Good Week: David Tenant, Lionel Messi, Delia Smith, Christiano Ronaldo

by Greg McDonald

It was a red letter week for actor David Tennant as the Doctor Who star was signed up to reprise his role as Hamlet for a TV special which will reunite him with Star Trek actor Patrick Stewart. Many consider Hamlet Tenant’s finest stage moment – but here in the GWBW office we’re going for this snog with Davina McCall.

It was a champion week for Barcelona star Lionel Messi, as the silky-skilled striker proved too much even for Alex Ferguson’s world-class defence, claiming a historic treble after seeing off a lacklustre Manchester United in Rome’s Champions League Final. Gary Lineker reckons Messi could yet supersede even Maradona as the greatest footballer of all – what do you think?

It was a proud week for celebrity chef Delia Smith, as the culinary tastemaker supreme announced a new BBC show to celebrate 40 (40!) years at the top. Roast duck with cherry sauce sure makes a nice change, but our favourite thing Delia has dished up remains this sherry-inspired speech to the Norwich City faithful in 2005.

Finally, he may have been outshone on the field this week, but at the gym Cristiano Ronaldo was making all the running as the pacey Portuguese claimed the consolation of being named Gay Times’ sexiest man in the world. And as heart-broken United fans made do with a mere quadruple of Premiership, World Club Cup, Carling Cup and Charity Shield, the £50m Real Madrid were reportedly offering for their hero might have soothed Ron’s wounded pride too.

Bad Week: Julie Kirkbride, Margaret Moran, MPs, Phil Spector

by Greg McDonald

It was an expensive week for Tory MP Julie Kirkbride as revelations of, among other things, the taxpayer forking out a cool grand for a fashion shoot in a cornfield, brought Ms Kirkbride’s constituents onto the streets in anger. And while the MP initially fought her corner it was people power that finally forced her out.

While Julie Kirkbride was having her picture taken in the sunny fields of Bromsgrove, Labour’s Luton South MP Margaret Moran had a darker issue to address: a £22,000 dry rot problem was ruining her second home. Only that second home was in Southampton which, for those readers not au fait with the commute from Luton South to Westminster, is not exactly what the SatNav ordered.

And as the floodgates opened it was another dire week for all MPs, as Labour’s Elliot Morley and Tory Christopher Fraser joined the 12 who’ve stepped down so far, while Bill Cash was caught out claiming for his daughter’s flat and former Labour Deputy Leader Roy Hattersley demanded Hazel Blears leave the Cabinet. The cost of all these sackings? A million quid – and guess who’s picking up the bill.

It was a terrible week for music producer Phil Spector as the ‘60s legend was sentenced for the murder of actress Lana Clarkson in Los Angeles. It marked the end of a tragic fall from grace for the genius whose "wall of sound", heard on records like his first wife Ronnie Ronette’s ‘Be My Baby’, was possibly the most joyous creation of the last century.

Caption competition: David Van Day

by Dan Curley

We asked what was being said when David Van Day spoke to a constituent in Woburn, Mid Bedfordshire, where he plans to stand against Conservative MP Nadine Dorries?

Winner

"Vacuous, transient and making a fortune? I kinda found it as a pop star, but a politician? It’s perfect!"
Andy

Runners up

"I know this is a bad chat-up line, but I'd rather lean against you than stand against Nadine Dorries."
Neill, Birmingham

"What do you mean, my Cockney accent's improved since Mary Poppins?"
Rob, Llandough

"I was in the jungle, you know? Not too different from the House of Commons these days."
Tom Clayton

 

See all the previous winners

Electoral reform is the only real solution

by Greg McDonald

Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg’s challenge to “totally reinvent British politics” in 100 days, by banning MPs from taking their summer breaks until they’ve overhauled the electoral system and abolished the House of Lords, is the most radical political gesture to emerge from the current situation.

As the crisis rages this is no time for consultations and inertia, and Clegg is right to strike before the dust settles back to where it’s lain since Winston Churchill’s days as a reforming Liberal.

While a month ago such a bold proposal would have sounded as risible to Westminster’s home-flippers as Joe Taxpayer’s thoughts on duck islands, such is the scale of this crisis that for the first time there is a real chance of the public voice being heard.

As the scandals keep coming we have every right to feel angry, but we needn’t feel powerless. In the next few months our voices can shape this debate by demanding an end to unaccountability: no more unelected Prime Ministers, no more unelected heads of state, no more unelected Lords.

Clegg’s challenge is the boldest heard, but I have a greater test for him. If the other parties block such radical reform, make the first line of the LibDem manifesto a promise to introduce a new electoral system in 100 days – and call an election under it.

Government guilty of torture?

It's all gone a bit Jack Bauer... the British Government is being sued for torture.

Displaying a rather flattering, although not widely shared, view of the Home Secretary's reach and influence, lawyers for Briton Jamil Rahman have written to Wor Jacqui accusing her of colluding in their client's torture and imprisonment.
 
It is as yet unclear if Jacqui has put in an expense claim for pairs of pliers, waterboards, aggressively bright desk lamps and so on.

It sounds like Mr Rahman has had a hell of a time of it: tortured for two years in Bangladesh while his own Government, in the shadowy shape of MI5, left the room (literally) and let his captors do their thing.
 
Rahman is not the only one: a former Guantanamo Bay detainee, Binyam Mohamed, says he was tortured in Pakistan and Morocco with the knowledge of MI5.
 
The question, raised by the magnificent Mr Bauer time and again in the brilliant documentary 24, is the utilitarian one. Namely: is it right that one guilty (or possibly guilty) person should suffer to protect thousands of innocents?

While Jamil Rahman and Binyam Mohamed are innocent and beyond reproach, not everyone is. So do we trust the security services to get it right?

Would you torture a terrorist for information if that would definitely prevent the death of 1,000 innocent people?

If your answer is “yes”, well – the rest is just a slice of an already-cut cake. Cases of “probably guilty” and “maybe possibly guilty” and “probably not guilty of this specific crime but definitely a wrong ‘un” all flow, inevitably, from there. Mistakes will be made. Sadists will get involved. Innocent victims will find their faces fitting.

Is it worth it?

Pulling the ladder up

by Alan Tyers

The West is obviously right to condemn North Korean nuclear tests, but does so with little moral authority.

Barack Obama has pledged military support to the unfortunate neighbours of the loony Kim Jong-il and friends, and Gordon Brown (probably welcoming a rare chance to look like one of the goodies, albeit only in comparison to a dictator) has also said all the right tough things.

The US and Britain are right to take the lead; let’s just hope that other countries back us up on this one. Nobody should be in any doubt that Kim Jong-il is a dangerous nutter, and the US – for all its real or perceived faults – is right to act as the world’s policeman here.

The problem, it seems, illustrates a broader conflict in relations between the West and the developing world.

The US, as yet still the only country to use nuclear weapons in a war, naturally doesn’t want its enemies to have access to them. And nor should it: North Korea can hardly argue that it deserves anything like a fair hearing.

But as with nuclear missiles, so with chemical factories and coal plants: we in the West have already got fat and happy on the fruits of the industrial revolution and colonisation, and made ourselves safe with doomsday devices. Now we want to tell China and India, and indeed North Korea, what they can or cannot produce and how.

There’s no doubt that North Korea having nuclear weapons would be a bad thing for the world, just as China’s pollution-crazy industry may also help to kill the planet (albeit less dramatically). But reason and the moral high ground, unfortunately, won’t wash here: it’s more of the “don’t do as I do, do as I say” prescription. Better hope they come quietly…

Good Week: Gurkhas, Independent MPs, Sir Ranulph Fiennes, Elbow

by Greg McDonald

It was battle won this week for the Gurkhas as a Government surrender saw the Nepalese warriors granted full settlement rights. Field marshal Joanna Lumley generously praised Gordon Brown as a “brave man” – which was more than could be said for the squirming public performance she got when she ran into minister Phil Woolas at the House of Commons.

And as the Commons’ collapsing reputation and Lumley’s glittering performance led to calls for her to stand as an MP it was a hopeful week for independent politicians, not least Esther Rantzen, who said she was 80% sure of running in Luton South. Meanwhile Martin Bell pointedly refused to rule out a re-run of his own 1997 independent stand.

It was a grand old week for Sir Ranulph Fiennes as the 65-year-old became the oldest Briton to climb Everest, reaching the 8,850m Himalayan summit at the third attempt. Hair-raising stuff, but even Sir Ranulph couldn’t scale the peak in quite the style of Monty Python’s Hairdressers’ Expedition.

It was a winning week for indie grafters Elbow, who armed themselves with two Ivor Novello Awards for their string-laden anthem 'One Day Like This' after years of playing second fiddle to lesser acts. Though with typical modesty lead singer Guy Garvey reckoned warehouse worker Nick Hemming of unsigned band The Leisure Society woz robbed.

Bad Week: The Speaker, MPs, Catholic Church, Quentin Tarantino

by Greg McDonald

As the crisis of confidence engulfing British politics gathered pace it was a wretched seven days for Speaker Michael Martin, as dramatic scenes in Parliament saw the Glasgow MP facing calls for his head from Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg, first boldly refusing to go where no Speaker had gone in three centuries, and then meekly falling on his sword.

And while Martin was made the Commons’ sacrificial lamb it was another bleating awful week for MPs of all three mainstream parties as revelations of expenses claims for duck islands left an angry public unsure whether MPs deserved to be in the stocks or simply a laughing stock. One thing it seemed everyone could agree on was the need for a snap election.

It was a terrible week for the Catholic Church, as Ireland’s Commission to Inquire into Child Abuse uncovered decades of abuse so sickening that some Irish Catholic bloggers were calling it "our holocaust". The new Catholic Archbishop of Westminster, Vincent Nichols, did little to heal wounds when he praised the courage of clergy who came clean.

Finally, it was an “inglourious” week for Quentin Tarantino, as he stunned onlookers at the premiere of new his new movie with some of the worst dance moves since David Brent “fused Flashdance and MC Hammer”. To play us out this week here are John Travolta and Uma Thurman doing it properly in Pulp Fiction.

Why nasty Nick should shun the Queen

by Greg McDonald

The media storm over nasty BNP leader Nick Griffin being invited to tea with little old Elizabeth II shows our corrupt political elite up for the self-serving hypocrites they are.

If anything, Griffin, a man standing for democratic election, should shun the Queen as a totalitarian whose family represents a thousand years of brutal violence, religious oppression and white supremacy.

Now before anyone thinks I’m advocating hanging swastikas in Trafalgar Square, let’s be clear: the BNP's policies (more hitting of defenseless children, less of those awful darkies who give us Olympic glory and our national diet) are an embarrassment to anyone who understands what it means to be British.

Yet should Griffin and co gain seats in June, much of the blame will lie with the self-serving greed of a corrupt mainstream political elite guilty of upholding the undeserving at the expense of the unrepresented many.

As Fred Goodwin enjoys his pension pot, Lord Michael Martin arises, and the rest of us suffer on their financial and political watch, what’s required is genuine representative democracy. That means proportional representation, four-yearly elections, the abolition of unelected Lords and heads of state, and representative governance.

We must not let the corrupt mainstream use the threat of the BNP to distract from the rot at the heart of our system – and there couldn’t be a better symbol of that rot than a woman who’s never had a job throwing a knees-up at the Palace.

Caption competition: Barack Obama

by Simon Glover

We asked what was being said between President Barack Obama in the Oval Office and the crew of the Space Shuttle Atlantis?

Winner

"I know you guys have been away for a while,but there really is a black president."
Ashley Swindon

Runners up

"Obama phones to check that Sarah Palin is still in orbit."
Clare's Dad

"Any sign of a mushroom cloud over northkorea guys?"
Joyce Collins

"Hi guys...any feedback on my Moon based Guantanamo Bay Apollo detainee Centre idea yet...?!"
Neill Birmingham

See all the previous winners