Dancing On Ice, Sunday 7.20pm, ITV1

Posted by Liberty Jones

      

It was the semi-finals last night and, after weeks of behaving himself, judge Jason Gardiner (think Skeletor crossed with Simon Cowell) let rip with that nasty acid tongue of his. This time the skater in the firing line was poor Gary Lucy, who bagged a score of 24.5 – his highest to date.

"You're like skating Valium to me," Jason declared. "There's no dynamism, there's no thrill in any of your presentation. You skate brilliantly, you're a good-looking boy, but [and with Jason there's always a 'but'] you're so boring." Thankfully, the females on the panel disagreed. "You're starting to excite me," Emma Bunton said, while Karen Barber insisted it was "a strong performance."

And Gary wasn't the only one who failed to impress Mr Nasty. Despite including a dazzling, one-handed death spiral in his routine, Kieron Richardson didn't earn any brownie points with Jason. "I thought your solo spot was rather ugly," the judge said, referring to this week's required element. "Your arm movements and presentation let you down." Honestly, there's just no pleasing some people!

Faring rather better were the girls. After last week's disappointing performance, Hayley Tamaddon reclaimed her spot at the top of the leaderboard with a solid routine that incorporated a tricky lift she and partner Daniel Whiston had choreographed themselves. "It was precise, it was poised and your presentation is just beautiful," judge Nicky Slater told her. Even Jason had words of praise for the Emmerdale star, describing it as "a sublime performance."

Last week's champ Danniella Westbrook, meanwhile, couldn't quite manage the dizzy heights of last week's 27.5, but she looked absolutely stunning and her performance gave Emma "tingles". Nicky was less effusive, saying the mum-of-two's skating was rather tentative compared to some of the other contestants.

Hayley was a dead cert to go straight through to next week's final and she was joined by Kieron, who wasn't the strongest skater, but had clearly won the hearts of the viewers at home. In the skate-off, both Danniella and Gary delivered strong performances, leaving the judges split right down the middle. We were rooting for Danniella, but head judge Robin Cousins decided Gary deserved a crack at the title. Harrumph.

Picture: ITV

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Boyzone: A Tribute to Stephen Gately, Sunday 8.30pm, ITV1

Posted by Jane Murphy

What better way to while away the lost TV hour before the Dancing on Ice results show than with Boyzone’s heartfelt small-screen tribute to their much-loved bandmate? It’s now five months since Stephen Gately died so suddenly, at just 33, so emotions are still raw for his friends and family - but hey, they still know how to put on a good show.

Naturally, Boyzone performed some of their biggest hits - plus two tracks from their latest album, which they were working on when Stephen died. OK, the cynics among us might point out that the show also served as a massive plug for that new album - but then again, so what? “Ste was always an optimist, always looking to the future - and now we must, too,” insisted the band’s Mikey Graham.

The show also featured guest appearances from a handful of big-name stars. Girls Aloud’s Nadine Coyle provided everyone with a timely reminder of her fabulous singing voice - and absolutely bizarre transatlantic “speaking” voice. And Westlife joined Boyzone to form “the biggest boyband ever”, as Ronan Keating so proudly pointed out. (Are you sure, Ronan? How could you have forgotten Blazin’ Squad already? I’m certain there were about 26 of them.)

The programme also included a series of tributes to Stephen, in the form of pre-recorded vox pops. “I laughed every day with him,” said Ronan. “He never wanted to be off-stage,” said Louis Walsh. “I don’t know anyone who didn’t love him,” said Bono (who, incidentally, currently seems to be carving a second career out of providing soundbites for ITV shows).

Still, the most touching moments came courtesy of Stephen’s husband Andrew Cowles and sister Michelle Carr. Michelle spoke movingly of her brother’s childhood in Dublin and subsequent rise to fame - while Andrew broke down when recalling the immediate aftermath of Stephen’s death. “That night, I got a call from Ronan and he was begging me to tell him it wasn’t true - and I couldn’t,” he sobbed. It was heartbreaking to watch.

So did you think the show was a fitting tribute to Stephen’s memory? Tell us here.

Picture: ITV

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Dom Joly and the Black Island, Friday 7.30pm, Channel 4

Posted by Jane Murphy

“You may know me best for shouting into a giant telephone,” said Trigger Happy TV’s Dom Joly at the start of this latest First Cut documentary. “But I’m also a travel writer and journalist.” Who knew? It was ostensibly under this lesser known guise that he set out to retrace the steps of his boyhood hero, Belgian comic-strip reporter Tintin.

However, the attempts at comedy were never far away in Dom Joly and the Black Island - and the presenter’s penchant for schoolboy humour, often at the expense of apparently unsuspecting members of the public, was much in evidence. Having undergone a Tintin makeover (ginger hair, blue jumper, plus-fours), he ran round the streets of Brussels in search of a dog like Tintin’s pooch Snowy and a salty old seadog like Captain Haddock. Laugh? I thought I’d never start.

However, once the meat of the documentary got underway, it made a pleasant enough small-screen diversion. Joly’s travels took him back to Blighty where he visited some of the locations featured in Tintin’s British adventure, The Black Island - and met up with top “Tintinologist” Michael Farr.

Apparently, Hergé - the Belgian cartoonist who drew the Tintin comic strips - rarely travelled outside his country, so worked mainly from pictures and photographs people had sent him. Still, as Joly discovered, his depiction of Bishop’s Stortford railway station in The Black Island was spot-on - despite the fact he’d never been there. (Imagine going through life without visiting Bishop’s Stortford. Unthinkable, isn’t it?)

Joly’s final stop was Scotland’s Isle of Barra - the eponymous “black island” - where he took great excitement in tracking down a castle featured in the story. You wouldn’t think it would be that difficult to find a castle, but it did seem to take him quite a while. “I’ve done it finally,” he yelled. “I’ve been Tintin. It feels good.” It was great to witness his enthusiasm - even if you couldn’t really share in it.

What did you think of Dom Joly and the Black Island? Tell us here.

Picture: Channel 4

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Million Pound Bike Ride: A Sport Relief Challenge, Thursday 9pm, BBC1

Posted by Liberty Jones

       

We don't know about you, but we've had it up to here with Sport Relief. Obviously, we've got nothing against charity fund-raising, but we're sick of watching mediocre programmes, featuring a load of celebrities grabbing a slice of primetime TV in exchange for a bit of physical hardship and/or making a complete fool of themselves.

Earlier this month, we had to endure the very talented Claudia Winkleman struggling to make the most of the buttock-clenchingly awful scripts on Let's Dance For Sport Relief – which, incidentally, wasn't a patch on last year's competition. Then there was Eddie Izzard huffing and puffing his way around the British Isles with his toenails hanging off (watching someone run one marathon is dull enough; 43 feels like a life sentence). We can't help thinking that most of these shows would never have been commissioned if they weren't in the name of charidee.

Last night, we settled down with a big pile of ironing to watch Sport Relief's latest offering, Million Pound Bike Ride, which saw David Walliams swap last year's goose fat for Lycra, as he and a bunch of celebrity pals attempted a non-stop cycle relay between John O'Groats and Land's End. They got off to a bad start when Miranda Hart fell off her bike almost immediately, and it wasn't very long before David followed suit.

The team also had to contend with the biting cold (temperatures fell as low as minus 15 at night) and the demanding terrain (in the first 24 hours they ascended almost 29,000 ft – the equivalent of cycling up Mount Everest). No wonder Jimmy Carr was congratulating himself on having the good sense to give the first two days a miss.

This documentary was moderately interesting – we particularly enjoyed seeing the dramatic scenery of the Scottish Highlands and Davina McCall without her makeup, but there was barely enough material for a 30-minute show, never mind a full hour. In fact, the whole format's starting to wear pretty thin now. What's David Walliams going to do next year? Tap dance his way across the Sahara naked? Come to think of it, we’d pay good money to see that…

Picture: BBC

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The Business Inspector, Wednesday 9pm, Five

Posted by Stewart Turner

If you’re pitching a new TV troubleshooting show in the vein of The Hotel Inspector or Country House Rescue, the first thing you need is a fearsome matriarchal presenter. With Hilary Devey, a gruff Lancastrian who made her millions in the haulage industry despite once living in a poky flat above a chip shop, Five has struck solid gold.

Each week brassy Hilary – a woman whose turn of phrase and straight-talking demeanour hint at a previous life sat behind a sewing machine in Weatherfield – will be dispensing some priceless nuggets of business acumen from underneath her immaculately-coiffured barnet. Oh, and showing off her implausibly big chandelier collection.

First up for the Devey treatment were a couple of florists, going under the depressing moniker of “Leaf It Out” and operating from a deserted industrial estate in Milton Keynes. Unsurprisingly, they were losing cash and over fist until our hero dropped by to boom: “I’m Hilary, and I’m your business angel.”

In this instance, being an angel consisted of popping round to one of the girls’ mum’s house to tell her to stop bankrolling the florist, and advising the hapless Donna to get some tints in her hair and take her hands out of her pockets before going to see a prospective client.

Hilary was more taken with second victim Gary as he frothed about his frankly ridiculous “table art” with all the enthusiasm of a hyperactive puppy. After waddling out in one of her trademark wraparound skirts to inspect his wares – essentially mirrorballs and footballs perched on clumsy perspex tripods – she was so taken she badgered him into renaming his company “Wow! Tables” in order to take the business world by storm. Er, thanks Hilary.

Whether Ms Devey had turned these ailing businesses around or not was a bit of a blur by the end of the programme – but one thing’s for sure, it was a hoot watching her try.

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Richard Hammond’s Invisible Worlds, Tuesday 9pm, BBC One

Posted by Stewart Turner

Clearly desperate to put to good use all that cutting-edge equipment gathering dust since Sir David Attenborough’s Planet Earth came to an end, the BBC’s costly cameras were wheeled out to capture some of the planet’s most baffling phenomena in glorious detail last night. And no, I’m not talking about Richard Hammond’s increasingly-ludicrous mid-life-crisis haircut.

The premise of Invisible Worlds is that high-speed cameras can open the door to a flabbergasting hidden world which our low-tech peepers usually miss. The series opener was all about speed, and managed to take in enough big explosions to keep the Top Gear man on side – although there wasn’t a caravan or a cheap family car in sight.

Missing, Monday 2.15pm, BBC One

Posted by Tom Murphy

Missing, a daytime drama series starring Pauline Quirke as DS Mary Jane "MJ" Croft, the head of a missing persons unit in Dover, made a brief five-day appearance last year. And it obviously tickled someone's fancy, because now it's back for an extended 10-episode run.

As you'd expect from this kind of show, the first episode gave us a mix of on-the-job investigations and personal complications, with the main case involving a missing six-year-old girl. There was a nice amount of plot squeezed into the episode, as various explanations for the apparent abduction came and went. Even when she was discovered and "rescued", there were still more secrets to be revealed.

The second story was much slighter, as a firefighter wanted help to find his grown-up son, who'd disappeared after a bit of a row at a family 'do. This thread panned out a bit more conveniently, but was still tied up nicely with a bitter-sweet conclusion.

On top of all this, the team also had to deal with their personal baggage. Under the cosh from a hardass new boss, MJ was torn between work and attending her niece's birthday party, while the pressure of impending sergeant's exams took a toll on the budding relationship between DC Jason Doyle (Felix Scott) and civilian assistant Amy Garnett (Pooja Shah).

Pauline Quirke also popped up earlier in Missing Live – a Crimewatch-y thing presented by Louise Minchin and Rav Wilding that'll be on every weekday morning over the next two weeks. The show will look at the wider issues surrounding missing persons, including appeals for help and stories of how missing people were found and reunited with their family. Apparently 11 of the missing people featured on last year's five-day version of the show were later found.

Anyway, Missing is definitely at the no-frills end of TV drama: it's more Sainsbury's Basics than the Waitrosey luxury of posh US stuff like Without a Trace. But Pauline Quirke's always a welcome sight and the stories and soapy bits were sufficiently intriguing to keep me watching. And Roy Hudd turned up at the end as MJ's estranged dad, so that's got to be worth a look. If the daytime scheduling's a bit of a problem, you can always catch up on the BBC iPlayer (if you're in the UK)

Was Missing what you were looking for from a daytime drama? Let us know.

Picture: BBC

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Dancing On Ice, Sunday 7.10pm, ITV1

Posted by Liberty Jones

                      

It was props night on Dancing On Ice, and we were delighted to see Danniella Westbrook stealing the limelight from Hayley Tamaddon, just for once. Performing with partner Matthew and an office chair, the EastEnders star delivered a fearless and thoroughly entertaining performance that put her top of the leaderboard. "This is only the second time I've had goosebumps this whole series," judge Emma Bunton declared. "I loved it."

Hayley, meanwhile, struggled to match the perfection of last week and her umbrella routine was competent, but not spectacular. "It was seamless and beautiful but there was something missing for me tonight," Emma admitted. "I didn't get that energy from you."

It seems that Hayley's popularity is also waning behind the scenes. According to tabloid reports, contestants have branded the show a "fix", pointing out that TV bosses made Hayley a stand-by skater in 2008, effectively allowing her two years to perfect her technique. Some of her rivals even claim the actress has been skating since her teens. If the claims are true, Hayley certainly has a big advantage over the other celebs, but she's such a joy to watch on the ice, we're not sure we really care.

After last week's knockout performance, it seemed there was no stopping Danny Young. Sharing the limelight with his prop of an orange bowler hat, the actor scored a very respectable 25.5 points for a cheeky, Charlie Chaplin-inspired routine. "You captured the character from the off," judge Nicky Slater told him. "You took risks with the prop, your skating's much better and the lifts are flowing."

Gary Lucy, who finished bottom of the leaderboard, narrowly avoided the skate-off, leaving Danny to battle it out with Kieron Richardson. In our opinion, Danny was definitely the better skater, but disaster struck when the bowler hat got stuck on partner Frankie's toe pick. All the judges, bar Karen Barber, decided it was grounds for sending him home. The former Corrie star was gutted – and so were we.

Picture: ITV

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Celebrity Come Dine With Me, Sunday 8pm, Channel 4

Posted by Jane Murphy

Come Dine With Me is one of the big TV success stories of recent years - thanks to that people-pleasing combination of food, feuds and Dave Lamb’s super-sarcastic commentary. And when you’ve got a winning formula like that, there shouldn’t really be any need to throw celebrities into the mix: we’re happy enough to watch real people make berks of themselves, thank you very much.

Still, after the ratings-winning showdown between Hannah Waterman and Sherrie Hewson at Christmas, producers clearly decided we were due another celebrity special. The latest line-up? Former Brookside star Claire Sweeney, erstwhile love rat Darren Day, celebrated cleaning lady Kim Woodburn and comedy legend Tom O’Connor.

The highlights? Kim got drunk at Claire’s house, then proceeded to talk about poo at the dinner table. A sample quote: “My whole life has been faeces, faeces, faeces, dear.” Then when it was his turn to cook, Darren accidentally put little bits of plastic in his soup. (I’m not quite sure how that happened - but maybe they were planted there by one of his many embittered ex-lovers.)

And despite being a whiz with a feather duster, house-proud Kim turned out to be absolutely rubbish at cooking - and served up a so-so meal that had largely required her to open various tins and packets. “I could buy fresh - but why would I bother, dear?” she trilled.

The host with the most turned out to be good old Tom, who rustled up a tasty scouse - which, as Darren was particularly relieved to discover, turned out to be a kind of lamb stew, rather than one of his Liverpool neighbours. Tom also told lots of rubbish jokes and wore a funny wig: frankly, how could anyone be expected to compete with a sterling effort like that?

So what did you think of the celebrities’ cooking prowess? And do you prefer these hour-long star specials to run-of-the-mill Come Dine With Me episodes? Tell us here.

Picture: Channel 4

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White Boy, Black Nanny, Friday 7.30pm, Channel 4

Posted by Tom Murphy

This brief and surprisingly lightweight documentary followed first-time filmmaker Mark Rossiter as he returned to South Africa armed with just a photo (above) and a first name to look for Susan - the black nanny who helped to raise him 25 years ago before his family left the country for the UK.

Not surprisingly, his initial tactic of showing the photo to random people in the street didn't get him very far. However, when he published the picture in a newspaper, he was invited on to a local radio show - and shortly afterwards he received a phone call from someone called Desmond, who claimed to be Susan's brother.

We then saw him face a few false starts and a bit of tension, as Desmond changed the place and time of their meeting. With his black South African sound man worried that Desmond was drawing them into dangerous territory, Mark and his crew eventually met him, and a younger man – Lucky – who said he was Susan's youngest son.

After a cautions and inconclusive initial exchange, Mark realised he was on the right track when he met John – another of Susan's sons, with whom he'd played as a child and who was the other little boy on his photograph. However, it wasn't all good news. Susan's family revealed she was suffering from mental health problems and had been diagnosed with schizophrenia.

It was a clumsy and intrusive moment when Mark and his crew bundled into the tiny house to meet the clearly unwell Susan. While she was incapable of conversation, Mark thanked her for the care she'd given him as a child. It was subsequently discovered that she'd had a stroke, rather than mental illness: with help from Mark and his family, she's now receiving care and making progress.

The issue of how South Africa has changed over the past 25 years is too big to be squeezed into a half-hour film, although it did seem that everyday life hasn't improved that much for the average South African; the white estate where Mark grew up is now bristling with security measures and paranoia, while the black townships remain poverty-stricken. 

Mark Rossiter was presumably motivated by the best of intentions, but the film didn't tell us much about his relationship with his nanny – and, by extension, the past and current relationships between the country's racial groups. While the reunion was clearly emotional for him, there wasn't much in the film for the rest of us.

Were you moved by Mark's return to South Africa? Let us know.

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