Dennis without the Menace

by Alan Tyers

Oo-er! The PC brigade are going to get slippered: the BBC’s cartoon version of Dennis The Menace is to be “re-imagined” into a less naughty, less violent product.

According to The Sun, Dennis will no longer be picking on Walter the Softy, using his catapult to wreak destruction, or feeling his dad’s slipper on his behind as a result of his mischievous behaviour.

Even his canine co-conspirator will feel the dread hand of political correctness on his furry shoulder: Gnasher will no longer be allowed to bite people.

Instead, new Dennis will make ingenious contraptions that backfire spectacularly. Comedy will apparently ensue. It all sounds pretty lame. Surely the whole point of the cartoon is that Dennis is a tearaway?

The Sun quotes “an insider”: “Dennis can’t be seen to use weapons and giving other kids grief in a BBC cartoon. The BBC doesn’t want to be accused of encouraging children to be violent.”

Sadly – for the handwringers at the BBC, anyway – kids are violent, take pleasure in other’s misfortunes and enjoy picking on the weak. Much as adults do: that’s entertainment. Without a victim, there can be no comedy, or drama.

Who are these weirdos who want kids to see this fluffy-bunny, safe world where nobody ever gets their feelings hurt or gets a few bumps and bruises? They should be made to watch new, sanitised Dennis in a room for hours and hours on end, until they go mad and attack someone with a catapult.

Kiss off

by Greg McDonald

Having once spent two hours waiting for a train at Warrington station, I’m not quite sure anything about the place could possibly excite urgent passions, but it’s nice to see that they’ve banned kissing there.

 A Virgin trains wonk says it is something to do with not creating congestion as people say goodbye to their loved ones, or some such nonsense.

This is a missed opportunity: Mr Branson and his minions should take the credit where it’s due for striking a blow for the British way of life. We are not a demonstrative people and we shouldn’t be slobbering over each other in public.

Public displays of affection, especially on public transport, are beastly and should be outlawed.

No journey on the London Underground is complete without having to watch a pair of Italian teenagers chewing each other’s faces off on the escalator.

They are but foreigners, though, and we should make allowances.

Warrington, however, is not a noted tourist destination, so we can only assume that the people ruining it for everyone else at the station are locals. They should be ashamed of themselves. Kissing in public should be banned.

Doner = Immobile

By Alan Tyers

You gotta love a publicly funded organisation. A brilliant piece of research has emerged from the Local Authority Coordinators of Regulatory Services. They have discovered that… doner kebabs are unhealthy.
Those crazy kids at the Local Authority Coordinators of Regulatory Services! Some of the finest minds in Britain.

Anyway, “officers” from 76 councils sampled no fewer than 494 Phil Babbs, the greedy pigs, and found that the average doner contains 1,000 calories.

They also – and you may find this hard to believe – contained like a ton of salt and saturated fat.

The kebabs, not the health inspectors.

What does this elaborate, not to say exhaustive, research project prove? Well, one thing for sure: if you want something done right, don’t get local government to do it. The bungling health police checked the calories in kebabs WITHOUT salad and sauce.

And, as everyone knows, salad is extremely dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. Seriously: who gets a kebab without salad and sauce? Probably someone who has got another 493 to get through, I guess. But come on. If you’re going to do stupid research, at least do it right.

Can there be a person in Britain who thinks that doner kebabs are not bad for them? They should have saved the survey money and got some chips as well.

Going… Going… Gone

By Alan Tyers

An American student is auctioning off her virginity – and the high bid currently stands at £2.5m.

I was going to say that it’s ungentlemanly to speculate, but I figure that the lady herself has kind of assured all bets are off on the dignity front. So let me not be the first to say: two and a half million quid? Really? For that?

She’d better know some pretty awesome skil… oh. She’s a virgin. What a strange Unique Selling Point, as I believe the marketers call it. “Man With Van For Hire – You’ll Be My First Ever Job.” It could catch on.

But if that’s the market rate for deflowering, good luck to her, I guess. Not to, erm, delve too deeply, but is the buyer definitely sure he is getting what he’s paid for?

Natalie Dylan, 22, is using the money to fund her Master’s degree in something called “Family and Marriage Therapy”. And talking of happy families, Natalie’s older sister, Avia, also flogged herself, spending three weeks as a prostitute to pay for her education.

Whatever happened to working in a pub?

Is Natalie, who already has a degree in Women’s Studies, striking a blow for a woman’s right to do whatever she wants with her body? Is it morally repugnant? What’s up with the virginity angle? Is she a madhead?

For just four million dollars, I guess you – yes, you sir! – could ask her yourself.

Sergeant's mess

by an outraged Greg McDonald of Tunbridge Wells

It’s been a crazy year. World markets tumbling, banks collapsing, and some black kid from Indonesia elected US President. But nothing – nothing! – has shocked like John “white flag” Sergeant’s retreat from the Battle of Strictly.

What do you mean, get some perspective?! Here’s Strictly Come Dancing favourite Tom Chambers to put Sarge-gate in its proper historical context: “It’s who you want to stand for the country – like running for the White House,” intoned the wax-chested nancy in turquoise sequins.

But mock as we may, who else besides John and Barack could unite the public, The Times, Conservative Central Office and Peter Mandelson? Indeed, the President-elect may have delivered some fancy speeches, but show me the joy he ever brought to a nation of drooling dads as a Russian blonde young enough to be his daughter did the splits around his two left feet. And Obama dares talk of “the audacity of hope”!

Yet now – as the very hour of his destiny approaches – Sergeant Spineless sounds the surrender! Is it the end of democracy? Should we cancel Christmas?

Amazingly, some out-of-touch commentators have asked whether it isn't ironic that John Sergeant, having entered his career to put pressing political issues at the forefront of news coverage, monopolises headlines as a spangled celebrity numpty who can’t do the rhumba. I ask you - what planet are these people living on? What do they do on Saturday evenings? Go dancing?

Go go gadget Teasmade!

By Greg McDonald

A new consumer poll has named mobile phones our favourite gadgets – but while foot spas have walked away with the title of most useless gadget, surely they simply can’t cut it alongside these laser-guided office scissors.

Of course, after a tiring day of laser guided cutting at the office, most of us have no time for new gadgets – we just want to turn on the Virtual Guard Dog, change the baby’s toupee, curl up in our Wearable Sleeping Bags and put on our Pillowigs for the night.

When it comes to needless technological innovation, we in the West used to think we had nothing on the Japanese, whose inspired creations include the Musical Toilet. But this Christmas we no longer need feel left behind, now we can enjoy this singing festive toilet paper.

Among the several drawers of gadgets (and chargers, and leads, and manuals) we love to accumulate, I’m voting sat nav my most useful toy – but what do you think? Has your mobile changed your life? And what’s the most useless invention you’ve been bought?

For those of you who remember the days when it was possible to have a cup of tea without eBaying a replacement rechargeable battery for the voice-operated remote control for the electronic Teasmade, maybe all the hours we work and money we spend on new gadgets seems like madness. But then again, maybe you’re just one retro mobile phone handset attachment away from fulfillment.

Grape case rightly crushed

Posted by Greg McDonald

Martin Sklan’s legal case against Marks & Spencer, claiming he suffered depression after slipping on a grape in one of their stores, has been thrown out of the High Court  What is our legal system coming to when judges fail to crack down on the terrible dangers posed to us all by fruit mismanagement?

I jest of course. But there's a serious issue here about the sort of society we want to live in. The import of US style “blame and sue” culture encourages the relinquishing of individual responsibility, creating a country in which the buck never stops until it reaches the taxpayer's wallet.

Fifty years ago, a man bringing a legal action after he stood on a grape would rightly have been laughed out of court. But then in the 1950s kids didn't spend the Easter holidays watching “no win, no fee” commercials during daytime TV ad breaks.

Unscrupulous solicitors are getting rich on absurd payouts made by us, the taxpayer, and it is the responsibility of our courts to protect us from them.

Gambling with lives

Posted by Greg McDonald

Graham Calvert, who is suing bookmaker William Hill for the £2m he lost to them, may or may not have a case – but in the end it’s all of us who foot the bill for bookmakers’ profits.

Gambling has been a curse on communities since time immemorial, and it’s doubly tragic that the breakdown of community in our society both intensifies and buries the problem.

Somewhere along the line we have to tell bookmakers that we value our society, and we didn’t work our hearts out, pay our taxes and build the damn thing only for them to send us to the dogs.

For starters, a ruling that William Hill’s £2m “earnings” must be paid to a gambling addiction charity such as GamCare would be a good bet.

Blue Monday

Posted by Greg McDonald

Today is officially the gloomiest day of the year, according to psychologist Cliff Arnall’s mathematical formula, but if you’re feeling blue don’t despair – there’s no end of advice out there on what to do about it.

Contributing to today’s misery, in the blue(s) corner we have a formidable tag team of villains including the weather, Christmas debt and post-Christmas boredom, broken resolutions and low motivation. That’s without mentioning the fact that many of us so dread our jobs that we can’t sleep on Sundays – and most of us won’t get another week off until August.

Relight My Ire

Posted by Simon Glover

Is it just me or is Hillary Clinton starting to look like veteran Scottish pop singer Lulu?

I couldn’t help but be struck by the similarity while watching the Democrat would-be US Presidential candidate at the Iowa caucus this week.

The fomer First Lady is still favourite, just ahead of Barack Obama, but the Iowa result must have surely made her wanna shout...

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