Good Week: Michael Schumacher, Joanna Lumley, dancing newlyweds, Russell Crowe

by Greg McDonald

It was a fast-action week for Michael Schumacher, as the greatest racing driver of all time shocked the world with the announcement of a dramatic Ferrari comeback. Schumi will stand in in the wake of Felipe Massa's freak accident during qualifying for the Hungarian grand prix, granting every motorsport fan the dream of seeing four world champions – Schumacher, Alonso, Raikkonen and Lewis Hamilton – racing together. Lewis for one can't wait to see them line up on the grid.

It was an exotic week for Joanna Lumley, as the heroine of the Gurkha Justice Campaign was mobbed and draped in garlands by adoring Kathmandu crowds. The actress was meeting Nepalese President Dr Ram Baran Yadav to mark the success of the Gurkha campaign – and Dr Ram definitely got an easier ride than Joanna gave poor old MP Phil Woolas back in Blighty.

It was a week of celebrations for American newlyweds Kevin Heinz and Jill Peterson, whose dancing-in-the-aisle to Chris Brown's "Forever" became an online sensation, with 12 million You Tube hits. Though here at GWBW we still prefer British couple Julia and James's dirty dancing.

It was a rich week for the Sunningdale Cancer Research shop, as Hollywood super-star Russell Crowe, in town playing Robin Hood in the new Ridley Scott blockbuster, came riding through the glen with a £1,000 cheque. However, the Gladiator icon will have to put in a more memorable performance if he's to match up to such big-screen outlaws as Kevin Costner and Errol Flynn – the lady at the till didn't recognise him.

Bad Week: Jeremy Clarkson, David Cameron, Bruno, Sir Bobby Robson

by Greg McDonald

It was a pile-up of a week for Jeremy Clarkson, as the Top Gear presenter's sense of humour conked out mid-show when he had to be given a talking to by BBC2 controller Janice Hadlow after using the c-word to describe the Prime Minister. Of course it was brake fluid off a Mustang’s back right tyre for Clarkson, who’s made a career of offending everyone from the blind to lorry drivers.

But Clarkson wasn't the only one turning the nation's airwaves blue this week. It was a cynically manipulative week for the Leader of Her Majesty's Opposition, who called Twitter users "tw*ts" on Absolute Radio. If David Cameron intended to sound down with the kids, he may not have been thrilled at DJ Christian O'Connell's justification for airing bad language: "I think he must be posh," O'Connell said afterwards: "A lot of posh people don't think tw*t is a swear word."

It was combative week for Brüno, as Sacha Baron Cohen's alter ego was threatened by militant Palestinian group Abu Aita, whose spokespeople declared they would "respond in the way we find suitable" after the comic ridiculed Ayman Abu Aita, a Palestinian man portrayed as a terrorist in Brüno’s eponymous summer blockbuster. Though frankly, after surviving this run-in with Eminem at the MTV Awards, we don't imagine much scares Sacha.

Finally, it was a sad week for friends and family of Sir Bobby Robson, the footballing legend who died on Friday aged 76. Players and staff at Newcastle United held a minute's silence for the boyhood fan who went on to manage the club he loved and the national side. Here at GWBW we'll never forget how close Robson's England came to the World Cup final in 1990.

Pottymouth’ Cameron knows what he’s doing

By Greg McDonald

If David Cameron’s years in PR taught him anything it’s that he needn’t fret about being the first British political leader to turn the nation’s airwaves blue.

Cameron’s “slip” – swearing in a down-wid-da-kidz kinda way on a down-wid-da-kidz kinda radio show was about as accidental as that occasion when Tony Blair was photographed taking his guitar to work in the middle of an election campaign – y’know, in case he felt like strumming some Oasis tunes and “chilling out”.

And far from signalling the death of Conservatism, Cameron’s on-air-swear was merely evidence that, as their man heads off on his summer break, the Tories have every right to relax, for the one thing Cam’s political brilliance has turned blue in the last four years is the polls.

Indeed such is the red-faced desperation in Labour ranks today that Peter Mandelson has started volunteering Gordon Brown for live TV debates, and bookies have slashed odds on Mandy himself running the country by Christmas.

Yet short of Tony Blair dusting down his six-string for a comeback it’s hard to envisage anything now standing in the way of Britain electing its first ex-PR PM.

Was Dave’s deliberate slip an insult to Absolute Radio listeners’ intelligence? Absolutely.

But it was the sort of brilliant politics which has made Cam as sure-fire a bet for PM as that “straight kinda guy” Tony Blair looked a year before he was strumming “Wonderwall” in Downing Street.

Caption competition: Esther Rantzen

by Tom Murphy

We asked what was being said as Esther Rantzen visited Luton Town Market to announce that she'll run as an independent candidate at the next General Election.

Winner

"When I told my pals I was going to Luton, they said 'Wear the fox hat', but I prefer this straw boater myself."
Dave


Runners-up

"Be honest - does this hat make my teeth look big?"
Rob from Redhill

"Hoping to catch the floating boater"
Kevin
            
"I've heard they pay even more expenses than the BBC!"
Sandra, Newton Aycliffe

See all the previous winners

A woman's work

by Alan Tyers

It is wrong that women earn less than men, and society should correct this imbalance – for practical reasons if not moral ones.

Not only is the pay gap unfair, it is harmful and it’s getting worse.

In 2007, women earned 21.9% less than men; that gap is now 22.6%. Women are more likely to have crappy, low-paying, low-status jobs than men: cashier, cleaner, caterer. This in turn creates negative stereotypes and low expectations for the next generation.

That’s bad, but it’s further up the career ladder that the situation really bites. Despite all the progress of the last three generations, there is still a tough glass ceiling.

Taking one male-dominated sector – the upper echelons of the City – as an example, the Equality And Human Rights Commission finds that only 11% of senior managers in the sector are women and that women are getting paid anything up to 55% less than their male counterparts to do the same job.

Look at the royal mess that the banker boys have made of the financial system, with their willy-waving, relentless risk-taking and macho short-termism, and tell me they deserve the extra cash.

Equal pay is desirable not just in and of itself, but because business and finance need a radical overhaul in this country: a new way of thinking. Pay women the same as men; make it illegal not to. Impose quotas. Because intervention is needed to correct this situation.

Men have had their turn at running our country, let women see if they can do better.

Soldiers of misfortune

By Alan Tyers

The negative PR certainly writes itself: evil MOD seeks to weasel out of giving a few quid for injured war heroes.

Then again, running the armed forces shouldn’t be a popularity contest.

A soldier who was shot in the leg in Iraq was initially awarded £9,250; on appeal this was increased to £46,000. A marine who broke his leg in training saw his £8,250 compo bumped to to £28,750 on appeal.

The brass are appealing against the appeals, on the grounds of what basically sounds like double jeopardy: not only does the MoD have to pay out for the injuries, it has to pay out for subsequent problems caused by the injuries. It is clear, as Falklands veteran (and casualty) Simon Weston has said, that “the system is incredibly flawed”.

This is probably an unfashionable viewpoint, and obviously getting shot in the leg must be horrible but… isn’t putting up with the risk of getting shot at one of the defining features of the job of soldiering?

Despite what the papers would have us believe, it is possible for a British person to get through their daily life without being shot, stabbed or car-bombed into oblivion.

Surely the pay you get for joining the armed forces reflects the fact that it is a dangerous job? There are other life paths to choose.

If people are unable to work as a result of their injuries, then it is right that the state should take care of them.

But the payouts should be commensurate with the fact that the victim voluntarily chose to be in such a risky position in the first place, shouldn’t they?

It's time to re-nationalise the railways!

By Greg McDonald

MPs are right to slam “perverse” private rail franchises for upping fares by 11% during a recession – but the real perversity was privatising the railways in the first place.

For the truth is that, with a £5bn taxpayer subsidy funding investors’ exotic holidays to distant lands of high-speed rail, Britain’s fare-hiking, service-cutting “private” railways have never really been private at all.

Rather, just like the bailed-out banks, all that’s ever really been private is the profit made in the good times.

Of course, we shouldn't be shocked to find a privatised company being run in the interests of profits in a boom. And we've learnt not to be shocked to discover it’s us who's picking up the tab when that company can’t be allowed to fail in a bust (after coughing up for some million-pound pension packages, naturally).

But we should be surprised at the government’s failure to grasp the solution: re-nationalise the network and build a high-speed railway where clean, fast, nationalised trains run on time on safe, reliable nationalised tracks and the annual increase in fares is zero per cent.

The nationalisation of National Express East Coast is a start – but with the financial meltdown revealing the free market ideology that gave us privatisation to be a disaster for which our grandchildren will have to foot the bill, and with unemployment still rising, there could be no better time than today to get to work building a greener, cheaper, nationalised future.

Surely the alternative track is perverse?

Good Week: Tom Daley, David Cameron, Dave Carroll, Andrew Flintoff

by Greg McDonald

It was a golden week for 15-year-old diving sensation Tom Daley, as the boy wonder won the World Championships in Rome with a perfect final round that his mother reckoned was better than 50 childhood Christmases. Looking ahead to London 2012, we’re backing Tom to now make good on the Olympic promise he showed as BBC Young Sports Personality of the Year back in 2007.

It was a winning week for David Cameron as the Conservatives won the Norwich North by-election – although they were up against a Labour candidate struck down by swine flu mid-campaign. Cameron is getting used to by-election success after defeating Labour in Crewe and Nantwich, and pipping the Monster Raving Loonies to the post in Haltemprice and Howden.

It was a super soa-away week for country singer Dave Carroll, as his revenge song about United Airlines, 'United Breaks Guitars', proved an online sensation, with over three million YouTube viewers tuning in to hear the tale of how our Dave's precious Taylor guitar was damaged by Chicago Airport baggage handlers. High five!

It was a magnificent week for Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff, as English cricket's whirlwind bowler tore through the Australian batting order on a glorious final day of the Lords Test to claim only the third five-wicket haul of his career, - and put England one up in the Ashes. It was vintage stuff that recalled the Fred of 2005 - though here at GWBW we still think this sledging incident was Flintoff's finest hour.

Bad Week: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Steven Gerrard, Silvio Berlusconi, swine flu

by Greg McDonald

Hasta la vista, education investment! It was a week of dodgy lines for Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Governor of California was panned for insensitively posting a Twitter video showing him wielding a giant knife as he discussed wacky ideas for budget cuts. Insensitive? Mr Olympia 1975?! Or should that be Mr President 2012?

It was a "mither" of a week for Liverpool FC star Steven Gerrard, whose Reds teammates were left to grind out a draw with Thailand while their captain was hauled into court to apologise for punching a businessman in a bar brawl last December. And Stevie wasn’t the only celeb allegedly throwing his fists around, as Amy Winehouse and Jude Law could testify.

It was a seedy week for Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, as tapes of the millionaire septuagenarian's alleged dealings with a prostitute were made public, including one in which Berlusconi seemingly makes some frankly unrepeatable suggestions to escort Patrizia D’Addario. And we thought his snubbing of German Chancellor Angela Merkel was rude!

It was a sickening week for British swine flu sufferers, as the Church of England issued a decree to stop “sharing of the chalice” at communion services, the Government’s advice website crashed on its launch, and the numbers told the real story - with 100,000 Brits seeking medical advice, 840 in hospital and 63 in intensive care.

No boobs please, we're French

by Greg McDonald

As a new generation of French women wish “Au revoir!” to topless sunbathing, we should all refuse to allow either exploitative sexualisation or prudish conservatism to make us ashamed of our own bodies.

Now prepare yourself for a shock. On the question of the modern mademoiselle baring all along the St Tropez coast, this British man, adjusting the handkerchief tied in four knots across his burned and peeling pate, is coming out in favour of the monokini revival.

I jest – but while Continental nudity has long titillated postcard-sending Brits abroad, there is a serious issue at stake on Europe’s beaches.

The coastal cover-up is part of a sad retreat in the battle for our own bodies, an acceptance that the pincer movement of fig leaf-wielding cultural conservatism crying “modesty!” on the one hand, and exploitative body-beautiful sexualisation on the other, has convinced us the human body is something to be ashamed of.

We can’t measure up to the unreal expectations created by airbrushed fashion shoots – yet while the exploitation of sexuality requires redressing, we its victims do not.

It’s a sad day when even the liberated French feel the need to cover up. Indeed, as I blog on my BlackBerry on this deserted French nudist beach, I’m considering calling my rep to see if it’s too late to get a villa in Crete.