It’s plastic rock’n’roll (but they like it)

by Greg McDonald

Original Rolling Stones bassist Bill Wyman is wrong to slam video game Guitar Hero for “encouraging kids not to learn”.

Indeed, far from signalling the end of teenage rebels without a chord picking up a Stratocaster, Guitar Hero can encourage kids without the good fortune to come from a musical family to pick up an instrument - even if it only has four buttons at first.

Of course, if Bill imagines a young Rolling Stone couldn’t get no satisfaction from a video game he’s right - pressing buttons in a lonely bedroom is no substitute for young people uniting in creativity.

But sadly, where their grandparents grew up singing with their mates in school and their families in church, the voices of the future are more likely to be found shooting zombies in the head, alone, in front of a screen.

And while their grandparents saw The Stones and The Beatles rock the world, today’s kids watch emotionally crippled X Factor wannabes weeping for a chance to escape their lives.

Simon Cowell says the Fab Four wouldn’t have been allowed past the first round of one of his ever-blander talent shows – mainly thanks to Ringo, apparently – so if playing The Beatles: Rock Band rather than another drearily nihilistic Grand Theft Auto spin-off encourages a few kids to start a real band rather than line up to pay for Cowell’s next set of teeth, let it be.

Bill Wyman is mistaken - the appeal of the electric guitar predates rock’n’roll itself and today’s Guitar Heroes will pick up real instruments the day they face a wake-up call louder than the biggest Stones bass rumble: plastic toys don’t get the girls.

Michael Jackson 1958-2009

by James Amar

Michael Jackson has died, aged 50, after a suspected heart attack. The singer was rushed to hospital in Los Angeles where doctors tried, unsuccessfully, to resuscitate him. He leaves behind him three children – and a world in shock.

His first wife Lisa Marie Presley expressed a “massive loss on so many levels”, while Madonna said "his music will live on forever”.

Jackson's glittering career was launched when he joined his brothers on stage as the youngest member of The Jackson Five, enjoying enormous success with hits such as ABC and I Want You Back.

His work as a solo artist proved even more fruitful, with the trail-blazing Off The Wall setting the tone before, unforgettably, Thriller became the best-selling album of all time.

His death comes just weeks before Jackson was due to start his much-hyped This Is It comeback tour, with no fewer than 50 dates in London. As fans across the world struggle to come to terms with his sudden death, read the tributes for the King of Pop left by Orange.co.uk users.

RIP MJ.

Glasto shows what it is to be English

by Greg McDonald

Glastonbury Festival begins today, and anyone concerned at the ugliness that has fuelled recent debate about our national identity need look no further for the perfect positive face of modern Englishness than Glasto’s inclusive celebration of art, tradition, freedom and community.

Around 180,000 happy human beings camped alongside each other in the mud, all welcome, nobody excluded. If you’ll give me a moment to remove my love beads, this inclusive vision is surely our country at its best.

And perhaps it’s worth remembering that while we’re merrily descending on a field in Somerset to cast off the chains of the office, there’s no such luxury for the crowds gathering in Tehran – indeed, we can only imagine how a spectacle like Glastonbury must appear to young Iranians dreaming of a future as enviably free as England’s.

So if we’re seeking an image of true English heritage, here’s a genuine national icon, from its organic roots in the naive hippy idealism of the first free festival to its ongoing real-world success in raising millions for charity.

So if you were lucky enough to get a ticket, have a great time this weekend. In the Somerset mud, in the inclusive community and free atmosphere of Glastonbury, is an English identity to be envied and of which to be proud.

Write yourself happy

by Greg McDonald

Dear reader, it’s official! Writing poems, songs, and even a simple diary can make us all happier – and in the current climate we’d all better get writing.

Yes, far from being the preserve of pallid 19th-century consumptives and acne-ridden Adrian Moles, scientists have proven that noting your thoughts down helps your brain “regulate emotion”, reducing sadness, stress and fear.

And – thank whatever Gods there may be – our poems don’t even have to be any good! In fact, the boys in the lab say the less vivid your efforts the better you’ll feel, which may explain why Gareth Gates is still smiling.

Documents leaked by my sources in the City appear to show writing therapies are already aiding top bankers today hit by the unimaginable stress of seeing their bonuses capped at £2,000, as evidenced by Lloyds chief executive Eric Daniels’ touching piece, If:

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
Grab what you can before the guillotines arrive.

While this moving excerpt from Bridget Brown’s Diary demonstrates the healing power of recording one’s ideas.

Monday: G8 summit on world food shortage.
Courses: 12
Glasses of wine: 23
Deregulated the financial sector. Listened to Elton John’s “Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word”.
Mood: excellent.

And I can personally verify that with all the time I’ve had to pick and mix my stanzas since Woolies went to the wall, I’ve enjoyed a thorough emotional catharsis by dashing off my first poetic missive, dedicated to the FSA and titled Composed On Westminster Lunch. If I might quote myself:

Earth hath not anything to show less fair
Dear God! the very houses seem asleep;
Most will be repossessed by March.

Good grief

Posted by Alan Tyers

God help us if there’s a war: parents are being warned that they may have to counsel children who will be distraught by the ending of the Harry Potter series.

Kids may struggle to cope with the hole in their lives as they adjust to life after Harry.

And a boss at ChildLine has said: “Loss can take many forms. It is the end of an era, and that does constitute a death of sorts.”

It’s even suggested that kids may suffer from depression because of it!

Not to come over too 1950s, but this is ridiculous. They need to toughen up a bit.

Things you like come to an end. People die. Endings aren’t always happy.

Perhaps parents should use this opportunity to educate children about some of the realties of life.

The only people with just cause to feel depressed about the end of Harry Potter are the poor souls who run small bookshops: it costs them, say, nine quid to buy the book wholesale and Asda are doing it for a fiver.

If you want to talk about bereavement, how about the death of small businesses? And how about the apparent demise of a publishing industry which doesn’t just offer chick lit, overgrown chidren’s books and cobbled-together autobiographies of Big Brother contestants?

Writing wrong

Posted by Will Parkhouse

He wrote about a boy who has a relationship with his 10-year-old sister. About some children who hide their dead parents’ bodies until the stench gives them away. About a grown man who gets his sexual kicks by dressing as a schoolboy.

Yep, that Ian McEwan is one twisted guy.

Following the abhorrent shootings in Virginia which led to the deaths of 32 people, the internet is poring over the college writings of killer Cho Seung-Hui (left).

The two plays out there – there may be more to come – are angry and grotesque fantasies more suited to a raging adolescent than a student of 23.

Now, people are looking for someone to blame and, as ever, discovering the magic of hindsight.

Okay, Seung-Hui was a loner, he was quiet, he was troubled and he wrote weird stuff, but no one could have foreseen he’d pull something like this – otherwise we’d be sending the cops round to Brett Easton Ellis’s house just in case.

Dunblane, Columbine, Erfurt and now Virginia Tech: these were awful tragedies, but not just for their ruinous and cataclysmic violence. It was, and is, their very unpredictability that gets us.

Poetic licence

Posted by Darren Lee

As off-the-wall marketing ideas go, a hip-hop re-interpretation of Wordsworth’s most famous poem “Daffodils” performed by a giant red squirrel, in order to boost tourism to the Lake District, takes some beating.

But a video commissioned by Cumbria tourist chiefs offers exactly that. Press play to watch clips:

Starring MC Nuts and including choice lyrics such as "the flowers were quite some-ting, yeah" and "so check it", the video is an ill-advised attempt to pitch the great Lakeland poet to the YouTube generation.

And like most attempts by grown-ups to court the nation’s youth, the stunt manages to misfire spectacularly, coming across like some nightmare hybrid of Ali G and the Teletubbies: not an image which traditionally conjures up images of romantic verse and countryside tranquillity.

Next up: a cartoon Ricky Gervais turns Sir John Betjemen’s “Slough” into a motivational speech, complete with power ballad and bad dancing. Possibly.

A crash decision

 Pity poor Richard Hammond. Actually, don't. Before his miraculous survival in a 288mph jet-powered car accident, the Top Gear presenter and motoring aficionado was known only to, well, Top Gear viewers and motoring aficionados.

Now, thanks to that crash, he has a profile that stretches beyond the car world, possibly even rivalling that of co-host Jeremy Clarkson. And, unlike Clarkson, he's got an affectionate nickname ("The Hamster") and the love of the public, making him almost a shoe-in for national treasure status.

Tonight BBC2 will broadcast footage of the dramatic crash that made Hammond (properly) famous. But should it be shown?

There were criticisms of the BBC back in September for letting such potentially dangerous programming take place. But Hammond was never press-ganged into the work he does – in fact he clearly loves it - and now they have his backing to show what happened.

Looks like it wasn't only The Hamster who's done all right, then. For the first time in ages, the BBC has a viable contender in their schedules to go up against Channel 4's Celebrity Big Brother final, even though the loathsome Danielle is set to get a major comeuppance. Which to watch? Both shows will be car crash television.

Big bother

Posted by Darren Lee

Well, at least we all know who Shilpa Shetty is now!

In an increasingly surreal week which has seen effigy-burning of Endemol producers in India, a record number of viewers’ complaints to Ofcom and questions raised in Parliament over the alleged racist treatment of the Bollywood actress, all sense of perspective is in danger of being completely and utterly lost.

Gordon Brown was even asked his views on the furore on his trip to India (the Chancellor’s bemused expression suggesting that he'd never watched an episode of Big Brother in his life!) Meanwhile, the Doomsday clock inches closer to midnight and nobody bats an eyelid. Nero, Rome, fiddling anyone?

Someone needs to put the reality back into reality TV: what we’re seeing is merely the end product of the trash culture that the media have been so fastidiously cultivating over the past decade or so. Jade, Danielle and Jo are essentially ignorant Z-list celebs with no discernible talent, put on a pedestal for reasons no one can quite remember.

But as soon as they expose themselves as the tiny-minded, poorly educated dullards they are, we’re expected to feel shocked? Forgive me for not joining in with the moral panic, but we get the celebrities we deserve. Me, I’m voting for Dirk.

Bigot Brother?

Posted by Nikki Scholey

TV watchdogs have received more than 2,000 complaints from Celebrity Big Brother fans about alleged racist bullying of contestant Shilpa.

Viewers complained that Jade Goody, Danielle Lloyd and Jo O'Meara repeatedly mocked Shilpa's Asian accent and insulted her background.

In the immortal words of Big Brother contestant Nicky Grahame “Who is she?” Well actually, Shilpa Shetty is a very successful Bollywood actress. She is beautiful, clearly talented and has admitted she has assistants and servants at her home in India.

So are her fellow housemates racist – or are they just jealous?

Who are they, after all? Danielle is a model who is more famous for her footballer other half than her career. Former S Club 7 singer Jo’s attempt at a solo career never took off and Jade is more famous for her ‘Jadeisms’ and appearing on the front of magazines than any sort of talent.

Isn't this is a clash of personalities rather than racist bullying? If the girls were racist surely they would be having a go at Jermaine Jackson too?

*UPDATE: Sky are reporting that the number of complaints to Ofcom and Channel 4 has reached 4,500.
** UPDATE 2 (9am, 17.1.07): Number of complaints received is now over 10,000.