A right royal carve-up

by Alan Tyers

MPs, failed but lavishly pensioned Speakers, BBC executives, bailed-out bankers...and now the Queen as well? Has EVERYONE got their hand in your pocket?

As her subjects battle through the biggest recession in a generation, the cost of keeping the Queen in corgis and formidable hats has risen. The total annual cost of the monarchy is up £1.5m to £41.5m.

The Queen’s Civil List, which includes staff, cost £13.9m in 2008. £7.9m of that came from the Government (i.e. the taxpayer) and a further £6m came from a reserve fund that was built up during the 1990s with unspent (i.e. taxpayers’) money.

That pot now stands at "just" £21m, so even the most mathematically challenged royal (no doubt a strong field) should be able to work out that, at the current rate of spending, it’ll all be gone in three years or so.

And so the Royal Family will be wanting more money.

As the Government - this one, the next one, whatever - effects huge public spending cutbacks to fund the bailouts of their chums in the City, the beleaguered taxpayer will have to dig ever deeper to support an anachronistic bunch of losers, freeloaders and no-hopers.

The Queen, Gawd bless her, has done a magnificent job, but once she goes, it’s time for this obscenely-funded monarchy to reform, massively. They have assets and earning potential, so let them pay for their own keep: scrap the civil lists and let them sink or swim.

There is just no justification for having an already vastly wealthy man like Prince Charles and his Hooray Henry sons suckling on the public teat – let alone the also-ran 15th in-line nobodies.

If they want to stay on with people bowing and scraping before them, they can do it without enjoying the largesse of their supposed social inferiors.

Hot Hot Hot!!!

by Greg McDonald

Phew! As sweating bookies slash the odds against the UK experiencing its highest ever temperatures, this week’s heatwave is surely a vision of Britain’s future, in which our tanned grandchildren buzz like noisy mosquitoes around the barbecue while we finish the Monday lunchtime siesta under a Yorkshire olive grove.

Of course we’ll bore them with stories about how there was once green grass in Hyde Park and nobody slept in the day, but they won’t really believe us.

For with global warming changing the face of the country irrevocably, these may be the last British summers as we’ve known them, the warm breeze blowing in a more European lifestyle of long summer evenings at pavement cafes, and changes to a historically reserved national character very much a creation of our climate.

A diverse bunch we may be these days, but while sun-kissed Roman Romeos have long wept to see Juliets depart, the British male has rarely fallen sobbing to his knees at Paddington station.

Indeed, Britain’s climate is changing so much that the Met Office has today delivered the first "heat health" warning, telling the more fragile of us to avoid doing anything too strenuous, take a break from outdoor work around midday and drink lots.

Lots of water, that is – in Britain’s burnt new world, such dehydrating Olde Worlde dangers as a pint of ale or an honest cuppa are off limits. Bring back the rain!

Good Week: John Bercow, Simon Cowell, World’s Shortest Man, England Women’s Cricket Team

by Greg McDonald

It was a proud week for new House of Commons Speaker John Bercow, as the self-styled "clean-break candidate" defeated 10 other MPs to succeed Michael Martin. Though if this was the moment the Commons cleaned up its act, it sure had a Machiavellian way of doing it, as Bercow proved wildly popular with Labour MPs – seemingly because his own lot can’t stand him.

It was a rich week for pop mogul Simon Cowell as Topshop billionaire Sir Philip Green confirmed talks are afoot to see the pair develop an international TV business to challenge Disney, with Simon owning, producing and starring in the company’s shows. TV’s favourite talent judge has seen some uncomfortable moments down the years, but we think his own run-in with American Idol's Chris Sligh is the most toe-curling.

It was a big week for diminutive Khagendra Thapa Magar, as the Nepalese who stands just 2ft tall stood to smash the record for the World's Shortest Man. The teenager will knock 5in off the Guinness World Record currently held by his comparatively gigantic 2ft 5in Chinese rival He Ping Ping when he turns 18 in October.

It was a glorious week for the England Women’s Cricket Team, as they proved themselves the undisputed best in the world with a stunning victory in the World Twenty20 Final. And in the aftermath of the tragic events in Pakistan in March, when the Sri Lankan cricket tour bus fell prey to a fatal terror attack, it proved a great week for Pakistan, who proved popular winners of the men’s event.

Bad Week: Max Mosley, tattoo girl, Peter Andre, Farrah Fawcett

by Greg McDonald

This week was the pits for FIA president Max Mosley, whose resignation proved the price of peace in the battle between Formula One's governing body and the Teams Association for the future of the sport after he called Ferrarri and others "loonies" in this interview and was forced to announce he won’t stand for re-election this year.

Here at GWBW, we've heard some desperate excuses in our time, but none to top that of Belgian “tattoo girl” Kimberley Vlaeminck, who claimed she'd only had 53 stars tattooed on her cheek because she'd fallen asleep under the needle.  But having seen her tattoo artist, we can't help thinking Kim must have known what she was letting herself in for. Indeed, she's since admitted lying to appease her angry father.

It was another painful week for Peter Andre as his estranged wife Katie Price laid bare a couple of striking, ahem, tweets on the social networking site Twitter in which she attacked the 'Mysterious Girl' crooner. Here at GWBW we just feel for the kids – it wasn't so long ago that Katie and Peter were being named Mum and Dad of the Year.

Finally, though inevitably overshadowed by the passing of Michael Jackson, it was a sad week for friends and family of actress Farrah Fawcett, who died in a Los Angeles hospital after losing her battle with cancer. Leading the tributes, Farrah's long-time partner Ryan O'Neal, at her bedside when she died, said: "We take comfort in the knowledge that her life brought joy to so many people around the world."

Michael Jackson 1958-2009

by James Amar

Michael Jackson has died, aged 50, after a suspected heart attack. The singer was rushed to hospital in Los Angeles where doctors tried, unsuccessfully, to resuscitate him. He leaves behind him three children – and a world in shock.

His first wife Lisa Marie Presley expressed a “massive loss on so many levels”, while Madonna said "his music will live on forever”.

Jackson's glittering career was launched when he joined his brothers on stage as the youngest member of The Jackson Five, enjoying enormous success with hits such as ABC and I Want You Back.

His work as a solo artist proved even more fruitful, with the trail-blazing Off The Wall setting the tone before, unforgettably, Thriller became the best-selling album of all time.

His death comes just weeks before Jackson was due to start his much-hyped This Is It comeback tour, with no fewer than 50 dates in London. As fans across the world struggle to come to terms with his sudden death, read the tributes for the King of Pop left by Orange.co.uk users.

RIP MJ.

Glasto shows what it is to be English

by Greg McDonald

Glastonbury Festival begins today, and anyone concerned at the ugliness that has fuelled recent debate about our national identity need look no further for the perfect positive face of modern Englishness than Glasto’s inclusive celebration of art, tradition, freedom and community.

Around 180,000 happy human beings camped alongside each other in the mud, all welcome, nobody excluded. If you’ll give me a moment to remove my love beads, this inclusive vision is surely our country at its best.

And perhaps it’s worth remembering that while we’re merrily descending on a field in Somerset to cast off the chains of the office, there’s no such luxury for the crowds gathering in Tehran – indeed, we can only imagine how a spectacle like Glastonbury must appear to young Iranians dreaming of a future as enviably free as England’s.

So if we’re seeking an image of true English heritage, here’s a genuine national icon, from its organic roots in the naive hippy idealism of the first free festival to its ongoing real-world success in raising millions for charity.

So if you were lucky enough to get a ticket, have a great time this weekend. In the Somerset mud, in the inclusive community and free atmosphere of Glastonbury, is an English identity to be envied and of which to be proud.

Caption competion: John Bercow

By Simon Glover

We asked what was being said as John Bercow MP was walked in traditional fashion to his chair in the House of Commons to become the new Speaker of the House of Commons?

Winner

"Day 5 in the Big Brother house - Michael Martin has been evicted and John Bercow is off to the diary room..."

Rob, Sutton Coldfield

Runners-up

MPs still couldn't get the hand over right in the parliamentary 4x400 relay race.

Ben Jericho

Mr Berkow, although fit for the Speaker's job, failed miserably at the line dancing initiation

Jacqueline, Walsall

"If it's so easy to pull me out, why can't we do it to Gordon Brown?"

Holly, Littlehampton

See all the previous winners

Flag day

by Alan Tyers

They may take our lives… but they will never take our personalised tartan chairs.

Such is the cry of Christine Grahame, an SNP Member Of The Scottish Parliament who has taken up the cause of a worker at the National Library of Scotland told to take down the array of Scottish flags that festoon his desk.

Bosses at the library felt that the patriotic functionary had gone overboard with his collection of Saltires, Lions Rampant and even a chair he had personalised with red tartan. They went as far as to say that this display of national pride might even “intimidate non-Scottish colleagues”. More likely, said foreigners probably just think he’s a complete "head-the-ball".

But the bandwagon-jumping SNP spied an opportunity, with Ms Grahame invoking Freedom of Information laws to see emails from library bigwigs to their flunkies, before launching a stirring counter-attack about “this deliberate assault on our national flag”.

Being in the SNP looks like the easiest gig in politics: any time you need to, you can just tap into this deep well of chippiness and historical sense of injustice. Never mind that actually going it alone away from the rest of the UK would send the country back to the economic dark ages – what about our flag?

Meet the new Speaker

By Alan Tyers

Born in Finchley, the son of a cab driver, Bercow took a first class degree in Government at University of Essex. He was chairman of the (very) right-wing Monday Club – a Conservative Student group – where he was secretary of its in-no-way sinister-sounding Immigration and Repatriation Committee.

He worked in a merchant bank, then as a lobbyist, then a local Councillor in Lambeth. In 1996, he chartered a helicopter so he could attend the selection meetings for two safe Tory seats in one day; he got the nod for Buckingham and was elected at the 1997 General Election.

He rose to be a member of IDS’s shadow cabinet but resigned when he refused to follow the party line of being anti gay adoption in a three-line whip. He also mocked (his then-boss at the Shadow Home Office) Ann Widdecombe’s draconian views on cannabis smoking as “transparently absurd.”

It would appear that Bercow has made a journey from the right-wing of his party all the way over to the left – and indeed he is more popular on the Labour benches than on his own.

It has been suggested that Labour, knowing the jig is up, have only voted for him out of spite, leaving the Conservatives something stinky behind the sideboard on the way out, as it were. He was cheered to the Speaker’s chair by the Government benches; the Opposition sat on their hands.

He is certainly out of step with the Tory command – having been a very strong supporter of Michael Portillo and having dismissed David Cameron as unsuitable for leadership on the grounds of his posh background.

He came out of the expenses row cleaner than most and now faces the challenge of helping to restore public confidence in parliament – as well as remaining above suspicions of personal party-political bias.

The only question seems to be: in favour of which party?

Why it's still wrong to negotiate with kidnappers

by Greg McDonald

Our hearts go out to the families of Jason Creswell and Jason Swindlehurst, the two British hostages whose bodies have been identified in Iraq.

Our thoughts are also with the families of the three Britons who remain captive. Their daily suffering is unimaginable, and as the extremist militia responsible demand the release of Shia prisoners in the next months, we can all understand calls for any demand to be met if it brings the innocent safely home.

But, and as harsh as it seems to say this right now, we must stand firm in support of the British Government’s policy of not making concessions to hostage-takers.

The cold truth is that bowing to demands will only act as a spur to future kidnappers. We will never know how many lives the policy of refusing to negotiate has already saved.

If there was any doubt that concessions don’t work, the militants surely vanquished it by following up the release of Laith al-Khazali from a US detention centre in Baghdad this month with the handover of the bodies of two men long since dead.

This latest awful chapter in the wider tragedy of the Iraq story should hammer home the need for an open inquiry into what Britain was ever doing in Iraq in the first place.

Today, though, our hearts go out to the families of the deceased, and our hopes lie with those charged with securing the safe release of the remaining hostages.