Fat fighters

by Alan Tyers

Is it wrong to laugh at chubsters? This is the question posed on the radio by BBC 5 Live this week about the four-strong Chawner family of Blackburn, who have a combined weight of 83 stone.

They first came to public attention when daughter Emma (19 years/17 stone) appeared in a watch-through-your-fingers audition on The X Factor, wearing what appeared to be a wedding dress and butchering (if that’s even possible with such a song) Celine Dion’s ‘My Heart Will Go On’.

The family then enjoyed some minor notoriety when some of the less sympathetic sections of the press cottoned on to the fact that the Chawners don’t work – and get around £22,000 a year in benefits. The family say they don’t get that much dough, and they don’t eat all that much food either. But the fact remains that none of the four has a job, and they have a variety of obesity-related health problems.

People, both in person and in the media, have been terribly cruel. A Facebook group has even been set up. Emma says: “There was a comment on there which said, ‘If I see Emma Chawner, I’ll kill her,’ and that upset me and I ran upstairs crying.” It’s hard not to suspect that she didn’t actually run as such, but surely death threats are beyond the pale.

You might argue that by going on the nation’s biggest TV show, Emma opened herself up to criticism. With racism and homophobia no longer acceptable in the mainstream media, people need new targets for spite, and fatties fill the hole admirably. Especially those getting a few quid off the state.

One question, though: if, as a nation, we are getting fatter and fatter (which we are) then will state-sponging fatties eventually be able to band together and say “no more” to the abuse? Or will the definition of a fatty just have to be shifted upwards? Perhaps in 30 years’ time, the 17-stone Emma Chawners of tomorrow will be the ones poking fun at 27-stoners. Can’t wait.

MPs' expenses are beyond a joke

by Greg McDonald

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith’s latest humiliation is the end of her political credibility - but it would be easier for us taxpayers to muster some sympathy if we hadn’t been the ones who paid for the sofa bed her spouse undoubtedly woke up on this morning.

Along with the antique fireplace, naturally.

Still, if you think a few quid on some adult entertainment, or Smith’s colleague Tony McNulty’s home allowance claims are a scandal, just wait and see what the Easter Bunny brings. Following the holiday, MPs’ expenses will be made public – and you ain’t seen nothing yet.

All this would be a great joke – and Smith’s humiliation has certainly given her opponents a big laugh – but the public cynicism generated by MPs’ corrupt expense claims undermines our democracy.

Can you blame the decorator in Jacqui Smith’s constituency who, having left for work an hour early in order to vote Labour one morning in 2005, now discovers his taxes are being used to fit his MP’s antique hearth, so opts for the extra hour in bed in 2010?

There is a solution to this derailment of democracy: the expenses gravy train must be stopped in its tracks by the creation of an independent overseer, and from the next election all MPs receive the national average wage.

This would not only create a House of Commons more in tune with the people it represents; it would also combat public cynicism. Until then, faith in our democracy looks like spending many more nights on the sofa bed.

And before the old lie about high salaries attracting the best talent is wheeled out, two words: Fred Goodwin.

Good Week: Take That fans, Jenson Button, Britney, space billionaire

by Greg McDonald

It was a week for Take That fans to group hug one another in joy as Robbie Williams let slip that a reunion with his former band-mates was a “done deal” – in spite of all the bad feeling between him and Gary Barlow since Robbie declared his ‘Freedom’ from the all-conquering boy band back in 1996.

It was a roaring week for Jenson Button, as his all- new Braun Formula 1 car was not only cleared to take part in this weekend’s Australian Grand Prix but led the field in testing by such a margin that boss Frank Williams feared the Brit would simply “disappear”. For years the unluckiest man in F1, Jenson certainly seemed invisible during this memorable pit stop fiasco – we wish him and Lewis all the best this year.

It was a hot week for Britney Spears, as the ‘Gimme More’ star’s long journey back from the low of this infamous 2007 MTV Awards performance looked complete, with the controversy surrounding her filthily- titled new single ‘If U Seek Amy’ looking sure to make it a smash hit. Here at GWBW all we have to say is wash your mouth out, girl -– frankly, we were far more impressed with the word-play of Georgia’s banned anti-Putin Eurovision entry.

Next time your mum tells you you’re spending too much time in front of a computer screen, you might want to remember the name of 60- year- old Microsoft programmer Charles Simonyi. As good weeks go, waving goodbye to your new 28- year- old Swedish wife as you’re blasted into space for a spot of galactic tourism must rank pretty cosmically, even for a self- made billionaire.

Bad Week: Jade, Gordon Brown, Ken Clarke, Fern Britton

by Greg McDonald

It was the sad final week in the short life of Jade Goody, as the mum- of- two lost her battle with cervical cancer aged just 27. As Gordon Brown paid tribute to Jade’s determination, family and friends remembered a courageous woman who shared her life and death with the public like no other.

It was a week of chilly fortunes for Gordon Brown as the Latin American leg of the PM’s tour, to drum up support for his crunch G20 summit in London next week, had icy water poured on it by Brazilian President Lula da Silva, who slammed “white people with blue eyes” for the crisis. As Brown and fellow jet-setter Peter Mandelson were forced to scale down their own domestic spending plans, William Hague’s image of Mandy in Speedos was Parliament’s best line of the week.

But Gordon Brown wasn’t the only ex-Cchancellor forced to deny a split with his own party’s Ttreasury this week. That other former resident of No.umber 11, Conservative big beast Ken Clarke, dismissed current Tory Shadow Chancellor George Osborne’s totemic inheritance tax proposals as mere “aspiration” in a Politics Show interview. Uncommon gaffe or just common sense? See what you think.

It was an off week for TV presenter Fern Britton, as mean- spirited commentators attributed the 51-year- old’s departure from This Morning to sour grapes at co-presenter Philip Schofield’s bigger salary. Here’s Fern’s finest Morning hour, facing down those self-same media bullies over her gastric band revelations.

Teens need TV turn-off

by Greg McDonald

The Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) is right to consult on showing condom ads before the watershed, and allowing TV advertising of abortion services as part of a responsible effort to cut Britain’s teenage pregnancy and STD rates.

Despite the inflammatory outcry of Society for the Protection of Unborn Children director John Smeaton, who fierily claims TV ads will “commercialise the killing of unborn children”, these proposals are not about devilish abortion clinics feasting on the sins of a wicked society but about that ensuring essential advice, carefully regulated, reaches the necessary target audience.

And with irresponsible glamorisation of casual sex already omnipresent on our TV screens, a bit of factual advice in the ad breaks might actually provide Britain’s screen-addled teens with a cold shower of reality.

Liberal Democrat MP Dr Evan Harris is right that the outcry at condom and family planning advertising will come to look as ridiculous as yesteryear’s horror at tampon ads.

It’s a rarely acknowledged fact that the present Government has a good record on teen pregnancies, and numbers have fallen over the last decade.

But with around 2,000 under-16s diagnosed with STDs each year and Britain still top of the European teen pregnancy league, showing ads for condoms and abortion services may simply be a social necessity, and the ASA should be applauded for responsibly exploring the option.

Caption competition: Sarah Jessica Parker

by Simon Glover

We asked what was being said as Sarah Jessica Parker's stunt double climbed between balconies during filming for a new movie in New York?

Winner

'Here's the deal, I won't look down if you don't look up!'
Joey Pick, London

Runners-up

The apartment was perfect, although she wasn't that keen on the outside loo...
Ant from Bromley

'If Jacqui Smith can claim for 2 homes, then so can I...'
Ben

What started out as a simple Super Glue repair on the balcony furniture had quickly gotten way out of hand...
Ron Allan

See all the previous winners

Cover up your Face(book)

by Alan Tyers

Our Government has done it again: the latest weapon in The War On Terror is… monitoring Facebook.

You might well ask which terrorist organisation is writing, “The Spear Of Allah is planning to blow up Paddington” on its Facebook wall, or if keeping a watchful eye on social network drivel is an effective use of security forces’ time.

Or you might if you weren’t in Government, at least.

Even if – and it’s a big “if” – there was much to gain from analysing chatter on social networking sites, would it be worth the huge cost and time involved?

The Government says it will not monitor content, but will just keep data about who has been talking to whom.

This seems, if anything, even more pointless. Surely even would-be terrorists are plagued by idiots they thought they had ditched from secondary school pestering them on Facebook? Not everyone talking to Suspect A is going to be of interest, and knowing who talks to whoever else is only any use if you know what they are saying.

Given this administration’s record on the handling of sensitive electronic data, who could bet against some junior wonk leaving half the country’s entire social and private online life on a train somewhere?

And that’s to say nothing of the civil liberties angle.

It seems a terrible idea: bandwagon-jumping, impractical and costly. No doubt bids are being invited right now….

Free(bie) the Harrow One

by Alan Tyers

Yet another Labour MP is in the crosshairs thanks to a questionable “second home”: is it time to call off the hunt?

Tony McNulty, MP since 1997 in Harrow East (the constituency where I grew up) has until now enjoyed a smooth ride into the second tier of his party.

The current Minister for London managed to progress pretty rapidly under Blair but was canny enough not to get put out in the cold when Gordon limped into the top job: he is obviously an astute operator. In person, he comes across as a decent bloke: straight-shooting without being too much of a grandstander, socially accomplished without being too oily. In short, he is about as tolerable as a 2009-vintage Labour junior minister could be expected to be.

Anyway, none of this should really matter, because rules is rules. But is the “second homes” rule actually becoming unenforceable? The practice of MPs claiming for a second home allowance – as McNulty has done, without committing any offence, mind you – when they live so near to Westminster is clearly endemic, as are similar exploitations of grey areas in their allowances.

These people are, after all, career politicians: they’re naturally going to take the freebies where they can. Maybe the time has come to change the rules so that those within a certain number of miles of the Palace have to simply put up with living in one home, the poor dears.

Christopher Kelly, the chairman of the Committee on Standards in Public Life, speaks of “restoring public confidence”. I would ask: “What public confidence?”

The public believes that, by and large, MPs dip their bread wherever it’ll squeeze in. The rules should be updated to avoid the sort of technically-nothing-wrong-but-a-bit-cheeky situations such as McNulty’s, and allow the people to save their ire for the genuine crooks and rotters.

Tory schism hints at dark days ahead

by Greg McDonald

The Conservative rift over Ken Clarke’s embarrassingly public downgrading of George Osborne’s totemic £1m inheritance tax (IHT) policy may be reason for the Shadow Chancellor to be nervous – but more significant is the evidence it provides of the new political reality that future governments’ hands will be tied.

Lest we forget, Osborne’s IHT promise, made back in the boom times of the 2007 Conservative Conference, was the boldest moment in Tory electioneering in a generation, definitively capturing the initial sunny appeal of optimistic Cameron Conservatism.

It not only bounced Gordon Brown’s snap election out of the park – Osborne’s policy turned him from a relative unknown into a future Tory Chancellor.

So the last Tory Chancellor’s downgrading of the policy to mere “aspiration” is the humiliation Ken Clarke’s return to the cabinet always risked.

Conservative confusion over the issue is also indicative of wider tax divisions in the Tory ranks, with Boris Johnson’s recent outspoken opposition to Cameron’s accommodation of Labour’s 45p top rate seen by some as the first shots of a distant future leadership campaign.

Yet this rift is ultimately neither about party politics nor a result of tensions between Osborne and Clarke or David Cameron and his party. It’s part of the new political reality in which the sheer scale of the downturn means all parties’ manifestos will be written with one hand tied behind the author’s back.

Caption competition: Amy Winehouse

by Simon Glover

We asked what was being said as Amy Winehouse and her father Mitch arrived at City of Westminster Magistrates Court in London for her court appearance on an assault charge?

Winner

Amy: "Mum said I was the best 'air brass player' she'd ever seen." Mitch: "Alright luv, don't blow your own trumpet."
Rob from Redhill

Runners-up

"You get a great view of The London Eye from here."
Tim Dean, Kracow, Poland

"Remember what i told you Amy, jab and move this time, finish the job."
Jason, north east

"'Ere Dad, bet i can hit that bloke with my pee shooter from here?"
Chris Heritage from Gillingham

See all the previous winners