Heston Blumenthal's Perfect Christmas, Wednesday 8pm, BBC2

Posted by Alan Tyers

Our rating:
Over the last eight weeks, self-styled culinary scientist Heston Blumenthal has aimed to perfect a series of staple British dishes. Now, in Perfect Christmas, he looks at what he calls "the most important meal of the year".

First, the guests. Heston's picked six culinary-savvy celebrities who he thinks will be great at a dinner party: John Terry, Kerry Katona, Jade Goo... oh, alright. They are Rob Brydon, Richard E Grant, Sue Perkins, Kirsty Wark, Dara O'Briain and Sir Terry Wogan.

No word on Sir Terry's fee for eating the free grub as yet.

The six lucky blighters start off with a little glass of mulled wine whose contents are hot down one side and cold on the other. Heston won't reveal how he does it, but it sounds like pure magic. He's like Willy Wonka, but without the creepy Oompa Loompa assistants.

They then move on to a splodge of cream that is poached in nitrogen and makes steam come out of your nostrils. Cool. How does he come up with this stuff? I like to imagine Heston at home of an afternoon: "Hmmm, maybe if I took the cat's soul and marinated it in the colour blue…"

The rest of the programme is packed full of so-mad-they-might-just-work ideas around a Christmas theme, including travelling to Oman to get frankincense (bitter, yet fruity, apparently) from a town on the possible route of the Three Wise Men!

A true, eccentric original – and a likeable TV persona, too.

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Fanny Hill, Friday 9pm, BBC2

Posted by Alan Tyers

Our rating:
I don't know if it's something in the way I walk, but whenever I'm asked to preview a TV show, said show always seems to be heavy on the sauce. My recent run has been The Tudors, Californication, The Really Honestly Truly Believable Secret Diary Of A Call Girl... and now, Fanny Hill.

The BBC's latest lavish costume drama is adapted from the 18th century novel of the same name, regarded by many as the first example of erotic fiction and swiftly banned. A very lovely Rebecca Night plays Fanny (I know, I know) a simple country girl who comes to London and is soon lured into working at a brothel, run by Alison Steadman’s no-nonsense madam, Mrs Brown.

The adaptation is by the always-excellent Andrew Davies (Tipping the Velvet, Take A Girl Like You) and, as is his wont, he attacks the disreputable novel with relish. In the first half hour Fanny (stop it now) has had a sex act not suitable for description on a family website performed on her by one of her fellow working girls – twice – and had to fight off a grotesque old customer to keep her “honour”. They're saving her virginity for a high-roller, you see. Nice.

Fanny promptly falls in love with a hunky young visitor to the brothel and the pair run away together. I need hardly add that they don't live happily ever after.

The series looks like good rompy fun, basically. Although there isn't a massive amount of plot and the characters can all pretty much be summed up in one word each, it's still the sort of thing the BBC does better than anyone else. So, yeah, give it a go.

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The Spice Girls On Trial, Wednesday 9pm, Five

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Our rating:
With the world and his mother currently fighting it out over whether they’re good role models or not, the timing of The Spice Girls On Trial is spot on. High five, Five.

Putting the case for and against the brassy quintet, the programme asks YOU to phone in and vote on whether you want them back or not. Sadly, the outcome carries no legally enforceable weight and a victory for the “no” camp won't lead to everlasting banishment for Victoria et al.

Anyway, to help us make our minds up, we get to see lots of archive footage and talking heads. It’s actually a pretty varied bunch of heads, including the likes of that wise old bird Germaine Greer, a Geri Halliwell lookalike, Dane “Another Level” Bowers, Peaches Geldof and, inexplicably, two teenage girls wearing camo cream and holding plastic guns.

Peaches is even more awful than you’d expect - but her yapping is bettered by the voiceover, which at one stage tells us that, back in the day, “thanks to a series of lucrative tie-ins, [the Spice Girls’] faces could be seen on literally everything”. Literally everything? Really? Even on the moon? Even on Noel Gallagher’s fingernails? Even on my cornflakes?

Still, the show does make some interesting cases both ways. Did Girl Power make binge drinkers of us all? Did the Spice Girls democratise fame? Did fame need democratising? Did 10-year-old girls really need emancipating? You decide. Unfortunately, there are so many pros and cons, if you phone in to vote every time you have an urge either way, you’ll be destitute by 10pm.

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Nigella Express, Monday 8.30pm, BBC2

Posted by Alan Tyers

Preview rating:
"Holiday hotcake with eggnog, anyone?" asks the BBC blurb on Nigella's latest. And the TV-watching men of Britain reply, "Yes, she certainly is."

The final episode of Nigella Express turns its attention to Christmas party food, with the emphasis on things that look and taste good but won't take until Easter to prepare.

And doesn't she make it all look wonderful? Not for Nigella the frantic attempts to defrost a turkey by holding it under the shower, trying to roast perfect roast potatoes while preventing children (or in-laws) from biting each other or having to deal with a husband passed out drunk in front of The Great Escape.

Anyway, it's all fantastic-looking and something of a fantasy (and I'm not just speaking from the "holiday hotcake" angle). Is life really this smashing?

Little salmon cakey things, little wrappy jobs with crab, little chocolate moussey numbers... Nigella very much playing to the gallery with the chocolate mousse, of course.

What's not to like?

If you want more Nigella, her Christmas Kitchen is repeated from Monday 17 on BBC2.

Heroes, Wednesday 9pm, BBC1

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Preview rating:
Okay, by this stage, we're all agreed that those opening two episodes were absolute corkers. But how has Heroes held up for a whole series?

Actually, pretty bloody well. There have been one or two dips, of course, but at the point when things might’ve got a bit samey (like, oh look, Claire's healed herself again), the writers cranked up the mystery and let the characters do a bit of teaming up – and then the big guns latched on, meaning Brit heroes Christopher Eccleston and Malcolm McDowell were allowed to join the fun. Hurrah.

All in all, rather than trudging to the finishing line – rather how I felt with the previous series of 24 – or spiralling into meaningless oblivion - yes Lost, we’re looking at you - it means we're flying into the double bill finale like a rocket-powered Nathan Petrelli.

Part one sets everything up nicely, with Mr Bennett and Parkman getting a surprise when they find the hero tracking system, Nathan getting a rather spiffing present from Mr Linderman, Hiro getting his sword fixed and briefly turning into a character from The Matrix, little Micah getting to do something interesting (finally!) and, right at the end, a very cool, very evil, four-letter word from Sylar.

And the second part? Haven’t seen it yet. But I reckon I’ll probably watch it...

SEE ALSO
Heroes top five moments >>
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Who Wants to Marry a US Citizen?

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Thought Jodie Marsh’s Who'll Take Her Up the Aisle? show was lacking in taste? Well get ready for the latest “oh look, the human race is going to hell” reality show.

Who Wants to Marry a US Citizen? gets a trio of foreign-born men living in the States on temporary visas to compete for the love of an American single woman, Blind Date-style. The prize is the Yank lady’s hand in marriage – with permanent residency thrown in!

The show has yet to be bought by any US networks, but with its priceless tagline - "One will win and get to stay in the country... two will probably be deported” – it’s surely just a matter of time.

"It's this generation's Dating Game, but with a twist," said Adrian Martinez of Morusa Media, the company hawking the show. "It aims to show love knows no borders."

Win-win situation, unethical exploitation of human dignity or - and this seems like the safest bet - big fat hoax? You decide…