's new Breakfast Time programme.

It was all very exciting at the time, as I remember. Live telly! In the morning! I wasn’t old enough to appreciate fully the wonderfulness of Ms Scott, but I do remember the Green Goddess vividly. Diana Moran, the GG's alter ego, was the show's occasional fitness guru, which seemed an extremely exotic calling. Her leotard remains one of TV's most memorable wardrobe aberrations; the less said about Frank's wardrobe the better.

There was a pleasingly homely sort of atmosphere about Breakfast Time which contrasted with the ITV version that emerged a month later. Michael Parkinson, David Frost, Angela Rippon, Anna Ford and co's approach on the commercial station was too heavy for that time of the morning – and ratings were appropriately disappointing.

It's safe to say that breakfast TV has not made the same mistakes since: the BBC show is now news-based until around 8.30am and then more light and feature-ish in tone – presumably on the assumption that business types are on their way to work by then. The brain can then be fully unplugged by mid-morning in time for Phil'n'Fern’s This Morning over on ITV.

If you want real politicians dodging real questions, BBC Radio 4's Today remains the gold standard, and Sky is more focused on breaking news first. But the BBC’s Breakfast is still a solid start to the day.

SEE ALSO:
25 years of breakfast TV - the stars >>
Best newsreaders >>

Leslie cash

Posted by Amanda Vlietstra

Telly actress Leslie Ash is “delighted” after winning a whopping £5m compensation for catching superbug MRSA in hospital, while being treated for a punctured lung and two cracked ribs sustained during a sex session with husband, former Premiership star Lee Chapman. She was briefly paralysed from the waist down and still walks with a stick.

The Men Behaving Badly star had been expecting around £500k – but the NHS announced it would be paying the massive £5m sum to compensate for potential loss of earnings. Not surprisingly, this decision has been met with fury by campaigners – particularly as Leslie and Lee, who own a string of bars and restaurants, are not exactly strapped for cash.

Neil Manser of National Concern for Healthcare Infections said: “I am totally shocked. The money will be coming out of the NHS where it is desperately needed to pay for things like the prevention and treatment of superbugs like MRSA.”

£5m does seem a very generous settlement – who’d have thought Leslie could realistically expect to have earned so much in just a couple of years?

Source: The Sun, Daily Mirror

Jamie Oliver: Eat to save your life, Channel 4, Wednesday, 10pm

Posted by Jane Murphy

It seems impossible to switch on the TV at the moment without being confronted by a crusading chef. Gone are the days when small-screen cooks just told us how to boil an egg or decorate a birthday cake: now they've got to change what, when and how we eat, or their job's only half done.

Tonight sees chirpy mockney Jamie Oliver attempt to persuade us to eat more fruit and veg. No surprises there - but then Mr O employs a few shock tactics with the help of controversial German anatomist Gunther von Hagens, the man responsible for those corpse-tastic Body Worlds exhibitions.

Gunther manages to put everyone off their TV snacks by using stomach-turning anatomical demonstrations to reveal the dangers of unhealthy eating. The autopsy of a 25-stone man who ate himself to death, anyone?

The result? Well, Jamie certainly gets his point across - but as far as I'm concerned, Thursday night's Jamie At Home (8pm, Channel 4) is a much tastier proposition. He's going to show us all how to make pappardelle with braised leeks - and there's not one dead body in sight. Phew!

Picture: Channel 4

SEE ALSO: Fowl play on Hugh's Chicken Run? >>

The Palace, Monday 9pm, ITV1

Posted by Amanda Vlietstra

Well, I rather enjoyed this! The first quarter of an hour was a bit slow, but by the end, I felt there was enough potential sex, scandal and scheming to make this the new Hotel Babylon, only better, and with posher accents.

That said - this has to be the least posh royal family in the world, doesn't it? Only Eleanor really passed for a posho - as for playboy prince George, all sweaty and incoherent, he was a dead ringer for Pete Doherty. King Rich was hot, hot, hot, though. This series is worth keeping an eye on, methinks...what about you? Post uour comments below.

SEE ALSO:
The Palace - the story >>

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack, Monday 9pm, E4

Posted by Alan Tyers

Radio One DJ Chris Moyles was the man on the ones and twos for tonight's show. He turned the living room into a pub, complete with bar, snug, furniture and a dartboard – and gave the gang a pub quiz.

The group split into two teams to battle Moyles's "celebrity pub quiz team", which comprised Sir Terry Wogan, Mark Owen and Ozzy Osbourne.

In fact, the voices of the "celebs" were all provided by Dead Ringers impressionist Jon Culshaw.

He called for the “dumbest" housemate to come forward. Where's Jade when you need her, eh? Oh. Emilia stepped up, saying that she was "the thickest" – her reward was a blonde wig, a corset and the chance to play barmaid.

The housemates didn't win, but there was some consolation as Moyles promised them pizza.
And John, as captain of the team that did best, got to go for a pint with Chris Moyles in the loft – and was also allowed to call his mum. Ahhh.

Also: Big Brother 8's Brian Belo (no less!) made a shock appearance – emerging from the shower; Moyles had the garden covered in fake snow; and Nathan admitted he fancies Amy.

SEE ALSO:
BB:CH - meet the housemates >>

News At Ten, ITV1, Monday, 10pm (obviously)

Posted by Alan Tyers

News At Ten returns tonight. ITV has brought Sir Trevor McDonald back, going head-to-head with the BBC with the relaunch of its flagship news programme after an absence of eight years.

As glamorous new presenter Julie Etchingham – poached from Sky News to work alongside Sir Trevor and fellow ITV mainstay Mark Austin – says: "It's an iconic programme with an extraordinary history, and a genuine place in people's affections."

Or is it?

Sir Trevor is certainly an iconic figure. But in these days of rolling news channels, internet feeds and free evening newspapers, how many people really need their information in one big chunk at the end of the day? Newsnight on BBC2 already has brilliant analysis – I can't see News At Ten taking that angle on.

Suits at ITV are gearing up for the fight, promising cutting-edge technology and all the rest as they take on the BBC. But really, News At Ten’s big strength is the gravitas that Sir Trevor brings.

However, at 68, he clearly can't go on for ever – and rumour has it he’s going to see the programme through the relaunch and then step aside.

Without him, what place does it really have in people's affections, bombastic theme tune notwithstanding?

SEE ALSO:
Britain's greatest newsreaders >>

Moving Wallpaper/Echo Beach, Thursday, 9pm, ITV

So, did you watch ITV's newest production, Moving Wallpaper and its 'sister show', Echo Beach? If so, we'd love to know what you thought of it.

Was it clever, innovative and funny? Or a shallow and shameless PR stunt by ITV, hidden behind thinly veiled self-mockery?  Did you think that those two interwined shows  worked well together or were the ties between both of them not strong enough?

Oh, and finally, Martine and Jason. Worth the fuss? Post your comments below.

More on Moving Wallpaper/Echo Beach:
Why the two titles >>
Echo Beach - who's who? >>
Moving Wallpaper - who's who? >>
Our verdict >>

Hugh's Chicken Run, Wednesday 9pm, C4

Posted by Amanda Vlietstra

I'm normally a soft touch when it comes to animals - hell, I was a vegetarian for 12 years until I finally cracked, unable to resist the lure of my mum's Christmas turkey dinners any longer - so why wasn't I more moved by the plight of the battery chickens in Hugh's Chicken Run last night? It didn't even put me off the non-organic, completely delicious home-made chicken casserole that I was chowing down on while the programme was on.

I think it's because I was expecting a lot worse - chickens pecking each other's eyes out, legs dissolved from wading through their own corrosive faeces, that sort of thing. The chickens in the show had a rather dismal life, but it wasn't that bad. At least they were well fed. Some might argue that there are worse ways of spending your life - even if it is only 39 days long before you're diced and packaged for the supermarket shelves - than stuffing your beak with food.

I love Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall and his bumbling ways, but being a bit of a posho, I don't think he always appreciates that a lot of people simply can't afford the 'simple' lifestyle he advocates - organic meat is twice the price of the normal stuff. Still, the programme did get me wondering: could I kill a chicken? And the answer is yes, I think I probably could, if I was hungry enough. Whoever said TV couldn't be educational?

SEE ALSO:
News blog: animal wrongs

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack, Wednesday 9pm, E4

Posted by Alan Tyers

Russell Brand was at the helm and a cracking show it was, too, with lots of dastardly behaviour from the foppish comic.

He took an instant dislike to Jeremy, insisting that the pasty racing driver spend the entirety of the day with socks on his hands.

Russell got a shock of his own when Jay asked him if he had slept with Kate Moss. "No," replied Russell. "I prefer the company of men. I haven't slept with anyone since I was 16."

But it was with the girls that Russell really earned his corn, flirting outrageously with Amy and telling her that she was on her way to being "the nation's sweetheart" and explaining "there's a gap since Diana died – you could be the new Queen of Hearts."

If Russell liked Amy, he was cock-a-hoop over Emilia, asking her to perform handstands in a bikini when she came to the diary room and then sending her to put Amy's nose out of joint by telling her "(Russell says) you're a user, you're dumped."

It wasn't all beer, skittles and gothic/pirate mirth though – Russell arranged for "a disgruntled cameraman" (really an actor) to burst in and freak the group out. Jade was especially pathetic, shrieking and hiding. God's sake love, he's a cameraman, not a wild elephant. The group thought John was in on the stunt, and told him; he took the hump.

Full marks to Russell for a most amusing stint. Next up: John McCririck.

Did you watch Big Brother? Post your comments below.

SEE ALSO:
BB:CH - meet the housemates
Russell Brand's most controversial moments

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack, Tuesday 9pm, E4

Posted by Alan Tyers

Today's Celebrity Hijacker was Kelly Osbourne. How about that, ladies and gentlemen? Actually, the man in the chair today was Russell Brand, but the E4 show on Tuesday night was Kelly's day, see? More news of Russell's antics later on.

But don't let that make you think it wasn't jolly exciting. For a start, there were the first nominations. Circus irritant Victor received eight, Jade and Jeremy got five each. John, incidentally, was immune from nomination as he got a pass through to the final thanks to having been Matt Lucas's puppet on the very amusing first night.

John did, however, provide one of the highlights of the series when having to explain to Kelly Osbourne why he fancies her mum, Sharon. Eew. Kelly herself displayed the class that we have come to love from the whole family, asking him: "so you want to **** my mum?"

Double eew.

So: Victor, Jade and Jeremy face the public vote, which will be on Friday's show.

Other highlights included:
* Amy admitting to Kelly that her nomination of Emilia was based on pure jealousy because she is 'fit, glamorous, slim and pretty'
* After nominations, Kelly arranged a death metal party for the gang; they won goodies by moshing.
* Jeremy admitted he fancied Emilia.

SEE ALSO:
BB:CH - meet the housemates

BB:CH – launch night

Posted by Will Parkhouse

I wasn’t expecting this. I wasn’t expecting it at all. Last night’s Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack launch night was just… brilliant.

The show's opening gambit took its cue from that old 24 episode when Jack Bauer receives instructions on killing the President through a tiny earpiece in exchange for the release of his wife and daughter.

This time, however, instead of Jack Bauer, we got a young Scottish politician called John who was wearing a stupid tartan hat to hide his earpiece and being forced to humiliate himself in front of his fellow housemates by saying ridiculous things – all in exchange for immunity from nomination.

“It will be so funny,” said Matt Lucas optimistically upon announcing the plan. But actually it was, with the laugh-out-loud-very-loudly moments coming thick and fast. “Massage his shoulders. JUST DO IT,” instructed Lucas, as 19-year-old boxer Anthony arrived. “Do it, John,” he urged gently.

Admittedly, the hilarity of the first hour turned to excruciating schadenfreude as John got more and more uncomfortable – he looked like a broken man by the time the last housemate went in – but hey, uncomfortable cringe-comedy’s better than racist bullying, right?

What did you lot make of it?

Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack, Thursday 9pm, E4

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Oh, hello again Celebrity Big Brother. We thought Channel 4 had ditched you in favour of “creative renewal”, i.e. to prevent yet another embarrassing diplomatic meltdown with global repercussions and questions in the House of Commons. But apparently not.

Actually, this should be slightly different. Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack is CBB’s gimmicky little brother, you see – the plan is to keep the famous people out of the house in favour of 12 gifted young people. What? Are they suggesting Jade Goody wasn't talented?

Now, it’s something of a BB tradition for naysayers to bombard us with comments like, “oh look, another bunch of pathetic, talentless wannabes, this show should’ve been cancelled three series ago”. We’re used to it, frankly – but could they actually have a point this time? This year’s lot may not be talentless, but that doesn't mean they won't be pathetic wannabes…

Will you be watching? Will giving the stars big microphones and letting them run the place really help keep things clean? Post your thoughts below or, if you're the shy type, vote in our poll.

Opinion Polls & Market Research

SEE ALSO
Meet the new housemates >>
Which celebs are appearing? >>
See the new BB house >>