Good Week: Lee and Denise, Sir Paul Stephenson, Colin Montgomerie, Kylie

by Greg McDonald

It was a chiming week for Lee Mead and Denise van Outen, as Joseph star Lee went down on one knee at the couple’s Kent home less than two years after they met when Lee was a contestant and Denise a judge on Any Dream Will Do. As Lee whisks Denise off to St Lucia, Gareth Gates will don Lee’s coat of many colours at the Adelphi Theatre from February.

It was a good week for new Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson, as Home Secretary Jacqui Smith confirmed him in the UK’s biggest policing job following the controversial departure of Sir Ian Blair. With youth violence on the up and a recession biting, we wish Sir Paul better luck than his predecessor.

It was a swinging week for Colin Montgomerie as the Brit received European golf’s highest honour, being named Ryder Cup captain ahead of such legends of the game as Jose Maria Olazabal and Ian Woosnam. You might recall it wasn’t so long ago that Monty was being slandered by Jack Vettriano for having “breasts”, but here at GWBW we’ve always said he who swings longest swings hardest.

It was a hot week for Kylie Minogue, whose raunchy Agent Provocateur lingerie commercial, on which the girl next door from Neighbours raunches it up on a rodeo bull in her knickers (don’t we all now and again?) was voted the best cinema ad of all time. Such honours must all seem like a lot of bull to poor Dannii Minogue, who, after finally emerging from her sister’s shadow as an X Factor judge, was rumoured to have been sacked from the show.

Bad Week: House of Lords, Robinho, Bill Stone, Rod Blagojevich

by Greg McDonald

It was an extremely damaging week for the House of Lords as claims that four Labour peers were prepared to accept corrupt payments created outrage across the political spectrum, prompting Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg to call for their expulsion and a re-think of Britain’s political system.

It was a very bad week at the end of a very bad month for Manchester City star Robinho, as the Brazilian was arrested over allegations of a serious sexual assault in a nightclub. Having already enraged boss Mark Hughes by vanishing to Brazil without permission last week, “Robbie” has had a torrid time since skills like these made him Britain’s most expensive footballer.

It was a dreadful week for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, who was unceremoniously convicted on impeachment charges by 59 votes to nil after being recorded trying to sell President Barack Obama’s Senate seat. Here at GWBW we never take pleasure in the suffering of others, but for anyone who does get a kick out of schadenfreude, here’s Rod daring his detractors to tape him the day before his arrest.

Finally, it was a sad week for friends and family of the late William “Bill” Stone, as the last veteran to have served in the World Wars I and II was buried in Oxfordshire. One of 14 children, Stone served at Dunkirk and lived to a mighty 108 years old. Bill, we salute you.

Caption competition: Chilly charity swimmer

By Simon Glover

We asked what was being said as charity swimmer Graham Smith braved the cold during the National Cold Water Swimming Championship at Tooting Bec, London?

Winner

"I can't believe he's come out dressed like that, I mean how embarrassing... a yellow swim cap!"
Rob, Essex

Runners-up

"That reminds me Doreen, must get some button mushrooms on the way home!"
Rob, Hedingham, Essex

"You didn't know I could lift bunting with no hands did you."
Julie Sharpe

Two young ladies cough up for Charity for a new take on “Pin the tail on the donkey”.
Rob Falconer

See all the previous winners

You can't give a baby booze

by Greg McDonald

The Government's chief medical officer, Sir Liam Donaldson, is right to send parents a crystal-clear message about children and alcohol: just say no.

Not so much as a sip of champagne at an uncle’s wedding is to pass the lips of Sir Liam’s mentally healthy under-15s – and given the evidence of the serious damage alcohol causes in children, there’s no excuse for any parent to indulge in a more relaxed attitude.

It’s true that Sir Liam’s black-and-white approach creates a dilemma for realistic parents who expect their little angels will sneak off for the odd experimental teenage session with a fake ID and a bottle of vodka behind Tesco just like they did, and wonder if a few glasses of wine with lunch wouldn’t be a better introduction.

Yet with a third of a million children now hitting the bottle every week, a change in tone from the uncertainty that has clouded advice on the issue is a necessity, and Sir Liam is right to demand clear boundaries.

Of course, maintaining the boundaries between children and drinking when it’s the kids weighing up having that last Stella in the fridge is important – but while underage alcohol consumption may hinder the development of children’s brains, parental alcohol misuse can be equally damaging to their emotions.

On what’s always a hazy issue, any clarity is welcome, and today’s advice on letting your kids drink couldn’t be clearer: simply don't.

Cop the lot

by Alan Tyers

It’s not quite promotion to captain of the Titanic, but boy does being head of the Metropolitan Police look a tough gig.

Sir Paul Stephenson accedes to the top job having been the deputy, so some of the stink of the Sir Ian Blair era remains upon him. The question of whether a new face would have been a better idea is now moot; Sir Paul has several pressing issues to address.

First and foremost, we need a top copper who isn’t the Home Secretary’s lapdog. The arrest of Tory MP Damian Green was a disgrace: the police shouldn’t be a tool of the ruling party.

Second, there’s the problem of race. Top Asian and black officers are not happy with their lot, non-white people are reluctant to join the police, and ethnic minorities don’t trust the police. Good luck with that one, Sir Paul.

Third, he’d better befriend Boris, who had enough clout to see off his predecessor.

And last but not least, apparently the job is also something to do with crime and policing as well. Youths and knives we all know about, and some progress has been made with stop-and-search. Property crime might be on the rise due to the economic downturn, so that’s a fresh set of challenges.

Terrorism – especially with a view to the Olympics – remains a constant issue.

No doubt reality won’t take long to bite: a policeman’s lot is not a happy one…

Doner = Immobile

By Alan Tyers

You gotta love a publicly funded organisation. A brilliant piece of research has emerged from the Local Authority Coordinators of Regulatory Services. They have discovered that… doner kebabs are unhealthy.
Those crazy kids at the Local Authority Coordinators of Regulatory Services! Some of the finest minds in Britain.

Anyway, “officers” from 76 councils sampled no fewer than 494 Phil Babbs, the greedy pigs, and found that the average doner contains 1,000 calories.

They also – and you may find this hard to believe – contained like a ton of salt and saturated fat.

The kebabs, not the health inspectors.

What does this elaborate, not to say exhaustive, research project prove? Well, one thing for sure: if you want something done right, don’t get local government to do it. The bungling health police checked the calories in kebabs WITHOUT salad and sauce.

And, as everyone knows, salad is extremely dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. Seriously: who gets a kebab without salad and sauce? Probably someone who has got another 493 to get through, I guess. But come on. If you’re going to do stupid research, at least do it right.

Can there be a person in Britain who thinks that doner kebabs are not bad for them? They should have saved the survey money and got some chips as well.

Beeb should cling to its principles, however wrong

By Greg McDonald

BBC director general Mark Thompson must stick to his guns and refuse to bow to political pressure to screen the controversial Gaza appeal tonight.

Despite making the wrong decision in the first place, Thompson must now make paramount the appearance of independence and impartiality he first sought to uphold.

Backing down under political pressure would undermine everything his organisation is supposed to stand for.

Just how wrong did Thompson call this? By tacitly supporting Israel’s political lie that its assault on Gaza has not created a humanitarian crisis, Thompson has unwittingly created two ironies: firstly, he has made the BBC appear to some a Zionist propaganda tool. Yet secondly, a weekend at the top of the news schedule has given the plight of the Gazans more exposure than the appeal authors could have dreamed possible.

That’s my view, and I make no more pretence of balance in offering it than I do in asking people to head here to donate to the Gaza appeal.

But Mark Thompson doesn’t have that luxury, and having made his judgment, rightly or wrongly, Thompson must not now be cowed by pressure from MPs, Archbishops, celebrities or the public – all acting in good conscience, as they may be – into undermining the BBC’s impartiality.

We are fortunate to live in a society where we can disagree with one another while respecting one another’s integrity. Mark Thompson is not the “moral coward” he has been called, and for the sake of the BBC’s appearance of independence he must now prove it by holding his nerve

Bad Week: Posh Spice, Mark Hughes, British economy, everyone!

by Greg McDonald

It was a flat week for Posh Spice as Victoria's sharp new dress collection, flourishingly revealed in a Russian Vogue cover shoot, was blasted as being "for older women - not stuff we would wear" by pop siren Cheryl Cole. And they used to be such good friends! So is Posh's designing off-key? Or was Cheryl sounding a wrong note?

It was a dirt poor week for filthy rich

Manchester

City

boss Mark Hughes, as a squad of the world's best goal-scorers, including Kaka and Thierry Henry, turned down bank-breaking offers to join Hughes’s Sultans of Bling. In fact, it seemed that such was the desire not to play for City that their own South American superstar Robinho vanished. Hughes – who knows a thing or too about scoring goals – was not amused.

It was the worst week in decades for the British Economy as the global capitalism meltdown saw repossessions up a home-wrecking 92%, the manufacturing outlook the bleakest in 28 years, and almost two million out of work. About the only place the talk wasn’t of prospects heading south was Northern Rock, where staff were too busy collecting their bonuses.

Finally, it was a bad week for, well, everyone, as scientists declared this to be not only the most miserable week of the year but the most miserable week since they thought up the concept of measuring such things! If the weather, the short days and your broken new year’s resolutions weren’t getting you down, there was news that we’re officially in recession. To play us out this week, here’s Julie Andrews looking on the bright side.

Good Week: Barack Obama, Brad Pitt, Ken Clarke, Jonathan Ross

by Greg McDonald

It was an historic week for Barack Obama, as the 44th President of the

United States

’ long journey ended – and began – when he was sworn into office before two million people, plus the gazillions watching on TV. The feeling of change seemed to have adversely affected Chief Justice John Roberts, who accidentally changed the Oath of Office, possibly making Joe Biden president.

It was a heavenly week for Brad Pitt, as the Benjamin Button leading man joined his acting “gods” with an Oscar nomination – a long pilgrimage for the teen soap star from

Dallas

. Poignantly, Heath Ledger was also posthumously nominated for an award for his role as the Joker in Dark Knight.

Give that business secretary a cigar! With a political conjurer’s puff of smoke, it was the week Ken Clarke returned to frontline politics, as David Cameron took a huge political gamble in the battle for the next general election. Is Ken the brilliant chancellor who left Gordon Brown a now squandered golden economic legacy? Or a third world cancer peddler? The electorate will decide.

And Ken wasn’t the only wealth generator extraordinaire making a comeback this week, as £6m-a-year presenter Jonathan Ross put his Bad Weeks behind him and ended his “Sachsgate” exile with a return to the BBC. Here’s Mr Ross talking to a shockingly healthy-looking future Bad Week Queen, Amy Winehouse, back when she was just a jazz singer from Norf Lahndan.

Caption competition: Malia and Sasha Obama

By Simon Glover

We asked what was being said as Malia and Sasha Obama appeared less than capitivated by Daddy's inauguration.

Winner

At least Bush was funny ...
Rob Falconer

Runners-up

All this just for a puppy!
Steve Stewart, Aberdeen

Oh God, please tell me they're not going to dance again...
Gary, Basildon
            
Yeah yeah, not much pressure on us to do well is there?
Meg, Wales

See all the previous winners