Bad Week: David Cameron, Wendy Richard, Fred the Shred, Alma Harding

by Greg McDonald

It was a terrible week for David Cameron, as his six-year-old son Ivan died after a brave battle with the rare illness Ohtahara Syndrome, leaving the Camerons and their two younger children grieving his loss. Prime Minister’s Questions was cancelled and Gordon Brown led tributes in the House of Commons as sadness and quiet seemed to descend on Westminster.

It was a sad week, too, for friends and family of cancer victim Wendy Richard, the beloved British star whose roles included Ms Brahms in Are You Being Served? and Pauline Fowler in EastEnders. Co-stars paid glowing tribute to an actress who, for many, felt like a member of the family after a remarkable five five-decade TV career.

It was a decidedly poor week for RBS Boss Sir Fred “the Shred” Goodwin’s decidedly wealthy pension fund, as his reputation was, well, shredded, as when Gordon Brown angrily demanded the banker whose company just recorded a £24 billion loss forego his £700,000-a a-year retirement fund. Indeed such was the outrage that John Prescott rode in to demand Sir Fred be stripped of his knighthood for good measure.

Finally, it was a criminal week for church church-going pensioner Alma Harding, whose decision to hit a rude teenager with some rolled up church papers landed her in the dock on an assault charge. As police tot up the miserable cost of prosecuting a little old lady for standing up for herself, here’s arch grump Morrissey to remind a nation of Ms Hardings that Alma Matters.

Good Week: British films, Barack Obama, Stevie Wonder, English football

by Greg McDonald

It was a week of glory for British films, as they swept the Oscars, with Slumdog Millionaire picking up eight awards and director Danny Boyle accepting his Oscar “in the spirit of Tigger from Winnie the Pooh”. More miraculous was that, collecting her Best Actress award, Kate Winslett’s performance almost sounded believable.

It was a commanding week for US President Barack Obama, as his first speech to a thrilled Congress sent the Commander in Chief’s approval ratings rocketing into the stratosphere as he told the world “a day of reckoning has arrived”. How thrilled Gordon Brown, who this week won the race to meet Obama first, was to hear that is unknown at time of going to press.

In a rocking week all round, Obama also shared the stage with his musical hero Stevie Wonder, as the President signed, sealed and delivered the Gershwin Prize to the soul legend whose classic “'You and I” ' sound-tracked Obama’s wedding to wife Michelle. The occasion when Michelle nearly killed Stevie on the campaign trail was politely forgotten.

It was a lion-hearted week for English football as all four English Champions League sides secured strong results. A tricolour of Italian jobs saw Manchester United take home a draw from the San Siro, Chelsea prevail over Juventus and Arsenal overcome Roma, while Liverpool topped the lot, grabbing a real advantage over Madrid.

Rough justice for have-a-go heroes

by Greg McDonald

Alma Harding has been given a criminal record at the age of 63 for hitting a swearing teenager with her rolled up church papers. She should get a medal.

Let me also commend 67-year-old ex-army boxer George Bayliss from Suffolk, whose pension a young man recently tried to steal.

“I just threw a left at him”, says George – “it was a peach, a real cracker.” The man – and his two friends – fled.

When we’ve reached the point where people like Mrs Harding are put in the dock, it seems the law has an indefensible case to answer, but let's give Superintendent Richard Baker his day in court.

"Mrs Harding,” Baker explains, “hit someone on the head with papers. Is that something we can be seen to condone?"

This black joke on British justice is tragically typical both of a culture of disrespect born out of the breakdown of community and a failure of our lawmakers and judges to ensure the law’s fundamental principle is to protect the fundamentally principled.

Superintendent Baker and co, fearing vigilantes armed with The Tunbridge Wells Parish Gazette running the streets, fail to recognise that by putting policing and justice in opposition to the decent majority they ensure the very disregard for the law they seek to avoid.

Alma Harding’s case demonstrates we desperately need a new culture in which burglars entering a house, thugs waiting to mug a pensioner, or kids swearing at old ladies, are in no doubt that the moment they cross the line they forsake the protection of the law.

Caption competition: London Fashion Week

By Simon Glover

We asked what was being said as three models waited backstage to go on the catwalk during London Fashion Week?

Winner

New dress £80, new shoes £30, fancy makeup £20, but the look on her boyfriend's face with her new hair do... Priceless!
Paul.C - N.Ireland

Runners-up

"I asked the stylist to do my hair so it won't tangle, not do my hair in a rectangle"
Rob from Redhill

Winners of the 'people you dont want to sit in front of you at the cinema' contest.
Frankie, Wolverhampton

"Luckily he said he hadn't read my article in Vogue. You know,the one about overpaid and talentless hairdressers."
Euan

See all the previous winners

Jack’s finest hour

by Alan Tyers

Jack Straw has decided not to make public details of the Cabinet meetings in which the UK declared war on Iraq.

Acting in his capacity as Justice Secretary, Mr Straw used a clause of the Freedom Of Information Act (a brilliantly Orwellian touch) to stop the public finding out just how the Cabinet decided the war was legal.

Mr Straw argued that to release minutes of the meetings would damage democracy. He seems to be claiming that if people knew what went on behind closed doors, ministers would not be able to properly debate issues.

He said that publication of the 2003 minutes would “cause serious damage to Cabinet government, an essential principle of British democracy” .

Mr Straw argues that he is defending the political process, not the elected officials responsible for dragging us into the disastrous war. To let the public know what their elected representatives are up to, he says, would be against the public interest.

Mr Straw, we salute your massive balls. Even for New Labour, this is a magnificent piece of deception and control freakery. Surely nobody will swallow it?

Diamond geezer

by Alan Tyers

One of the great criminal minds of our time has finally been caged.

Paul Makin, a Brit, was captured at a Venezuelan airport carrying 24 kilos of cocaine. His explanation? He thought he was smuggling diamonds back to London.

Paul, truly a Napoleon of crime, said that he and his ex-wife Laura, who was also nicked, “were stitched up good and proper”.

The best bit, other than the question of how the hell many diamonds he thought were in a 24-kilo consignment, is the bait with which his connection lured him in.

“He said that he supplied lots of the rappers back home, and said that I should ask him for a diamond once I got there,” said Paul, who was already on bail for allegedly attacking a man with a machete.

Arrested on the holiday island of Margarita, Paul – from Birkenhead – faces the prospect of a long stretch in Venezuela, which is presumably no laughing matter.

It would be tempting to see this episode as Darwinism in action, but unfortunately the couple have already produced twins, while Laura has two children from a previous relationship.

And yes, they’ve already been on Jeremy Kyle: anger issues apparently.

Poor kids. Still, what sort of parents bring their children on a drug-, sorry, diamond-smuggling mission? Maybe they’re better off making their own way.

Brown wins race but no medal

by Greg McDonald

At another time, Gordon Brown’s victory in the race to meet the new US President before David Cameron would be trumpeted like a new 100 metre record – yet in economic times like these, such parochial dashes have all the significance of an egg and spoon race.

It would be a mistake, however, to treat the resigned mood among Labour supporters as mere acceptance that nothing can save their man. No, it goes much deeper than that, and not only for the party in power.

In fact, the flatlining of support for the Government, mirrored by a lack of enthusiasm for the Tories, is part of a wider-reaching recognition of political failure: not just of New Labour; not even just of the British political elite as a whole, but of the entire global free-market ideology which for 30 years has made the world more unequal than ever before and led us to ruin.

Can anyone doubt it? Iceland is bust, Japan is back where it was in 1983, every Brit is thousands of pounds further into debt, and there’s sober talk of the end of the dollar and the worst depression in a century.

The shifting ground explains why neither the electorate nor the parties themselves know what a Labour or Conservative win in the 2010 race would mean, and why in the meantime political prizes like meeting Obama first are worth about as much as a school sports day rosette.

Good Week: Duffy, Manchester United, Justin Timberlake, Lenny Henry

by Greg McDonald

It was a rocking week for Duffy, as the Welsh soulstress swept the board at The Brit Awards, taking home four gongs, including Best Album for Rockferry. Other winners included Elbow, Kings of Leon and, er, Iron Maiden, while Coldplay’s Chris Martin left empty-handed and described the night as “s***” – maybe he only caught Lady GaGa’s contribution.

It was a winning week for Manchester United, whose drubbing of Fulham left them five points clear of rivals Liverpool at the top of the Premiership, with six major trophies in a season still on. Liverpool fans are understandably bitter – but at least they had some imaginative ideas about getting their own back, as one unhappy United fan discovered…

It was a hip week for Justin Timberlake, as the pop icon with a penchant for hats was named Most Stylish Man in America by GQ. From skinny ties to the suit'n'sneakers combo, there's no denying Justin has played a part in men's fashion in the last few years – though here at GWBW we still think this was Mr Timberlake’s sweetest sartorial moment.

It was the week that Lenny Henry left them roaring in the stalls, as the comedian’s Shakespearean debut in Othello won plaudits even from notoriously hard-to-please theatre critics. Though here at GWBW we knew the role of the Moor of Venice was never going to be beyond a man who could do both Michael Jackson and Beyoncé.

Bad Week: Sir Allen Stanford, Jade, Abu Qatada, Jacqui Smith

by Greg McDonald

It was a dirt-poor week for filthy-rich cricket mogul Sir Allen Stanford, who was finally tracked down in Virginia as charges of a breathtaking £6.5bn fraud sparked a run on the Stanford International Bank. For the ECB, Stanford's sudden disappearance from the field just wasn't cricket – though as a lapful of England Wags could tell you it's not the first time Sir Allen's been caught out at fine leg.

It was another sad week for cervical cancer-stricken Jade Goody, left heartbroken when fiancé Jack Tweed, whose bail conditions say he must be back at his mum's by 7pm, was denied permission to spend their wedding night together – only for Jack Straw to dramatically reverse the verdict.

It was a tortuous week for radical Islamist Abu Qatada, though few had much sympathy for “Osama bin Laden’s right-hand man in Europe” as his fate hung in the balance. The House of Lords ruled he could be sent back to Jordan, only for the European Court of Human Rights to grant him £2,500 compensation for detention without trial – leaving the Home Office on the rack.

But while her department despaired of the Qatada case, Home Secretary Jacqui Smith had troubles rather closer to home – wherever that eventually turns out to be – as a Parliamentary investigation was launched into her second home allowance. We've a feeling Jacqui might be spending rather more time at her “main home” soon, but see if you're convinced of Jacqui’s innocence.

Gambo can’t see for Moyles

By Greg McDonald

Props to BBC DJ Paul Gambaccini for having the courage to call for the sacking of boar-sized bore Chris Moyles, rightly calling the presence of such a prejudiced oaf on the BBC “unacceptable”.

I’m no knee-jerk politically correct McCarthyite – I thought the Carol Thatcher sacking was a joke, and I’ve no truck with anything Moyles said about Auschwitz – but I’d be overjoyed to see this smug cretin off the air.

He plies an insidious trade in casual sexism and homophobia, and he wouldn’t know a good joke if it got stuck between a couple of his chins.

Some words to the wise, Chris. First, “gay” doesn’t mean “crap”, though playgrounds full of little bullies schooled on your “wit” are doubtless delighting in their own special brand of free speech as I write. Second, parading a hired gay “friend” too spineless to tell you to stick your homophobia up your very large (straight) backside doesn’t exonerate you one bit.

The dumbness of Moyles and Radio 1 is part of a wider betrayal of the young by an imaginatively and spiritually redundant society. Paul Gambaccini is right – Chris Moyles’ boorishness has no place on the BBC and he should go.