The Whistleblowers, Thursday 9pm, ITV

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Our rating:
A man stumbles through a residential street late at night, wearing nothing but dirty white underpants and a black hood. Just your average stag night, right? WRONG.

In fact, this is the opening of new four-part ITV drama The Whistleblowers, starring the funny one out of Coupling (Richard Coyle, bringing to the screen a John Simm-like vigour) and her out of that programme (Indira Varma, who does a good glamorous-but-serious).

The pair play husband and wife Ben and Alisha, both lawyers, who accidentally stumble upon governmental abuse of a terrorist suspect.

Yes, you did read that right, they’re both lawyers. But despite this early attempt to make viewers hate the couple, the scriptwriters manage to get us on side, thanks to Ben’s sudden spurt of idealism, Alisha’s eventual loyalty and their rather winning enjoyment of their predicament. There’s a nice moment, for example, when they start giggling with glee during a car chase - it’s like the Famous Five, a bit.

Okay, the speed at which Ben and Alisha turn into fully fledged freedom fighters is a wee bit silly and the terrorist suspect’s name (Agiza) is unfortunate – it’s hard not to chuckle when Ben shouts, “How about giving a geezer his freedom?” – but pace-wise it’s reminiscent of 24, and therefore nigh-on impossible not to get caught up. Except that here, refreshingly, the protagonists are fighting for human rights, rather than merrily stamping on them.

Secret Diary Of A Call Girl, Thursday, 10pm, ITV2

By Alan Tyers

Preview rating:
If you want to see Billie Piper in her bra and knickers, saying lots of rude words, panting and slurping and bouncing around energetically in every position imaginable, then this is the show for you.

Secret Diary Of A Call Girl, an ITV2 commission, is based on the internet diaries Belle De Jour, which are purportedly the memoirs of a high class prostitute notable for her erudition and enjoyment of her work. The debate is already in full swing as to whether the series glamorises prostitution; the correct answer is: dur, yes, of course it does.

The world of Ms Piper's character – meetings with ridiculously handsome young punters in swanky hotels, expensive clothes, a pimp in the form of the woman who played The Manageress – is clearly not the one of drug addiction, rape and exploitation that is the experience of many of the UK's tens of thousands of sex workers.

But it this is not a state of the nation address, police report or sociology thesis, it's a TV drama about one woman's story. And, as such, the idea of a good-looking and basically stable woman who happens to love sex and money and is prepared to sell one for the other is just about believable, I guess.

I imagine that ITV2 are hoping for a sassy, young, Facebooky audience who will swallow, as it were, the idea that Ms Piper's Belle is a sort of 21st century, Annie-Get-Your-Gun independent woman grabbing life by the balls and being fabulous and raising lots of interesting questions about personal choice and whatnot while she does it.

Really, though, this is just slick, titillating fluff so utterly transparent as to be harmless. You might as well worry that Ms Piper previously glamorised getting into phone boxes with strangers.

Too hot for telly? We name TV's 10 rudest scenes >>

Screen Wipe, Tuesday 10pm, BBC Four

Posted by Helen Jennings

Preview rating:
The telly gods finally answered my prayers last night and returned Screen Wipe to BBC4. For the first in Charlie Brooker’s new series, the TV critic and all round misanthrope took recent media scandals – the BBC apologising for editing footage of the Queen to make it look like she stormed out of a photo shoot with Annie Leibovitz, various TV phone-in competitions that have defrauded viewers – as a spring board to expose the production trickery and outright lies that go into today’s TV. Exhibit A - Big Brother’s cleverly cut diary room confessionals. 

And once he was done revealing the emperor’s lack of clothes, he took his own off, too, by admitting that footage from the last series of Screen Wipe that was supposedly shot in Los Angeles was actually mocked up in London. Naughty old Charlie.

He then actually dropped his trousers during a skit mocking the hit series Heroes and generally got stuck into the business of shouting, screaming and stomping his feet about Newsnight, Richard & Judy, The X Factor, road safety infomercials and, erm, squirrels.

Brooker’s venomous, sarcastic humour is so puerile I can’t read his Guardian column on public transport any more because I begin to weep and snort with laughter and people look at me funny. Yet he avoids coming across like Points of View-with-swear-words because of his disarming derision of himself along with the programmes he loves to hate.

He needs them as much as they don’t need him. And I need Charlie Brooker to continue to viciously bite the hand that feeds him like a grumpy dog left out in the rain.

Dancing with the Stars: Mel B shakes it

Posted by Will Parkhouse

We’re not usually big into Dancing with the Stars, seeing as it’s only on in America. But this all changes whenever the participating Brits start to do us proud. Last series it was Heather Mills, this year it looks like it’ll be former Spice Girl Mel B’s turn.

The judges were blown away by her charismatic debut performance. See it for yourself below:

We're not sure why judge Bruno Tonioli keeps calling her a "feisty kitchen", but well done Mel. Oh, and well done to the ITN reporter for fitting in as many references to Spice Girls songs as the one-and-a-half minute running time will allow.

Don’t Call Me Stupid, Tuesday 10pm, ITV

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Our rating:
Try and think of the most ridiculous celebrity pairing you can. And remember, you can’t have John McCririck and Edwina Currie. Or Janet Street-Porter and Paul Burrell. They’ve been done.

Those in charge of casting for ITV’s Don’t Call Me Stupid, now four episodes in, have obviously had superfun dreaming up mindbending duos. The idea is that each takes turns to teach the other about their specialist subject before host Alexander Armstrong, in full ultra jovial Pimms o’clock mode, puts their newfound knowledge to the test.

Tonight it’s Celebrity Big Brother star, sorry, “revered feminist” Germaine Greer taking on former Boyzone singer Shane Lynch, aka “one of the ones who wasn’t Ronan Keating”. However, instead of taking the boring old topics of pop music and feminism, Lynch gets to teach Greer the nuts and bolts of car mechanics and Greer educates Lynch about, er, flowers. See what they did there? They reinforced gender stereotypes in the name of comedy! Unless it was supposed to be ironic, in which case, it’s probably fine.

While Shane and Germaine get on really well (who’da thought it, etc etc) the whole jolly caper is marred by the fact that, unlike your Wife Swaps or I’m a Celebritys, it’s hard to believe the pair really spent much time together. As for them both, by chance, getting identical scores on their respective quizzes, get me Ofcom on the phone.

Seriously, if you want funny pairings, switch over to BBC2 and watch Gavin and Stacey instead.

Stuart: A Life Backwards, Sunday 9pm, BBC2

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Our rating:
As odd couples go, they don’t come much stranger than Alexander Masters and Stuart Shorter. The former is a bespectacled aspiring writer, the latter an unemployed and intermittently homeless sociopath.

Based on Masters’ masterful non-fiction book, this feature-length adaptation chronicles the pair’s unlikely friendship and Stuart’s “controversial and unpleasant life” (his words). This is a man who’s done a number of Very Bad Things, from post office heists to hostage taking, but as the friendship between the writer and the bum moves forwards, we get Stuart’s back story developing backwards – his own idea – so that the finale, moving through his disturbingly troubled childhood, reveals, whodunit-style, “what murdered the little boy I was”.

Tom Hardy, who you might have seen whimpering and grunting his way through Cape Wrath, brings a similar but no less impressive spectrum of Chewbacca-like noises to the table as Stuart and inhabits this tragicomic character as convincingly as endless cans of Special Brew that inhabit Stuart’s right hand. His co-star Benedict Cumberbatch has an easier job as Masters, but turns in a flawless performance that at times is just as touching and funny as Hardy’s.

It’s a lot harder than it looks to tick both the “funny” and “moving” boxes. But Stuart does so with aplomb, in the process creating an hour and a half of damn-near unmissable TV.

Watch preview clips of Stuart: A Life Backwards >>

Without a Trace, Thursday 10pm, Channel 4

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Our rating:
I’ve never seen Without a Trace before, but it’s fair to say that this new episode astounded me. It astounded me that a show so apparently uninventive has just started its FIFTH SERIES.

In case you’re a WaT newbie too, it all revolves around a missing persons unit run by the FBI (what, did the jackets give it away?). They’re led by Jack Malone, played by Anthony LaPaglia. Jack broods a lot. Maybe he’s wondering why his eyes are so small.

Anyway, tonight’s series opener, ‘Stolen’, begins when a 12-year-old boy escapes his father, who then abducts a younger child. Malone’s team – presumably they do this every week – check stuff on databases, interview people, drive to the latest crime scenes and get out of their cars in a hurry. Amazingly, none of them have personalities.

Also notable is the show’s extraordinary lack of humour. I know this is a serious drama and that abductions and missing persons aren’t supposed to be funny, but even The Bourne Ultimatum has moments of light relief. The one concession to comedy is the fact that Malone’s sidekick is called Samantha "Sam" Spade (geddit?) and I suspect even that may have been an accident.

Humour, imagination and personality: all missing, without a trace.

Millionaires’ Mission, Wednesday 9pm, Channel 4

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Our rating:
Here’s the plan. Eight British millionaires each put £15,000 in a pot (they’re worth a total of £600m, so that’s small change, basically), head off to a remote Ugandan village and try to use their entrepreneurial know-how to solve its poverty problem.

That’s Millionaires’ Mission, a new four-parter for Wednesday nights. Crass? A little bit, yes. There are a couple of moments when we’re unintentionally reminded of Dragons’ Den – but a version of the show in which those pitching for an investment aren’t desperate lunatics with another crazed money-making scheme, but poverty-stricken Ugandan villagers.

However, the programme gets away with it because the octet of cash cows are both emotionally affected by what they see - and hellbent on making a difference. The point is that they’re supposed to stay detached and use their business brains to get to the root of the problems, not just throw money at people, but during a visit to a run-down local hospital, businessman Steve Morgan falls at the first hurdle. It's one of many.

Flight of the Conchords Special, Tuesday 9.30pm, BBC4

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Preview rating:
Comedy songs: good or bad? If this is a question that troubles you, as it does me, Flight of the Conchords should shove you into the “good” camp pretty violently.

Describing themselves as “New Zealand’s fourth most popular folk parody duo”, Jemaine and Bret started their career performing a range of very silly but very funny songs, none of which seem to be linked to each other in any way (they range from surreal fables about racist dragons to ditties written from the point of view of robots), except by being very funny.

The pair have since been given their own 12-part series, which has just finished airing in the US, a (scripted) musical comedy about their attempts to break America. It’s Peep Show meets Curb Your Enthusiasm – with songs! – and starts on BBC4 next week.

Before it does, though, tonight, we get this excellent live set. It features FotC’s Barry White-style seduction song, ‘Business Time’, which includes lines like, “Next thing you know we’re in the bathroom, brushing our teeth - that’s all part of it, that’s foreplay. Then you go sort out the recycling - that’s not part of it, but it’s still very important.” There’s also some surprisingly proficient but utterly ridiculous rapping in ‘Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros’ - “Other rappers dis’ me / Say my rhymes are sissy / Wh-wh-wh-why? Why? / Be more constructive with your feedback.”

Prepare to laugh, hard.

Hell’s Kitchen, Monday 9pm, ITV

Posted by Will Parkhouse

That didn’t take long, did it? We’ve only had two weeks of Hell’s Kitchen and the public have already sorted the wheat from the chaff, the organic rocket from the mouldy lettuce, the Marco Pierre Whites from the Lee Ryans.

Which leaves us with Adele Silva and Barry McGuigan, a pairing as unlikely as you’d expect from an ITV reality show. Former boxer Barry emerged as an early favourite with the bookies, thanks to a combination of initial cack-handedness balanced by a quiet determination to improve; whereas Emmerdale actress Adele’s been backed by Marco himself – he even thinks she could hack it as a full-time chef.

Bald grafter or chirpy food artist? I can’t decide! Who are you backing?

Saxondale, Thursday 9.30pm, BBC2

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Preview rating:
Let’s just try to get through this without mentioning Alan Partridge, yeah? Whoops, too late. The second series of Steve Coogan’s latest comic creation is in full swing and Tommy Saxondale is proving to be just as entertaining as Radio Norwich’s third most popular DJ – and arguably more complex.

Where Partridge was acutely about Coogan’s delivery, Saxondale’s a dialogue thing. The script’s so full of gems - “You’re a bit of a d*** sometimes, aren’t you?” “We’re all a bit of a d***. It’s the human condition” -  you can feel them passing you by, waving at you for being a slow-witted idiot. But in a good way, if that makes any sense.

Tonight’s episode sees pest controller Tommy returning to his old school. You may remember Alan Partridge also did this in series 2 of I’m Alan Partridge. But having seen the inventiveness on display so far, I’m guessing all similarities will end there.

Scrubs, Thursday 9pm, E4

Posted by Helen Jennings

Our rating:
“If you are so stupid as to confront the Chief of Medicine over some quasi-offensive term, then you've just got to go ahead and replace the captain of your brain ship, because he's drunk at the wheel.”

This quotation is a perfect example of why I love Dr Cox. He’s the best thing about Scrubs by a country mile. Why? I’ll tell you why. He’s sarcastic and bitter. He rants and he raves. He’s incapable of emotional intimacy. He shoots hoops. He drinks heavily. Basically, he’s my kinda guy.

Although technically the US medical comedy, now in its sixth season on E4, is focused on Zach Braff’s good-natured character JD, quite frankly his big, hapless face can be annoying sometimes, as can his moralising message at the end of each episode. Conversely, Dr Cox, played by seasoned actor John C McGinley (Platoon, Point Break, Se7en), is on a one-man mission to keep his feminine side and good nature well and truly buried where they belong – while he gets on with the business of being right all the time.

When he’s not calling JD girl and pet names (Bambi, Britney, Scooby etc.), he’s coming out with tirades like this, to his nemesis Dr Kelso: “They hate you, Bob. They hate you from the bottom of your hooves to the top of your pitchfork. They hate you, dear God, they hate you good.”

Or this, to JD: “Do you at least remember what you were doing the day they were passing out common sense? Oh gosh, maybe you were running late that day ‘cause you just couldn't find the right thong for those low-rider jeans that you just love so much, or maybe you were busy bopping along to whatever boy band really makes your heart race nowadays and you just drove on by.”

If only real life afforded such opportunities to be maniacally mean to your co-workers and get away with it. But real life isn’t like Sacred Heart hospital, where daydreams get acted out in absurd vignettes. So I’ll have to stick to getting my thrills through watching Dr Cox on Scrubs instead.

Gavin and Stacey, Tuesday 10pm, BBC2

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Our rating:
It really is a cracking little show, this. It’s hard to single out the best performance – as soon as you start with the “Rob Brydon’s brilliant…” stuff, you think, “Damn, what about Alison Steadman?” And then there’s Joanna Page and Mathew Horne as the sweet and sane central couple, James Corden as the jovial calamity-magnet best mate, Ruth Jones as the cynical sidekick. We could go on.

If that wasn’t enough, last night’s show – which involved the gang heading off to a wedding fair in preparation for the big day – had some memorable guest appearances. There was Matt Lucas’s stag weekend planner (the only words in his hilariously simple Powerpoint presentation were “Prague”, “p***-up” and “t**s”) and Brendan Patricks’ magician, whose extraordinary lack of enthusiasm was a sight to behold. Perhaps best of all was William Thomas, looking eerily like Gordon Brown, as a vicar, whose “God is like sandwiches” sermon was a great parody of those priests who’ve gone one trendy analogy too far.

“The point is,” he screamed, as Gavin refused to name his favourite sandwich filling, “That the bread is the Holy Spirit, the mayonnaise slash butter is the Father and the filling is the Son. We all like different fillings, but ultimately the bread remains a constant – just like God. But forget it, you’ve ruined it. NOW SIT DOWN!”

Apparently the BBC has commissioned a second series. I should think so too.

The L Word, Friday 12am, Living

Posted by Brian Charles

Our rating:
The drama about the lives and loves of the world's most glamorous group of lesbians returns for a fourth series - and it ain't hanging around.

We pick up in the aftermath of Shane bolting from the wedding, Bette having done a runner with baby Angelica, rich English girl Helena cut off from the family fortune, Max overdoing it on the testosterone throughout his gender reassignment and Jenny enjoying some ooh la la with Claude. Shane goes completely off the rails, Kit visits an abortion clinic, there's a threesome and a much-loved former character returns to the show.

All of which means... well, if you are a fan, you don't need me to sell it to you. But if you're not, what have you got? This show's unique selling point, of course, is that it is about lesbians - and, I dare to venture, for lesbians. As the owner of a penis, I accept that I am not in the target demographic.

But aside from its USP – glamorous gay gals –there’s not a lot to The L Word. Really good TV shows like, say, The Sopranos or Buffy appeal because of the characters and relationships beyond their gimmick, be it teenage vampire slayers or mid-level Jersey mobsters. I don’t think this cuts it, and I find its slick product-placing, zeitgeist-surfing antics rather trying. One character vows to keep in touch with a lover via iCalendar, people's bands are on MySpace, people promise they'll be IMing one another, the famous hook-ups chart is now a fancy website (demonstrated by Alice on a Power Book, natch) and is updating as we speak.

Still, what do I know? I'm just a fella.

Hell's Kitchen: Brian storm

Posted by Will Parkhouse

You may have had enough of the phrase “Brian to win” this summer what with three months of Big Brother adulation, but we may have to wheel it out one last time for Brian Dowling, who’s currently putting on a hilarious performance in Hell’s Kitchen.

Former BB2 winner Brian is a newcomer to cooking, this much is true. When Marco Pierre White announced that the group would be cooking “Steak au poivre, meaning ‘peppered steak’,” the erstwhile air steward knitted his brow like he was trying to squeeze a spot on his forehead using only his facial muscles.

Elsewhere, Brian reminded us why a poll named him best-ever Big Brother housemate, crying over his faulty souffle and hilariously announcing that he has a crush on maitre d' Nick Munier: "He could just say ‘I’ve got a jar of poo in my pocket’ and you’d say: ‘Nick! Jar of poo! How romantic!’ That’s what he has the power to do."

Brian to win!

Hell's Kitchen, Wednesday 9pm, ITV1

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Our rating:
I was expecting Hell's Kitchen to be a dog's dinner without Olympic swearer Gordon Ramsay holding the culinary reins. But actually, so far, it's turned out to be a televisual feast.

The thing about new boss Marco Pierre White is that he isn't as one-dimensional as, say, The Apprentice's Sir Alan Sugar - or indeed his Hell’s Kitchen predecessor. Where Siralan will either shout at you for talking back or shout at you for not sticking up for yourself, and Ramsay will just shout at you because he likes shouting, MPW is less of a cartoon character.

"He's on our side and he just wants to help us," said a starry-eyed Abigail Clancy on last night's show. She's right – Ramsay's foul temper was just downright demoralising for the rookie chefs, designed to make them cry into their tarte Tropezienne. But the great White does genuinely seem to want this motley crew to succeed.

At the same time, he's hilariously unpredictable. First, his rousing and genuinely encouraging speech to the troops caused a number of the older women to fall in love with him ("Marco is God," gushed Anneka Rice). Then, he spent the evening in a massive sulk, calling the meal prepared by Jim Davidson "s***" merely because the comic had sprinkled a few chives on it. Maybe it's because the producers are trying to badden him up by whispering evil words into his otherwise pious ears - or maybe he's just a bit of a nutter. Either way, Gordon Ramsay can chef off.

Holly and Fearne Go Dating, Wednesday 10pm, ITV1

Posted by Helen Jennings

Our rating:
Hopeless romantics, and those who enjoy laughing at desperate single people, have been at a loss since Cilla Black retired Blind Date in 2003. But the gaping TV chasm left behind by everyone’s favourite Liverpudlian lovebird might just be filled by ITV1’s new matchmaking show, Holly and Fearne Go Dating.

The concept is, of course, simple. Our BBFs (Blonde Best Friends) Holly Willoughby and Fearne Cotton choose an unlucky singleton each week and find them two suitors, one Holly’s choice and one Fearne’s. The show culminates in a date at the Hell’s Kitchen restaurant (ITV cross-branding alert!) where the lonely heart meets both dates – while our meddling cupids wait impatiently to find out if love is in the air.

With a combined showreel that includes Celebrity Wrestling, Love Island, Eurovision Making Your Mind Up and Greased Lightnin', Holly and Fearne’s new TV vehicle doesn’t promise to be highbrow viewing. But it is an excuse to watch them coo and run around a lot like Davina McCall did on her breakthrough late 1990s show Streetmate.

In tonight’s first installment, their victim is a green-fingered woman from Bristol. Holly hits the city's arts scene while Fearne goes to The Big Green Gathering in search of “man meat”. Will it be lust at first sight? Or will both the presenters’ dates be shown the door? Either way it promises to be a lorra lorra laughs.

The Sopranos, Sunday 10pm, E4

By Alan Tyers

Our rating:
It's here. The second half of the The Sopranos’ final season comes to British TV. If you've managed to avoid spoilers about the season finale, salute and, rest assured, there'll be none in this. Not on my watch. I don't want to end up like Big Pussy, Richie Aprille, The Other Tony and so many more.

But even if you do know the manner in which this magnificent series wraps up after 86 episodes, there are still nine superb slabs of drama to enjoy between now and then.

The home stretch kicks off with Tony and Carmella spending the weekend at his sister Janice and husband Bobby's home up in the country. It's Tony's birthday and a good-natured, happy time is had by all…  for several whole minutes.

The episode's title, ‘Soprano Home Movies’, refers to Janice's birthday gift to Tony: old family videos restored onto VHS. Naturally, they bring up some buried memories and emotions that were probably best left alone. Elsewhere, a gun Tony abandoned several years previously turns up to cause problems.

Talking of weapons, Bobby gives Tony the birthday gift for the mobster who has everything: a massive automatic rifle that can fire 800 rounds per minute. Whatever happened to golf balls and socks?

But enough of that. Basically, just watch it and marvel at the quality of acting on display, especially from, especially, Edie Falco as Carmella.

I often wonder what people who create and act in the top British dramas – a BBC biggie like Silent Witness, say – make of shows like this and The Wire. Is it depressing for them?

It seems so far-fetched a comparison as to be unfair. But why? Why can't we make anything even a half as good as this?