Real horrorshow

By Alan Tyers

Should a man from East Sussex really have been forced to take down his Hallowe’en decorations? One Graham Walls found himself the Daily Mail’s cause célèbre this week when the PC Gone Mad brigade made him remove his ghoulish collection from the front of his Hove home.

Bless Graham, who spent a somewhat freaky 600 quid on his Hallowe’en horrors and whatnot. And they really are pretty scary-looking! But Graham’s fun was cut short by his landlords, who said his creepy creatures were scaring the neighbours.

Neighbour Sally Hollis, 41, wailed: “My kids had the life scared out of them when they saw the zombies hanging on the wall outside the flat.” They can’t be any worse than stuff the kids could watch on the TV or internet, can they? Also, is it so very bad that the Hollis children were scared? Not to pick on Mrs Hollis or anything, but maybe this sort of obsessive mollycoddling doesn’t really help children in the long run.

We want them to grow up as balanced adults – maybe not the kind who spend £600 on fake zombies, but whatever  – so maybe seeing the odd frightening thing in late October is all part of life’s rich tapestry.

The real victims in all this are of course the plastic zombies – and our hearts (or should that be our brains?) go out to them.

Caption competition: Prince Charles meets dancing robot

Posted by Simon Glover

What's being said as Prince Charles meets Asimo the dancing robot, during a tour of the Museum of Science and Innovation, in Tokyo?

Winner

Harry? Well it's better than your last fancy dress I suppose!
Rob Mackem (wap)

Runners-up

So if you don't wash your hands the drier follows you and makes a citizen's arrest.
OB

Why did you put the recharging socket there?
George

No, sir, that was the punch bowl, I'm afraid. The toilets are over there.
The man, Liverpool  (wap)

See all the previous winners

BBC should have come out fighting

By Alan Tyers

The Brand problem illuminates the depth of dissatisfaction with the BBC – and they are making the situation much worse.

To paraphrase Arsène Wenger, you can bet that a large proportion of the 10,000 complainants “did not ‘ear ze incident”.

Only two people complained after the actual radio show in which, as surely everyone now knows, Russell Brand phoned up “Manuel actor” Andrew Sachs and left a message on his answerphone, with Jonathan Ross chiming in to inform him “Russell f***ed your granddaughter”. There was speculation from the pair as to whether Sachs would now “hang himself”.

Was it funny? Perhaps. Was it hurtful for the Sachs family? Certainly. Should they be asking questions about it in the Houses of Parliament? C’mon… As usual, a large percentage of the outraged are the sort of people who live for these periodic opportunities for indignation.

But almost as many are seizing on a chance to beat the BBC with the licence fee stick yet again. Ross’s six million salary makes this a very easy thing to do. By making such a song and dance about it – lead item on the News last night, Radio Five seemingly given over to it this morning – the BBC perhaps thinks it is appearing to be “in a dialogue” with its punters.

I personally hate this patronising “what do YOU think?” on one hand from the state broadcaster, and “we know where you live, scum, pay your licence or you’re going to court” on the other.

The BBC should have reacted quickly after the actual incident, either to say: “shut up your moaning, it’s comedy, get over it” or “it was unacceptable, and we have sacked x, y, and z”. The hand-wringing just prolonged the row and made the embattled Beeb look so wet.

Radical enough?

By Alan Tyers

It’s rarer than a dog that speaks Norwegian – a government plan that will surely win widespread approval.

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has moved to tighten the rules on extreme figures entering the country to come and sound off in a beastly manner.

The burden of proof will now fall on alleged radical clerics, neo-Nazis, animal rights nutters and the like to show that they are not here to cause trouble.

Undesirable sorts will be publicly identified and their names will also be given to other countries. Anything that makes the daily business of the likes of Omar Bakri Mohammed that bit more difficult or unpleasant will be broadly applauded.

Although you do worry, whenever the phrase “named and shamed” is mentioned, about lynch mobs mixing up paediatricians

with paedophiles.

But do the proposals go far enough? Never mind people who want to come in, what about the people who are already here preaching hate? Will Ms Smith play to the gallery even harder by turning her sights on them?

Let the danger junkies get their fix

By Greg McDonald

The bucket-load of criticism rained down over the weekend on Jen Longbottom, director of the extreme weather-hit Original Mountain Marathon Race in which thousands were stranded in Keswick, indicates what many of us have long suspected: we are all health and safety officers now.

Common sense may not have prevailed, but what the hell does common sense have to do with an event which states clearly on its website that it runs in October in order that “weather enhances the challenge”?

Personal liberty includes the freedom to take stupid risks, and from Sir Walter Raleigh to Sir Richard Branson, Britain has a proud history of foolhardiness: in John Stuart Mill’s celebrated formulation we’re all free to do as we please so long as we don’t harm anyone else.

Unfortunately, personal freedom has recently been given a bad name (not to mention an unfortunate wardrobe) by self-appointed champions like Jeremy Clarkson, who are so keen on the bit about their right to do as they please that they entirely miss the bit about turning off the engine if you’re melting everyone else’s eco-system. What Clarkson and co fail to grasp is that freedom must go hand in hand with responsibility.

Jen Longbottom’s marathon competitors knew the risks and were, as she says, responsible for “looking after themselves”. After a weekend’s overtime for the local RAF, there’s a good argument that it ought to be for Longbottom’s responsible friends to pick up the tab.

But so long as it’s only themselves their fun is putting at risk, it’s not for anyone else to call time on it.

Bad Week: George Osbourne, Kery Katona, Sarah Palin, Robbie Williams

By Greg McDonald

Buy George, yacht a dreadful week it was for shadow chancellor George Osbourne, whose dodgy dealings with Russian billionaires, old boys’ network pals and – who’d have thunk it? – Peter Mandelson along the warm shores of Corfu landed him in political hot water. It seems David Cameron’s No.1 ally wasn’t the only one yacht-hopping either – how will Osbourne toady out of this one?

It wash a shad week for Kerry Katona ash a shenshational PR boob shaw the shelebrity shlurring her wordsh ash she talked about her breasht reductionsh on Thish Morning. And despite publicist Max Clifford’s best efforts to attribute Kerry’s condition to prescription medication, were we at GWBW the only ones watching with a sense of déjà vu?

It was an expensive week for Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin, as her party admitted the Alaska governor had splashed $150,000 on clothes since taking to the national stage. And after we brought you this clip of Palin asking what the VP job entails, here she is modelling a hot red leather number to explain that the VP is in charge of the US Senate – the only problem being, she’s not strictly right.

Finally, it was a nightmare week for Robbie Williams, as the former Take That star revealed his sleepless nights are haunted by terrifying dreams about light entertainers Little and Large. Anyone forced to sit through the Scousers’, ahem, “comedy” shows in the ‘80s would understand Rob’s torment, so to play us out this week here’s the music biz quitter swinging back when he was winning.

Good Week: Axl Rose, David Beckham, rich tramp, drivers

By Greg McDonald

It was a rockin’ week for Axl Rose as the release of rock’n’roll’s longest awaited album, Chinese Democracy, was finally announced. Fully 17 years after Guns N’ Roses’ last self-written studio efforts, Use Your Illusion I and II, gave the world the greatest celluloid guitar hero moment ever seen, can the G'N’R singer’s new material possibly live up to expectations?

It was a good week for David Beckham, as England boss Fabio Capello reportedly found Becks an Italian job at AC Milan, possibly extending the thirtysomething’s England career to the 2010 World Cup in doing so – although Portsmouth manager Harry Redknapp had more, er, “ambitious” plans in mind. For those who think Becks has been selling himself short playing soccer at LA Galaxy, check out this 70-yarder.

It was a good week for Reading tramp Tony Silva after he discovered Sir Paul McCartney’s head in a bin – and found himself £2,000 richer for returning the waxwork to Abbey Road Studios. The 41-year-old nowhere man, who had to beg the train fare to London, said "It's the strangest thing ever to happen to me."

Amid gloomy news of recession fears and a tumbling Footsie, for once it was a good week for drivers, as Swindon Council began phasing out speed cameras and fuel prices fell to just $70 a barrel, prompting Opec to show its true colours by slashing production. As her comeback tour wins the UK over, here’s Cyndi Lauper reminding us of the days you could drive all night without seeing a Gatso - or breaking a tenner.

Hide the truth, harm the youth

By Greg McDonald

Sex education for young children is on the Government’s agenda, and about time too - keeping sex a dirty secret is like trying to protect little Johnny and Sarah from the dangers of traffic by hushing up the existence of roads.

The subject of sex - despite what you may have read in Cosmo’s latest four-part pull-out - is simple: it’s natural, it’s beautiful, and it’s nothing to be afraid or ashamed of. To teach our kids anything less will not only set them up for a lifetime of guilt but will place them in precisely the danger squeamish opponents of primary school sex classes seek to avoid.

The fact is, like it or not, the little darlings are going to find out about sex. And with explicit imagery  in every email inbox and every chart hit, the class of 2008 are going to find out younger than ever before, meaning the only question worth asking is – from whom? A factually accurate teacher deflating fears and dismissing playground myths? Or John’s brother Tim’s mate Sean who ”accidentally” clicked on the wrong link while using his Dad’s laptop?

Of course, there’s an alternative philosophy favoured by God-fearing religious types – let’s call it The Sarah Palin Method. The idea is that if mum keeps mum, the boys probably won’t notice the girls until they’re at least 21. And when your untutored teenage daughter gets knocked up, gather the family together for a shotgun wedding and call it “taking responsibility”.

Britain’s high teenage pregnancy rate needs combating, and there are three contraceptive measures that should be handed out free in every school: education, education, education.

Caption competition: Silly filly

Posted by Simon Glover

We asked for a caption for this picture of a silly filly called Gracie who got her head stuck while investigating a hole in a tree in Pullman, West Virginia.

Winner

"99, 100! Ready or not here I... Uh-oh....!"

The Man, Liverpool (wap)

Runners-up

Eeyore suspected it had been a bad idea to help Winnie look for honey up a tree.

Euan

It's a genetically modified horse chestnut tree!

James Soton (wap)

Nelly was beginning to think maybe mixing vodka and wine wasn't such a good idea.

Shaun Cowell, Buxton (wap)

Curious George

By Alan Tyers

Shadow chancellor George Osborne’s courting of a Russian bazillionaire was a needless error of judgement.

With the Tories enjoying a period of broad popularity, and almost everyone thoroughly pig-sick of Labour, the next election appears to be theirs to lose.

So why, if the allegations of banking heir Nathaniel Rothschild are true, did George Osborne seek to get into bed with Oleg Deripaska? He's the richest man in Russia – which sounds like the sort of title you don’t acquire unless you are a pretty sharp operator – but, as a foreigner, not allowed to donate to a UK political party.

Rothschild, incidentally, is described as “a university friend” of Osborne. With friends like him – and dining companions like Peter Mandelson…

Osborne says that he did not ask the Russian for a donation, but admits meeting him four times in a week. It all seems very strange.

The Tories are currently sitting on the Opposition benches for the 11th year in a row in large part because the electorate could not stomach any more of their sleaze.

People have longer memories than politicians think, and the youthful Tory top dogs should tread carefully to avoid comparisons with the ghastly Major era.