The IT Crowd, Friday 9.30pm, Channel 4

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Our rating:
Any IT Crowd newcomers who saw last week's series opener might have been a bit bemused, and understandably so. Why? For a start, it wasn't set in the office - instead the geeky computer department trio went on a farcical trip to the theatre. Oh, also: there weren't any laughs.

Luckily tonight's episode takes things back to base, as well as bringing a decent amount of funny. This has a lot to do with a pantomime-like turn from satire king Chris Morris as company boss Denholm, who starts the episode by proclaiming, brilliantly: "When I first started Reynholm Industries I had just two things: a dream, and six million pounds. Today I have a business empire the like of which the world has never seen the like of which."

Sadly, Morris's character dies shortly afterwards. Meanwhile, Moss works out Roy's"deathdate", using a website. Roy's not too happy about this - see the clip below.

Mayhem ensues, natch. It's an odd show - as if everyone involved has been told to exaggerate everything they do until it all becomes confusingly surreal. I still can't decide whether Richard Ayoade as Moss is absolutely dire or completely brilliant - his performance is so utterly wooden, it's like he's parodying acting itself. Ah well, Friday night - perhaps it's best just to get drunk and let it wash over you like a weird dream.

Dumped, 8pm Sunday, Channel 4

Posted by Helen Jennings

Our rating:
As one Channel 4 reality show ends this weekend, another begins. But don’t worry – this one doesn’t go on for three very long months or feature Charley Uchea. It does however have similarities with Big Brother in that it involves a bunch of tantrum-prone contestants sharing unusual accommodation.

Dumped asks 11 unwitting volunteers to live on a landfill site near Croydon for three weeks. All they know before they arrive at their new home is that they are to take part in an eco-challenge – but instead of being delivered to a glacier or rainforest, they’re marooned on a stinking pile of household filth in Surrey. No, I am not making this up.

Their challenge, like The Wombles, is to survive on what everyday folk leave behind. Other than access to clean water, it’s survival of the fittest as they build their own shelter and composting toilets and sift through tonnes of rubbish from pots of paint to car parts. 

Apparently this isn’t a cruel and “hilarious” prank. No. It is in fact an attempt to bring green issues to the fore by highlighting what happens to domestic waste when it leaves our homes.

But what we’ll really be tuning in for is to watch a very un-merry band of contestants reel in horror before settling down to the business of suffering. From staunch environmentalists such as recycling fanatic Lawrence and new age advocate Jarvis to the nature-hating student Aaron and ditsy promo girl Sasha, happy families are not on the cards.

Scandal has already reached the tabloids concerning bullying in the camp during filming, with the blame for a potential Shilpa-gate scenario being pointed at semi-professional footballer Jermaine (his survival tips have to date been gleaned from watching Lost). One fight apparently got so heated that the programme makers had to wade in and calm everyone down – which all sounds like essential viewing to me. Celebrity Dumped here we come?

Why we love Corrie's Roy Cropper

Posted by Claudia Pattison

When he slipped quietly into Weatherfield in 1995, clad in his trademark anorak and clutching a nylon shopping bag, Roy Cropper seemed like an unlikely hero. But, over the years, Coronation Street fans have come to realise that the mild-mannered café proprietor is a man of many talents.

Once summed up by Mike Baldwin as “a bit of a nutter, but harmless enough”, Roy is something of a genius on the sly – maths, automotive engines and the Manchester Ship Canal are just some of his areas of expertise. He’s also got a heart of gold, comforting Liz McDonald when she was beaten up by her husband Jim and taking in various waifs and strays, including former jailbird Becky.

But it’s Roy’s tender relationship with transsexual Hayley – culminating in a marriage ceremony in the café – that touched the nation’s heart. Despite public hostility, Roy has always been not only Hayley’s lover, but also her staunchest defender.

Just this week, he sprang to her defence when she was verbally attacked by a couple of family members at her aunt’s funeral, declaring: “What right do you have to pass judgement on Hayley? She has more integrity, decency and humanity than a pair of bigoted buffoons like you two will ever come close to having." Now that’s the mark of a real hero. Roy Cropper, we salute you!

Skins, Tuesday 10pm, Channel 4

Posted by Amanda Vlietstra

Our rating:
It wasn’t THAT long ago that I was at sixth form college myself. Well, OK, it was 15 years ago, and yeah, the kids at my Devon college did spend a lot of time experimenting with booze, soft drugs and each other. But that’s where any resemblance between Skins and real life ends.

For a start, were these kids from the poshest comprehensive in the world ever, or what? The entire cast, apart from nerdy Sid, spoke with the straight-from-stage-school accent we’ve come to expect of the kids in the Harry Potter films (yes, Emma Watson, I’m talking to you.) How they had the gall to laugh at the Hugos and Abigails from the nearby private school who were only fractionally posher than they were, I don’t understand.

Self-consciously wacky Cassie was irritating beyond belief. And however cool he is, no straight 17-year old boy could pull off singing songs from an Andrew Lloyd-Webber musical without being mercilessly tormented by his peers – yes, Tony (aka Nicholas Hoult), I’m talking to you.

As for the idea of a nerd being able to get drugs on credit from a dealer he’d never met before – I really, really don’t think so. I’d heard the script for Skins was cracking, so I was pretty disappointed with the first episode. It was trying far too hard – unless this fictional sixth form college is actually located in the town of Hollyoaks, of course...

Wife Swap USA, Sunday 4.50pm, Channel 4

By Alan Tyers

Our rating:
God knows how they keep finding these people, but it sure makes for fun TV.

A new series kicks off with the Haggerty family of Florida. Mum Lisa holds down two jobs, while hubby Julice seems far too nice to be working nights as a corrections officer. He shoulders most of the cooking and caring for the three kids. They don't spend much time as a family, and Lisa's a bit of a control freak, but they're basically normal.

Not an accusation that could be levelled at their counterparts, the Stamper family from Ohio.

Dad Greg and mum Stephanie are nuts about the Middle Ages. What began as harmless dabbling in historical re-enactment has spiralled out of control. They dress in robes, wake the kids up with a harp, eat medieval food from wooden plates and avoid going out into the scary modern world as much as they can.

Factor in the home schooling for the children and the family role playing games – 'cos who needs friends, right? – and you've got genuine A-grade loopers.

Julice can scarcely believe his eyes when new "wife" Stephanie makes him dress up "like some sort of playing card". But he does perk up when she tells him that, under her medieval value system, he is "the King of her world" and is to be waited on hand and foot.

Meanwhile, Lisa is laying down the law, 21st century style to the Stampers, who don't know what's hit them.

As is of course the rule of these shows, Lessons Are Learnt and New Perspectives Are Gained, but let's leave the last word to Julice on life with the terrifying Stephanie. "I keep a smile on my face, but inside, it’s a horrible experience".

The X Factor, Saturday 7.40pm, ITV1

By Brian Charles

The X Factor is back and before an 'I Believe I Can Fly' has been warbled in anger, there is a whiff of scandal.

ITV entertainment big cheese Paul Jackson had to admit the programme had staged some scenes in Saturday's series four opener, specifically footage of the judges discussing whether to invite the "sacked" Louis Walsh back onto the show.

No huge surprise, no big deal. The dismissal and reinstatement of the Irishman had a hint of stage management about it throughout the whole affair.

It's not Panorama. The pantomime "Sharon hates Louis" and "Louis is furious with Simon" and "Simon stole Sharon's dinner money" is all part of the fun. 

It's as vital a part of the show as picking your favourite hopeful, wondering why on earth they hired Kate Thornton and laughing at borderline maniacs who genuinely think they’re the next Mariah Carey.

Not that I am in any way implying that Mariah Carey is a borderline maniac.

But now the show is actually kicking off again there is no need for any gerrymandering. The entertainment speaks, and sings, for itself.

As any fule kno, Dannii Minogue joins the panel, Brian Friedman has been bumped to creative director, Louis is back, Kate has been replaced by Dermot O'Leary, people as young as 14 can now enter and 150,000 have auditioned.

Perhaps one of them will go on to be as big a recording artist as Steve Brookstein

It starts on ITV1, Saturday, 7.40pm and is still absolutely streets ahead of its raft of pale imitations.

10 Years Younger, Thursday 8pm, Channel 4

Posted by Alan Tyers

Our rating:
I sat down to watch this while eating dinner but was soon able to give it my full attention once I had completely lost my appetite.

This happened just a few seconds in to 10 Years Younger: Summer Special when we first heard the phrase "flaps of excess skin".

Said rolls of flesh belonged to Ruth, a 34-year-old charity manager and mum of three who had recently lost nine and a half stone due to fat reduction surgery, leaving her with baggy, flappy skin where the fat used to be.

It was not a pretty sight.

Ruth had spent her life being bullied by people for her appearance and had now agreed to be bullied by Nicky Hambleton-Jones and a team of experts (plastic surgeon, hairdresser, dental surgeon) who sucked their teeth and prodded her like a cowboy builder assessing a damp loft conversion.

"It'll cost you, love," was the consensus. "We'll have to order the parts."

Basically, you know the drill. Topicality was provided by Ruth's desire to get on the beach in a bikini ('cos it's currently summer, innit? Well, sort of) and 10 weeks was the imposed timeframe. A "before" poll of 100 beachgoers put her age at an ouchy 49.

The surgeons did their lifting and tucking and then we were on to the styling, with Nicky providing suitably poisonous assessments of Ruth's wardrobe, hair, taste, bearing and more or less anything that made her who she was.

Still, the end result was pretty sensational and the "after" poll guessed her age at 33. "Now I look just like everyone else," said Ruth happily. Seven other souls pursue that noble aim throughout the series.

Ann Widdecombe Versus… Prostitution, Wednesday 10pm, ITV1

Posted by Helen Jennings

Our rating:
Unfortunately the first episode of this new series does not, as the title suggests, feature the Tory MP wrestling hookers, although some men would pay good money for that I’m sure. Instead, Widdecombe is tackling the vice trade head on by visiting some of the UK’s meanest streets to confront pimps, hookers and kerb-crawlers.

Never one to shirk a sticky situation, our Ann hits red light districts in Manchester, Southampton and Peterborough to assess how effectively the government is dealing with the problems created by the world’s oldest profession.

Reality bites when punters wind down their car windows expecting to meet a lady of the night – and are instead faced with the ex-Home Office minister asking them “Are you looking for the services of a prostitute?”.

As they speed off one after the other into the darkness, it soon becomes clear that this redoubtable politician is onto something. If the laws aren’t keeping the sex trade at bay, just send Ann out as a one-woman deterrent. If that doesn’t do the trick, nothing can…

Love thy Neighbours

Posted by Claudia Pattison

After 21 years on the BBC, Neighbours is set to switch channels next spring. Given that the sets are wooden as the acting and the plotlines frequently far-fetched, some may be wondering why on earth Five forked out a whopping £300m for the Aussie soap. But Neighbours has a unique quality – it touches a nerve with its audience. And that’s worth its weight in gold.

The trials and tribulations of Ramsay Street have been as much a staple of Britons’ TV diets as Coronation Street or EastEnders, while characters like Scott ‘n’ Charlene and Mrs Mangel have become legends in their own teatime.

The influence of the show has been massive – even affecting the way we talk, with words like “barbies”, “this avo” and “tinnies” all becoming common parlance. What’s more, the soap has been responsible for launching several Hollywood careers, including those of Alan Dale (aka Jim Robinson), pictured here, and Guy Pearce (Mike Young).

And yet, inexplicably, Neighbours is widely regarded as a poor quality soap. Frequently ignored at soap awards ceremonies, it often fails to make an appearance in magazine soap round-ups. What’s more, the BBC thinks nothing of cancelling the show in favour of frankly less interesting televisual events like Wimbledon, without a thought for its loyal fans. Fair dinkum, cobbers, surely the time has come to give Neighbours the recognition it deserves!

Kitchen Criminals, 6.30pm Monday, BBC2

Posted by Helen Jennings

Our rating:
There’s nothing like laughing at other people’s mistakes on TV – and Kitchen Criminals gives us a chance to do just that.

Sandwiched between Ready, Steady, Cook and Heston Blumenthal: In Search of…on BBC2 tonight, this brand new food programme tasks two top chefs with finding Britain’s worst cooks and turning them into kitchen angels. At the end of the series there will be a Faking It-style cook-off between the last two contestants, who will have to make a first class meal good enough to fool three leading food critics into thinking its been whipped up by a professional.

In the first show our brave teachers, Michelin star chef John Burton Race and Gordon Ramsay protégé Angela Hartnett, hold auditions for their cookery boot camp and ask applicants to bring along their signature dish. The resulting grim taste test includes "tuna bake” (a tin of tuna and a packet of powdered potato with water poured on top), “sausage and lentil bake” (cremated meat) and a Pot Noodle – yes, that’s right, just a Pot Noodle. Oh how we all chuckle.

The 20 most abysmal cooks then have a go at following John’s recipe for French toast and Angela’s instructions for king prawns with romesco crust. Can they find the oven’s on switch? Can they boil a kettle without burning the water? Can they get through the task without poisoning anybody?  Like MasterChef in reverse, it’s kitchen carnage – and only the most hopeless cases secure places on the show's culinary crash course.

It all makes for light-hearted reality TV viewing and is just the thing for making us feel better about our own limited culinary skills. Celebrity Kitchen Criminals in only a TV brainstorm away, I’m sure – but in the meantime, may the worst cook win!

Britain's Favourite Views, Sunday 8pm, ITV1

Posted by Helen Jennings

Our rating:
Now, I’m as much a fan of Trevor McDonald as the next (wo)man. What’s not to love? But his latest TV vehicle Britain's Favourite Views is so seriously magnolia one expects the Dulux dog to come leaping into shot at any moment.

Presided over by Sir Trev, four celebrities a week get to pick their own favourite view in Britain (are you with me so far?) and say why they like it. Then you, the viewer, get to vote for your own. Cue lots of misty shots of our green and pleasant land.

In the first sentimental instalment, Des Lynam chooses the Seven Sisters – the South Downs cliffs, not the gritty bit of north London - although his questionable commentary is apt enough for both: “Like a lot of ladies, they are never to be underestimated.” Um, Ok Des. So far, so Swiss Toni.

Welsh songbird Katherine Jenkins is also a coast-lover, only she opts for Three Cliffs Bay because “it gives me the feeling of being hugged”.

For Rory Bremner there’s no place like home as he wanders around Edinburgh getting misty eyed about his early gigs at the Fringe Festival.

And David Dickinson keeps it real on Blackpool’s seafront and smiles his most mahogany smile while waxing lyrical about his teenage exploits on the Pleasure Beach. “Forget the Eiffel Tower,” he blubs between mouthfuls of fish and chips, “Blackpool Tower is the greatest tower in the world!"

The message – Britain really is great – comes over loud and clear, and there’s nothing wrong with that I suppose. This is Sunday evening TV escapism after all. But how about some contemporary, modern vistas too? If Sir Trev gave me a call about being on his programme, I’d choose Waterloo Bridge, from which you can see old meeting new, architecture meeting nature and tramps meeting businessmen. But he won’t, so I suppose I’ll never get to show off.

Star Stories, Friday 9.30pm, Channel 4

Posted by Brian Charles

Our rating:
The third in the Star Stories series of celebrity spoofs is 'Syco Productions Present: Simon Cowell: My Honesty, My Genius' – and the ridiculous title is entirely in keeping with the immense ego of Simon Cowell, as portrayed by Kevin Bishop.

Like the previous stabs at Tom Cruise and Take That, this episode absolutely rattles along through its half-hour slot, and it's very funny. The few jokes that do fall flat pass so quickly that it hardly matters, and there are lots of nice little sight gags using mocked-up magazine covers detailing Simon's triumphs.

The life history of the man who has given so much to music and television is all here, from the novelty records, through Sinitta, partnership with Simon Fuller and up to his merciless and seemingly never-ending succession of talent shows today.

And what a rap sheet it is. Records by The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and the stars of WWF, taking Robson and Jerome to the top of the charts, giving TV platforms to Sharon Osbourne and Piers Morgan…

These are serious crimes, and frankly it's fish-in-a-barrel time for writers as funny as these. A whole host of supporting characters in the Cowell life story, from a foul-mouthed Emu and Rod Hull to a viciously in-fighting Ant and Dec, as well as The Spice Girls, Take That and David Jason get the treatment. The Westlife parody is particularly funny.

Alex Woodhall plays Louis Walsh (Simon: "you're not a yes man, are you Louis?" Louis: "Yes." Simon: "Good.") as a simpering Leprechaun and that, along with the too-high trousers recurring joke, is perhaps not the most original comic stab.

No matter, it's a cracking show. But what good will it do, you wonder? Could even mockery as cruel as this ever hope to dent the titanium armour of Simon's self-regard or halt the juggernaut of his “talent” franchises? Of course not, but Star Stories has great fun trying.

Heroes, Tuesday 9pm, BBC2

Posted by Amanda Vlietstra

Our rating:
It's not easy being a superhero. I'm very psychic, as I mentioned in a previous post, and I have to hide this and my other super-powers – super-attractiveness and super-intelligence, obviously - from my friends and family for fear of intimidating them. So, you know, I really empathise with the characters in Heroes...

Joking apart, it's fascinating watching the characters in this utterly brilliant show coming to terms with the fact that, apparently overnight, they've all developed these amazing - but undoubtedly freaky - super-powers. At the moment, Hiro (right) is my favourite - he really wants to use his powers for good, bless him, and he's got the cutest little face, like an excited chipmunk - but super-strong Niki intrigues me too. Has she really got a dual personality? Or does she just let "Bad Niki" take over when she's got something unpleasant to do, like beat the hell out of one of the goons chasing her over her bad debt? (Bad Niki also seems to be a bit of a slut. She's my male flatmate's favourite, I can't think why.)

And Peter? OK, I've worked out that he can channel the super-powers of whichever hero is around (I think), but is he going to turn out to be a good guy or a bad guy? Like Niki, he seems to have the potential to go either way at the moment - but to be fair, they all do. I doubt that goody two-shoes Superman or even Batman would deal with her wannabe rapist the way Claire did. Like I said, it's not easy being a superhero...

Oh, it's all so exciting! How on earth am I going to survive a whole week until the next episode? It's going to take super-patience, that's for sure.

Cook Yourself Thin, Tuesday 7 August 8.30pm, Channel 4

Posted by Helen Jennings

Our rating:
After you’ve watched Jamie Oliver talk about his bootiful garden in his show Jamie at Home on C4 tonight, stay tuned for another new food series Cook Yourself Thin.

In this provocatively-titled programme, four female foodies, or “cool cooks” as the blurb has it, take a slightly overweight woman and teach her how to make slimline versions of popular stodgy dishes, thereby helping the calorie-counter to "shift the bulge and still indulge".

Our fresh-faced Fanny Craddocks - Harry Eastwood (qualified butcher and star of the show), Gizzie Erskine (likes it spicy), Sal Henley (comfort food fan) and Sophie Michell (Ioves an Italian) - cook up low fat burgers and fun-free curries while claiming that they “regularly have their cake, eat it and still look gorgeous”. Lucky them.

In tonight’s episode we meet Annie from London. She’s – gasp – a size 16 and loves roast dinners. So the fab four whip up a healthy version, which involves cutting out the Yorkshire puddings, swapping beef for chicken and replacing the roast spuds with new potatoes i.e. making a totally different meal. After trying their recipes for six weeks, Annie has managed to eat herself down two dress sizes. It’s a miracle!

So can they really “double the taste while halving the calories”? And have they truly invented the holy grail of slimming? Or are they just four foxy chefs who wanted to get on TV? Either way, take it all with a pinch of low-sodium salt and enjoy.

Empathy, Saturday 9pm, BBC1

Posted by Amanda Vlietstra

Our rating:
Perhaps someone at the BBC's been watching Derek Acora on Most Haunted and thought, ooh, we'll have a bit of that psychic action: the broadcaster's got not one but two ghost dramas on at the moment. Gasp! It's a shame Empathy was only a one-off, though - it was several spooky leagues ahead of Medium, the lame series about an, erm, medium-slash-detective, starring a slightly-cuddlier-than-she-used-to-be Patricia Arquette.

Actually, the central theme of the two shows wasn't dissimilar, but instead of Pat helping the police with their enquiries, Empathy saw really rather tasty ex-con Jimmy Collins (represented by Stephen Moyer and his lovely cheekbones) being tormented by visions of violence and death whenever he touched someone. As you can imagine, this didn't do much for his sex life - and the police turned out not to be terribly sympathetic either when he turned up wanting to tell them about a murder he'd "witnessed".

Anyway, it all worked out quite well in the end, considering - although it was left on a cliff-hanger which suggests the BBC might be considering making a series out of this. Please do, Beeb. Now Waking The Dead is over, there's a gap in my life for corpses and cynical cops which this will fill nicely. It's not as scary as that supernatural drama thing with Bill Paterson, Sea Of Souls (ooh that gave me the shivers, that did), but still, good effort!

A fortune teller told me I was psychic once. No, really, she did....where'd everyone go?

Dance X, Saturday 6.40pm, BBC1

Posted by Helen Jennings

Our rating:
Enough enough enough enough enough! When will this reality TV dance-a-thon-and-on end? I see no light at the end of TV’s current long, dark and rather badly dressed tunnel.

Come Dancing, now that had class. It was old-school and showed skill. And Angela Rippon’s gowns were, for want of a better expression, breathtaking. Strictly Come Dancing is OK. Bruce Forsyth adds panache and we get to watch celebrities weep in training over their woeful foxtrots and freestyles. Dancing on Ice? Well, I think it’s actually treason to slag off Torvill and Dean, but their talents aside, the show is a double serving of terrible with Phillip Schofield on top.

And what has the current crop of leotard-clad programming dredged up from the bottom of the stage school barrel? Baby Ballroom – shudder – don’t even get me started. And Dance X. This Saturday on the latter, Team Arlene and Team Bruno’s highly contrived battle of the sweat-bands gets serious. The choreography-off is now four shows in and hotting up considerably, as the hopeless hopefuls are picked off one by one. Meanwhile, our host Ben Shephard summons up all of his GMTV-honed charm to brave the short hemlines, attention spans and tempers back stage. It’s hideous.

Now, I know we all wanted to be in Fame when we grew up (come on boys, admit it) but its time most of these contestants got over it and stopped bothering the limelight. And it’s also time TV bosses came up with a new way to torture us with light entertainment of a Saturday night – because this is one viewer who has seen one salsa step too many.