I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! It's Biggins!

Posted by Alan Tyers

Biggins has won! The I'm A Celeb... series seven champ has been crowned.

It came down to the show's big two, as Janice went head-to-head with the much loved camper.

'J' came in a game third, but the people have spoken: and they have spoken for Biggins. He was a popular winner, bless him.

A cracking finale saw Janice being covered in worms, some giant-bug-type things called yabbies, gunk and green ants. And lots of cockroaches. The poor creatures. She got five out of five stars.

'J' and Biggins also performed manfully in their Bushtucker Trials.

Biggins ate a bunch of horrid stuff. Kangaroo balls. Seriously. And he also got five out of five.

But talking of five - or 5ive - sadly, there was no such luck for 'J'. He couldn't get all the stars out of a tank full of eels and crocodiles and spiders. I hate it when that happens.

But no matter. The day belonged to Biggins. Cheerio!

I’m A Celebrity… the final three

Posted by Helen Jennings

So here we are – the final three. Janice Dickinson, Christopher Biggins and J Brown will battle it out tonight to be crowned the king or queen of the jungle.

The Daily Star is backing Janice to win after yesterday’s trial because she was a good sport when she fell on her rump with a big bump. “She’s star of the best Bushtucker Trial this year,” says the red top, who’s guessing that Christopher will be runner-up and J will come last: “Close, but no cigar. Just like his pop career.”

The Daily Mirror runs a ‘Big Up Biggins’ campaign. In today’s interview with his old friend Barbara Windsor, she talks warmly about the pantomime dame. “We should all have a Biggins in our lives… He deserves to win,” gushes Babs.

The Sun also backs Biggins. Its TV columnist, Emma Cox, says: “I just adore the fact that he got married at Hackney Town Hall, of all places. How unshowbizzy is that?”

Biggins is the bookies’ favourite, too. But who will you be voting for?

I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! Who should win?

Posted by Will Parkhouse

We’ve seen all manner of death-defying stunts, disgusting meals and weird grimaces (mainly from Janice). But on Friday night, the winner of I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! will finally be named. Phew!

I’m vacillating between Cerys and Biggins at the moment – but who’s won you over? Vote in our poll here, or comment below. Or both, if you’re feeling adventurous.

Monarchy: The Royal Family At Work, Monday 8.30pm, BBC1

Posted by Alan Tyers

Our rating:
One of the most talked-about TV programmes of recent years finally sees the light of day.

This behind-the-scenes look at the life of the Royal Family, of course, was the programme whose promotional trailer was edited to make it look like Her Maj had stormed out of a photo shoot - when in fact she was storming in, if that's even possible.

The resulting scandal led to the resignation of BBC1 controller Peter Fincham and has been a major factor in the corporation's recent desperate self-chastisement about fakery. The nadir of this was reached when the Beeb dished out hand-wringing apologies about the naming of the Blue Peter cat. For heaven's sake.

So this new series has a fair bit to answer for and it's clear, not least from the fact that it was still being edited right up to the eleventh hour, that there is not going to be anything too controversial herein.

It seems to back up the standard view of the Royal Family: a pretty moderate bunch, with the exception of The Queen herself, a true pro who carries out her duties with genuine dedication in the face of what must be quite overwhelming boredom on occasion. The poor woman even has to meet George W Bush in this episode, and if that's not worth a massive bundle of money from the taxpayer each year, I don't know what is.

Some interesting insights but nothing staggering, then. Oh, it's an hour-and-a-half long, by the way, and there are four more parts to come. Ambivalent ain't the half of it.

I'm A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! Lynne and John out

Posted by Will Parkhouse

They're dropping like flies at a pest controllers' convention! First Lynne gets the boot, and now John. On his way out, the celebrity chef admitted that he'd found the PR guru "completely objectionable", so hopefully they won't have to take the same plane home.

Lynne's exit had major repercussions, with the group turning on Janice and Rodney for snubbing her during the goodbyes. Both resorted to the classic "I'm sorry, but that's just me, I say what I think, if you don't like it that's your problem" defence – always the last refuge of a reality TV scoundrel.

Amazingly, Janice lamely tried to twist her rudeness into something positive, explaining that, "Rather than me really telling her to go f*** herself… I bit my tongue and I walked away." What a saint!

In a tone that was firm but reasonable, Cerys laid into the pair for their lack of civility. It was interesting to see that despite her criticism, neither attacked Cerys - perhaps an indication of her popularity within the camp. Cezza also promised to fight Rodney "all the way". That's an election-winning promise if ever I heard one.

Miss Matthews also received an unexpected letter from Marc Bannerman (remember him?), offering to "greet" her when she left the jungle, if she wanted. With a fragile hope glimmering in her eyes, the Welsh songbird admitted she did indeed have feelings for Mr B. It was left to Biggins to make sure she didn't rush into things. "You might not like his willy," he cautioned sagely.

SEE ALSO
Rodney leaves the jungle >>
Latest pictures: Biggins special >>

I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! Katie's out

Posted by Helen Jennings

Katie Hopkins has been voted out of the jungle. Now there’s (not) a surprise.

Having only entered the camp on Day 4, the Apprentice finalist made for less than electric viewing on I’m A Celeb… apart from the 10 minutes she was buried in cockroaches. She has now followed Marc Bannerman to the exit.

“Camp life is harder than I thought,” Katie told Ant & Dec after getting the boot. “I think the impression when you’re watching at home is that it’s somehow easy and there is lots of stuff laid on.” No, that’s Love Island you’re thinking of there, Katie.

She added: “It’s not like that at all. It’s tough. The hunger was the hardest.”

Before saying adieu, she also had a pop at Lynne, saying: “Lynne is not my kind of woman. We are extremes in the female market place.” A lady superstore? Katie’s next business venture, perhaps.

SEE ALSO:
Marc's Love Triangle >>
I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! homepage >>

I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! Marc is out!

Posted by Alan Tyers

Here's a surprise for you - Marc has been booted out via the public vote. You might have thought that people wanted to keep him in for the possible shenanigans with Cerys.

But is seems that the public have taken a dim view of the former EastEnder's flirty ways and he has got the chop.

And he really must be an unpopular figure - he was up against The Apprentice pantomime villain Katie in a head-to-head!

Girlfriend Sarah Matravers had already said she was fed-up with Marc cosying up to Cerys - and Marc said in his exit interview that "he was in big trouble".

"I think I've embarrassed her and I've embarrassed myself," he said.

But it sounds like he might have a day or so to stew before a big showdown with his angry other half, as Sarah has already apparently flown home from Oz in a huff.

Could be a long flight home for young Marc...

Arrange Me a Marriage, Thursday 8pm, BBC2

Posted by Alan Tyers

Our rating:
She's billed as "the Asian Cilla Black", but that says more about the people who do the publicity for TV than it does about Glaswegian Aneela Rahman.

For Aneela is a matchmaker and, over the five parts of Arrange Me a Marriage, she'll take the principles that some Asian cultures have used for generations and apply them to unhappily-single British thirtysomethings.

She doesn't say "lorra, lorra laffs" or "our Graham" - not in the first episode at least - or have a Top 10 hit with 'Alfie'. And that's no bad thing. What she does do is hook her clients up with people of similar class, education, earnings and so on. Much better than all this wishy-washy love and desire stuff, I'm sure you’ll agree.

This makes for pretty good TV, and – in episode one – an enjoyable tension between the ACB and Lexi Proud, a 33-year-old director of cabin crew, who has money and lots of dates with posh men in fancy bars… but no lurve.

Aneela ruffles Lexi's feathers by telling her she is a regular country girl with ideas above her station. And hey presto, she finds Lexi – who lived on a farm as a gal – not one but two suitably countryside-loving / horsey dates. Happily, one of them turns out rather well… All good fun.

I'm A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! Rodney to leave camp?

Posted by Alan Tyers

How ironic if macho Rodney – who wouldn't have a woman as an airline pilot as she would "be putting on lipstick in the wing mirror", or running a large company because she might cry all the time – had to leave the camp due to a sore leggy-weg while all the burdz stayed in and toughed it out.

The '70s footballer hurt himself after he slipped while collecting wood yesterday and had to be taken to hospital.

Anna called for help but brave / foolish Rodders refused a stretcher, saying: "I've got people watching in England."

He was taken to hospital diagnosed with a knee ligament strain and ordered to rest. Bosses will decide today if he can go back into the camp. We'll keep you posted.

Also: Cerys showed Marc her knickers and asked if he liked them, but he got embarrassed. Anna joined John and Rodney in getting immunity from voting after she won the third Bush Battle. Janice and J did well in a motorbike riding challenge.

SEE ALSO
Latest jungle pictures >>

I’m too sexy… get me out of here!

Posted by Helen Jennings

It’s just been announced that Right Said Fred will not after all be joining in any jungle fun this year. Sob!

Richard and Fred Fairbrass have been on stand-by at a hotel in Australia waiting patiently for their turn to be called up to I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! but the producers have opted to fly them home instead.

An official statement read: “It was not a decision that was taken lightly but as soon as it was made, Right Said Fred were informed. Right Said Fred have been totally co-operative with the production at all times, and ITV regrets that it is not possible to have them on I’m A Celebrity… this year.”

This is sad news indeed. It would have been immense fun to watch the brothers flex and pose in tiny shorts, and perform their biggest (only?) hit around the camp fire. But it just wasn’t meant to be. Too sexy, obviously.

SEE ALSO
Is Marc dumped? >>
Lynne faces her fears >>

I'm A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! Janice v Lynne, round 94

Posted by Alan Tyers

Saturday night's alright for… dressing up in a suit covered with bird food and being lowered into a pit full of ostriches.

Well, we've all done it.

One of the most bizarre games yet saw Janice and Lynne paired up, with Lynne suspended on a crane, while Janice lowered her rival into the mass of feathered friends towards gatherable stars.

There will be a zero-tolerance policy on jokes about Lynne being used to getting moved around on a crane.

Needless to say, a full-blown row had kicked off within seconds, the highlight of which was Janice shrieking: "Lynne, you better stop or else I'll back you right into an ostrich's ass so fast it’s going to make your head spin." A tremendous threat and just a shame that so few of us will ever get a chance to use it in our own lives.

But, believe it or not, the pair (kind of) bonded over the trial – which saw them bring home a respectable seven stars – with Lynne declaring: "We were a team, we were a fantastic team."

Elsewhere: Rodney described the bad feeling between the Ostrich Two as "a cancer on the camp", Janice revealed she used to have Bruce Willis's number "on speed dial" and Biggins wowed camp-mates with a sexually explicit game of charades.

I'm A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! Rodney sexism row

Posted by Alan Tyers

Rodney: you plonker. The '70s throwback has got himself into further hot water with his, ahem, old-fashioned views on gender equality.

He spent some time in the tree house with PR big-shot Lynne and it all seems to have rather scrambled the Marsh brain. Rodders later explained to the gang:

"Lynne believes in equality of women and that women should be paid as much as men and that women are equal to men, and my point was what has a woman ever invented, as an example?"

Er, yeah, Rodney. Good point. With Christopher Biggins providing the voice of reason (and I never thought I'd type that) and telling Marsh to shut up, the former QPR fave found an unlikely ally in... Janice.

She agreed with Rodney that she "wouldn't fly on a plane piloted by two women", with witty Rodney adding that "they would be putting their lipstick on in the wing mirror".

As Anna Ryder Richardson pointed out: "Do you know how  many women's votes you just lost with that chat?"

Women can vote?! Whatever is the world coming to?

Also: rumours are rife that Right Said Fred are primed and ready to enter the fray. More as it happens.

I'm A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! Biggins arrives

Posted by Alan Tyers

The recognisability quotient of the contestants rose somewhat yesterday as no less a personage than Christopher Biggins entered the fray, as expected, and soon set about helping Janice Dickinson lose in yet another trial.

Biggo and Dicko were promptly shoved into that old favourite, the gunk tank, where they had to grab falling stars (how very apt) under a torrent of cockroaches, slime, filth and Bad Girls DVD box sets. Biggins conducted himself with courage under fire and won foodstuffs for the gang, who have now been amalgamated into one big happy group.

And finally, some bad news for blokes: Gemma Atkinson has told the group she is "in love". It's Biggins. Not really.

SEE ALSO
Latest pics from the jungle >>
The vote: would you eat this? >>

Children In Need, Friday, BBC1, 7pm

Posted by Alan Tyers

Last year, the public looked into their hearts and dug deep into their pockets, and the Children In Need event gave a little boost to one of the most worthy causes in Britain: Sir Terry Wogan's bank balance.

Not really. Of course, Sir Terry's fee of £9,000 for hosting the event did not come out of the charitable donations. The BBC website reports that Sir Terry "reputedly earns £800,000 a year for hosting Radio 2's breakfast show".

Anyway, this year, there is no such unsavoury row hanging over the event as Sir Terry has agreed to do it for nothing.

Anyway, the Wogan finances aside, what else is on the menu for the 28th annual fundraising marathon? Well, the event kicks off on BBC1 at 7pm and here’s a selection of the goodies on show:

The Spice Girls will perform their new single in a link-up from LA. They are donating all of the profits from ‘Headlines (Friendship Never Ends)’ to the appeal.

There will be a Doctor Who double-act as David Tennant's 10th Doctor meets Peter Davison's 5th Doctor in a special scene called ‘Time Crash’.

Child entrepreneurs will try to persuade the Dragons’ Den gang to invest in their ideas.

Haircutting tomfoolery from the, ahem, “stars” of Celebrity Scissorhands.

Musical performances from Kylie, the cast of EastEnders, BBC newsreaders, Annie Lennox and the West End cast of Dirty Dancing.

Lenny Henry in Africa. Presumably.

So dig deep, ladies and gentlemen. Tezza’s bulge-concealing trousers have to be paid for somehow…

SEE ALSO
Wogan defends "trouser bulge" >>
Doctor Who times two >>

I'm A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! Marc comforts Cerys

Posted by Alan Tyers

As this picture shows, Marc Bannerman is not the sort of guy who's only interested in a gal when times are good – if she's feeling a bit down in the dumps, Marc'll be there too, at her side, snuggling up, generally putting it about a bit. Lucky old Cerys Matthews!

And lucky old Sarah Matravers, too. "Who? Who?" I hear you ask. Only the Sarah Matravers that was on Footballers Wives: Extra Time (the show where they put the nonsense that was considered too campy, clichéd or downright ridiculous to be on even Footballers Wives).

"Who? Who?" I still hear you ask. Oh, alright, she's Marc's girlfriend, and she appeared on This Morning yesterday saying, not unreasonably, that she was going to cut up all his suits and ties if he doesn't stop giving it the Mulder and Scully with his Welsh rare bit. If Marc actually hits a home run with the former rock singer, perhaps Matravers will go for the full Bobbitt.

We await developments with something dangerously close to interest.

SEE ALSO:
Do they fancy each other? Body language explained >>
"I've had enough!" Marc threatens to quit >>

Never Mind The Buzzcocks, Thursday, 9pm, BBC2

Posted by Alan Tyers

Our rating:
In the interest of fairness, I should declare something at the start of this preview: I cannot bear the comedy of Phil Jupitus.

I really, really do not think he is funny. There. I've said it. But the fact remains that he is a team captain on knockabout pop quiz Never Mind the Buzzcocks, which is currently entering its 21st season.

On the other hand, his opposite number, Bill Bailey, is one of the funniest men around. As such, I would prefer as much of Bailey and as little of Jupitus as is possible. Sadly, this series never seems to deliver that.

In tonight's show, BB is silent for minutes at a time. Jupitus, not so much. The guests in this first edition are selected along the now-traditional lines: two musicians, Joel Pott of Athlete and the rapper, Lethal Bizzle; Jessica Hynes (née Stevenson) from Spaced is the guest comic and Kimberly Stewart is in the crumpet / cannon fodder for the host role.

I personally thought that Stewart – introduced by host Simon Amstell with: "Not only Rod Stewart's daughter, she is a friend of Paris Hilton in her own right" – had one of the best lines of the evening when she joked that the great unwashed who appear on her reality show Living With Kimberly Stewart "are not allowed to look her in the face".

At least, I think it was a joke. But she was really there just to be ridiculed by Amstell, which is fine by me. So, yeah… Music quiz, "edgy" jokes at a number of fish-in-in-a-barrel targets including Westlife, Kate Nash and George Bush, some laughs and Phil Jupitus.

A two star for me, but that's including the minus one for Jupitus.

The Mighty Boosh, Thursday 10.30pm, BBC3

Posted by Helen Jennings

Our rating:
Noel Fielding and Julian Barrett return for the third series of their surreal comedy vehicle The Mighty Boosh.

This time Vince (fashion victim, layabout) and Howard (esoteric jazz fan, rapist's eyes) work in Nabootique, an East End knick-knacks shop run by Naboo (shamanic powers, stoned).

In the first episode, called ‘Eels’, Naboo and Bollo the gorilla fly off on a magic carpet for a stag weekend with Tony the Tentacle leaving our unlikely heroes in charge. They compete to see whose latest inventions will prove most popular with customers. While nobody wants Howard’s chameleon elbow patches, Vince rakes it in with The Indie Celebrity Radar, a gadget which ascertains the exact whereabouts of “the Shoreditch elite”. Turns out the lead singer of Klaxons is in Marks & Spencer buying a jacket.

Disaster strikes when the evil cockney Hitcher pays a visit with Elsie Queen of Eels demanding protection money. Howard is forced into prostitution (long story) to raise the cash but in the end, well, that would be telling. Suffice it to say there’s a happy, song-filled encore.

Admittedly a few of the gags will be lost on anyone who doesn’t live within five miles of Old Street – London’s fashionista paradise – and new characters are thin on the ground. But the comic duo have avoided lazily resting on their award-winning laurels in the way Little Britain or Reeves & Mortimer did before them to ensure this new instalment remains the right side of genius. And yes, the Moon is back too.

I'm A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!, Tuesday night action

Posted by Alan Tyers

Male chauvinism was the order of the day on Tuesday night's show, with both John Burton Race and Rodney Marsh saying they were stunned to be "beaten by a girl" in their respective challenges.

Unreconstructed former footballer Rodders – booted off Sky's Soccer Saturday for an unsavoury joke about the Tsunami in Asia – went up against Janice Dickinson in a challenge.

They each had to grab as many stars as possible from a Land Rover – while the vehicle sank into a murky pool. Rodney managed eight, but Janice went one better with nine.

"I can't believe I lost to a girl," remarked new man Rodney.

And there was further woe for the Croc Creek gang – Rodney, John, Cerys Matthews, Marc Bannerman and Anna Ryder Richardson – when John (he's a chef. A very famous one. Alright?) and Anna took on Gemma Atkinson and new girl Katie Hopkins in the truly weird game pictured above.

The pairs had to race each other while looping and unlooping ropes to get these sort of giant spacehopper ball things across a water-filled tank. Katie, using her experience of shouting and being bossy on The Apprentice, and Gemma, using her experience of, well, spacehoppers apparently, were absolutely brilliant at it - if you can be brilliant at something that inane.

They won by a street. John leeringly conceded that they had lost to "two big girls", but again couldn't believe that he had been bested by females.

In other news, Marc Bannerman is all over Cerys like a cheap soap has-been suit, agonising to camera "I hope my girlfriend doesn’t mind". Yeah, whatever.

Janice and Lynne continue their feud; new arrival Katie spouted off lots about how she was a tough alpha female and blah blah blah.

Gemma looks scared and has hardly said anything, although she has mentioned that she is constipated. More on that as it happens.

Walford's devil in disguise

By Claudia Pattison

We thought Coronation Street’s David Platt was the only contender for the title of Soap’s Sickest Teenager – but EastEnders’ Steven Wicks is about to give him a run for his money. Not content with holding his stepdad Ian hostage and shooting poor Jane in the stomach, the twisted youngster will trash his own market stall after struggling to fit back into life on Albert Square.

Social leper Steven is given a clothes stall by his grandmother Pat Evans in a bid to help him get back on track. But after being disowned by the Beales, the temperamental teen smashes up his business – and then blames market rival Stacey Slater for the attack.

At first, his evil plan seems to have worked. Some of the locals even end up feeling sorry for him – but not for long. A soap mole told the Daily Star: “Viewers will see that Ian’s chippy has a CCTV camera that ends up capturing Steven red-handed. The only question is whether anyone will think to check the tape before it gets recorded over.” EastEnders fans can watch the drama unfold on 22 November.

For more soap gossip, click here >>

I'm A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!, Monday night action

Posted by Alan Tyers

Well, we're off to a flying start – and there is no doubt who's been the early star of the show. Step forward, former supermodel Janice Dickinson.

The full-of-herself ex-clotheshorse insisted on tackling the first Bushtucker Trial, bullying fellow contestants into letting her do the honours.

Janice went head-to-head with former-EastEnder (and don’t we seem to be using the words "former" this and "ex" that a lot with this show?) Marc Bannerman as they fought to collect the most stars from a series of tanks. They were filled with eels, fishguts and worms.

Janice reacted like, well, like a supermodel being shown a nutritious meal and was soon spluttering and choking and generally not making much of a fist of it. Marc won all three rounds with ease.

It capped an eventful day for Janice, who also became involved in a highly entertaining row with Lynne Franks over food. Lynne, in case you were wondering, works in PR. That's not really "celebrity", is it?

Anyway, Lynne's public image took something of a battering at the hands of Janice – former (again, there) lover of Mick Jagger and Sly Stallone.

Janice called Franks a "freak" and said she was going to "fry up those big old boobs" for food. "I'm going to stab her in the middle of the night and take her bed," she said. "Don’t think I'm kidding, I’ll eat her t**s."

Welcome back, I'm A Celebrity... - we've not half missed you.

SEE ALSO:

I'm a Celebrity - all you need to know

Comedy Showcase: Free Agents, Friday 10.30pm, Channel 4

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Our rating:
In an age when really mediocre sitcoms are as common as stabbings and fat kids, a Friday night testing ground for new ideas has the potential to act like a big, brilliant televisual sieve. Thanks, then, Comedy Showcase, which features a weekly series of 30-minute one-offs.

Tonight’s edition, Free Agents, brings with it some impressive comedy talents. The ever-brilliant Stephen Mangan (Green Wing’s Dr Guy) and rising star Sharon Horgan (Rob Brydon’s assistant in Annually Retentive and various other bits and pieces) play two talent agents dealing with the aftermath of a one-night stand, at the same time nursing their own personal traumas: Alex is not allowed to see his children, while Helen is recovering from the death of her husband.

Despite the potentially weighty premise, there are some good lines and the characters are messed up enough to be interesting and goofy enough to be likeable. There’s also a show-stealing performance from Anthony Head as the pair’s filthy, swaggering boss Stephen. “I know you all think I’m a sex-crazed old pervert,” he tells Alex. “But, you know, I’m more than that: I’m a pervert and a father.”

While it would be wrong to say this is the side-splitting show your entire life has been a prelude to seeing, it's half an hour well spent – and in the right hands, you can see Free Agents being chiselled into a watchable series. Thanks again, Comedy Showcase.

I'm a Celeb – the line-up?

Posted by Will Parkhouse

The tabloids have got their grubby mitts on the line-up for this year’s I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here!, which starts on Monday.

However, it’s all a bit complicated. The Sun has listed 15 celebs and the Daily Mirror has named 10. ITV, meanwhile, is insisting there will only be 10 contestants appearing.

We’re tempted to draw you a big ol’ Venn diagram, but that would probably confuse things, so let’s just keep it simple… the Mirror has the following:

Jason Brown - used to be in boyband 5ive
Anna Ryder Richardson - Changing Rooms star
Rodney Marsh - former England footballer
Katie Hopkins - Apprentice contestant
Richard Fairbrass - Right Said Fred frontman
Gemma Atkinson - former Hollyoaks actress turned glamour girl
Ingrid Tarrant - TV presenter and ex-wife of Chris
Marc Bannerman - ex-EastEnders actor
Janice Dickinson - US supermodel
Malcolm McLaren - former Sex Pistols manger

The Sun includes all of the above on its list, except for Ingrid Tarrant. In a bravura display of bet-hedging, the paper then adds in a few extras:

John Burton Race - Michelin-starred chef
Christopher Biggins - veteran actor and pantomime dame
Lynne Franks - PR consultant
Fred Fairbrass - the other one in Right Said Fred
Cerys Matthews - Welsh singer from Britpop group Catatonia
Koo Stark - Prince Andrew’s former lover

Do any of these names fill you with excitement? Or is it going to be a damp squib? Post your thoughts below.

Trinny and Susannah Undress the Nation, Wednesday 8pm, ITV1

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Our rating:
I hadn’t seen much of Trinny and Susannah before this episode of Undress the Nation. Now I feel like I’ve seen too much. This series opener – entitled 'Breasts', in case there was any confusion – features boobs galore, many of them in the Readers' Wives vein and four of them Trinny and Susannah’s.

The first part of the show features T&S barging round a shopping centre, collaring housewives then squeezing their bazookas and laughing at how rubbish their bras are. The voiceover tells us British women are embarrassed about their breasts, though the evidence seems to contradict this – they’re clearly not embarrassed enough to be afraid of baring them to two loudmouth presenters, television cameras and primetime ITV audiences.

The show then moves on to its one not-so-earth-shattering discovery – that many ladies either don’t know their bra size or are wrongly fitted – and tries to turn it into an epic crusade for mammary justice. The superior pair decide to go to a small town and persuade 1,000 women to get refitted. Hmmm, it’s hardly Jamie’s School Dinners, is it?

T&S seem remarkably adept at giving the impression they really don’t give a toss about actually helping people - and this is especially off-putting since that’s what the programme is purporting to do. Susannah in particular seems to think of every exchange in terms of how it makes her feel. The phrasing of sentences like “… and to think that you’ve helped me create that in 10 minutes…” are a complete giveaway. I think she’d have made me quite angry, if I hadn’t been so bored.

The Secret Millionaire, Wednesday 9pm, Channel 4

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Our rating:
For a multi-millionaire, Gill Fielding seems rather normal, despite spending 20 grand a month on “nick knackery”. Which is lucky, really, as the first in the new series of The Secret Millionaire sees her go undercover in the East End, where she grew up, to find some deserving sorts to give £250,000 of her own money to.

If you’re picturing a cigar-wielding fatcat in a top hat throwing £50 notes into the air while paupers scrabble around on the floor for the loot, then hard cheese. If you want to get it right, philanthropy isn’t an easy business, as Gill soon discovers.

Getting a job as a waitress in a local café, she starts by asking customers “if they get by all right”. Inevitably, this isn’t very effective. Later, she wanders round a housing estate so empty it could be the set for 28 Days Later. But after a bit of work, she gets involved in a couple of local projects which seem to be genuinely making a difference – a dance school for local kids and a charity which helps single mothers.

It’s a reality show with a guaranteed happy ending, but which takes in some interesting stuff on the way, from Gill’s confusion over food shopping (“if I buy bread I’ve got to buy butter… This is a nightmare. It’s much harder than I thought”) to one of her quarries’ eye-opening living conditions.

And that finale? Painfully moving. Emotionally manipulative, maybe, but if it doesn’t make you weep yourself dry, you might want to get the IT guy to adjust your circuitry, YOU COLD-HEARTED ROBOT.

Joe's Palace, Sunday 9pm, BBC1

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Our rating:
Since his extraordinary two-part drama Shooting the Past in 1999, the name of Stephen Poliakoff is spoken in hushed and awe-filled tones by, well, me, at least.

Being the easily-distracted type, I haven’t seen anything else by “Britain’s greatest screenwriter”™ since, so I was salivating a little at the prospect of his newie.

Although Joe’s Palace didn’t scale the heights of Polly’s masterwork, it was still like nothing else you’ll see. It followed the adventures of Joe (Danny Lee Wynter), a silent, simple housesitter/concierge tasked with looking after an extraordinarily opulent building. In the process he makes some unlikely friends, including one of the eight richest men in Britain (Michael Gambon), a young cabinet minister (Rupert Penry-Jones), said minister’s beautiful auburn-haired mistress (Kelly Reilly) and a friendly wannabe historian who works in the local deli (Rebecca Hall).

Actually, thinking back to it, Joe’s Palace seems little more than a series of vignettes with a dramatic reveal at the end. But what vignettes! And who cares when you’re getting a two-hour BBC drama that shuffles along at such a slow pace it seems reckless, but still feels more gripping and original than a sticking your hand in a brand new vice? Beguiling telly.

The Green Green Grass, Friday 8.30pm, BBC1

Posted by Alan Tyers

Preview rating:
The Only Fools And Horses spin-off returns for a third series and it’s “as you were”. The show’s creator, John Sullivan, is joined on writing duty by his son Jim for three episodes this season.

In terms of believability, character development and quality of acting from all but the two leads, it’s most reminiscent of the Extras sitcom-within-a-sitcom When The Whistle Blows. Minor characters on GGG include a thick one, a gossipy one, an old one and so on. In this first episode, Boycie's minions pay to have his portrait done, the portrait is ludicrously rubbish, Boycie must destroy the portrait but make it look like an accident. That probably makes the plot sound more multi-layered than it is.

And yet… it's got Boycie in it and, really, he is still the tops.

One of TV's great caricatures, it’s no exaggeration to say his braying delivery is the stuff of legend. John Challis is a terrific character actor, and Sue Holderness as Marlene is no slouch, either. Everything else, sadly, is C+ fare.

But will British audiences ever tire of the comedy of the nouveau riche oik rising above his station? The answer is no, and so on we go. Perhaps in a few years, Jim Sullivan will pass the baton on to a son of his own...

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Only Fools & Horses robbery