Noirin is evicted!

Posted by Stewart Turner

Ladies! Has your man gone doe-eyed, lost his appetite and started frantically scouring the Ryanair website for a cheap flight to Dublin? It can only mean one thing: femme fatale Noirin has been evicted from the Big Brother house!

A couple of days ago it was too close to call, but window-fitter turned repellent sex pest Marcus undoubtedly benefited from the Irish siren’s hideous treatment of Siavash since her old flame Isaac entered the picture.

Poor old Siavash - a man who looks increasingly like the Maharishi Yogi after falling head first into Jim Henson's dressing-up box, the poor mite even spent last night sulking on the sofa, quietly sobbing into his poncho. He and Noirin did at least have a heart-to-heart in a bid to patch things up, but it mainly consisted of Siavash mumbling: “it’s all good” ad infinitum while fighting back the tears. A rough translation: “It’s all VERY VERY BAD.”

Eviction Prediction – 31 July

Posted by Dan Curley

They say a change is as good as a holiday, but the people who say that are the same people who probably rely on glue for cheers and spend their afternoons watching Total Recall on a loop. Thanks to Ken predicting his own eviction and going over the wall last week, your Eviction Predictor is like a corpse today – well rested, but still incredibly menacing and in need of a good shake.

Two people. Two cannons. One splat. Let’s consider how tonight’s gonna roll out. Because it was so close-run, if you’d asked yesterday I’d have flipped a coin (It was 50/50 on our own voting poll.) But today is a day when credit cards can come out of the wallet/purse and be used to gamble in confidence.

Let’s start with Marcus. Built like a toilet with a face at the top that could market kidnap, he’s a man with zero game plan other than to “just be myself”, which has turned out to be like Fred West after a year in the gym. He is every woman’s worst nightmare – the sort who offers platonic alpha-male protection from the very kind of bloke that he himself is. He is a lump you’d be scared to discover, a nuisance you’d rather someone else had to worry about, and I want him to walk straight out of Big Brother and into Wormwood Scrubs.

BUT…

Noirin… how the mighty has fallen. She flew into the house like an eagle, beautiful yet powerful enough to shred a hippo’s back. But now Noirin’s more like one of the many stars in March of the Penguins, a scuttling, shapeless mound that’s no more special than that Rolo halfway through the packet. Some could argue she’s been the victim of sexual harassment – Sree, Marcus, Tom and Siavash had looked at her in a way that suggested hugs will be done with some pelvic distance, but she has played every single one of them with all the noise and poise of a drunken pianist throwing stones at the keys from a distance. Noirin – I would have preferred to see Marcus go if it were not for one single crime you committed: you p***ed on Siavash’s chips – and he is without a doubt the finest person in the BB10 house.

GET OUT!

NEXT: Big Brother 10 Homepage >>

Karly gets kicked out

Posted by Dan Curley

It was always going to be a close call between Karly and Noirin, but when Big Brother chucked her boyfriend Kenneth into the house just minutes before the eviction was announced, we knew Big Brother’s eye had turned evil. The public has seen Karly kicked onto the scrap heap, and in what surely must be one of the cruellest things Big Brother has ever done, she was given just minutes with her fella before she was shown the door. Which means she also has to wait a lot longer for her reunion action.

Five new housemates

Posted by Dan Curley

Tonight Big Brother lobbed five brand new housemates into the mix before the eviction, and here’s a quick summary of them all…

Eviction Prediction - July 17

Posted by Dan Curley

Not even an argumentative toad like Jordan could argue with this week’s Eviction Prediction – the only way Freddie aka Halfwit will be leaving the Big Brother house this Friday would be by having a freak brain embolism or by accidentally standing on a unearthed WWII bomb and being blasted over the wall. He’s been given a week-away from the firing line by the other housemates. Enjoy it as long as it lasts, sunshine – exactly one week.

Once again we have a large assemblage of attention-seeking absurdities with nooses tied around their necks. Four housemates will be sat on that couch, perspiring themselves into human putty, so let’s scratch our chins a bit and wonder who’s getting hung.

Siavash has less chance of walking the streets on Friday night than Peter Sutcliffe. He may well have pranced into the house looking like the offspring of a pagan Willy Wonka and the star of Edvard Munch painting The Scream, but he has been a persistent paroxysm of pleasure for this Eviction Predictor. His rant on gay sex, “If I was gay man I’d f*** everything in the entire club!”, was a hilarity tsunami, and he has been a constant source of nuance and wit. He is one of the few BB caged animals I’d like to have a pint with – providing he paid for it.

Sophie, Sophie, Dogface… the Big Brother 10 house without you would be like a family picnic without the bottle of vodka. Fusing all the likeability of Bill Oddie with the sexual “Cor blimey!” of Megan Fox (well, almost), she’s the kind of woman most men would be happy to have a platonic relationship with, providing they can have some pictures as well. She won’t reach the final – but she’ll live to see another week.

Which leaves us with the two frontrunners for this week’s hanging – Noirin and Karly. At the time of writing, our own eviction poll has Karly at 47% and Noirin at 44% - you might as well flick a coin there’s so little in it. Karly is the female equivalent of Kris – good eye candy for those who just want to rub chocolate on their face, but with a brain made so clearly of timber you can see the varnish dribbling out of her ears.

However, most of the Big Brother watchers here feel close to slashing open our wrists whenever Noirin comes on the screen and starts her foul whining. She walked in with all the exuberance of a peacock and quickly morphed into a depressed pigeon with a broken wing. We’re bored of you, Noirin – and it’s time for you to get your coat.

Kris evicted

Posted by Nikki Scholey

Halfwit has done it again! The Oxford graduate has survived another eviction and it was Kris who was booted out of the Big Brother house.

The housemates were flabbergasted as the womaniser's name was read out.

Kris' face was also one of disbelief when he was booed by the crowd - yes Kris we know it's hard to believe but everyone doesn't love you.

His first taste of freedom didn't taste too sweet either.

He was ripped apart by Davina and the panel which included All Saints singer Melanie Blatt who basically said he was cocky and arrogant - spot on we say! He didn't do a very good job of defending himself either.

Now, on to the question we all wanted to know what are his true feelings for Dogface? Well Kris gave all the right answers but we're not convinced.

Kris said his highlights included the tasks and his friendship with Charlie.

Will he stay faithful to the Dogface while on the outside world? Well, we certainly wouldn't bet our Friday night kebab on it!

July 10 - Eviction Prediction

Posted by Dan Curley

Last week, your erstwhile Eviction Predictor had an easy blog to write – Sree would be hitting the deck with less grace than a one-legged man trying to do a somersault. So certain was I in that piece that after my editor read it he said: “You’d better be right!” And, so adamant that I was correct about the upcoming result, I offered to come into work on the Saturday and correct all my mistakes for free if I was wrong.

I was right. But this week’s Eviction Prediction is not being written with such all-knowing arrogance. With a total of five housemates blind-folded and pinned to the firing line poles, this could go one of three ways.

Freddie aka Halfwit will survive once again. Having already won four one-on-one eviction fights against Sophia, Cairon, Angel and Sree, he is now the Big Brother equivalent of a Spartan – he’ll fight his heart out and wipe out hordes of enemies in the process, but he’ll eventually go down screaming. He’ll be in the final – but he will not win.

Fancy betting a tenner on Charlie to go? He’s every gay man and fag hag’s dream meat sandwich, a walking Oxo cube who emits sex gravy from every pore. Your eviction predictor says he’ll win the entire show, and anyone who fancies a flutter on him going tonight would be best off giving the money to a dead tramp in the hope he’ll rise from the dead, say: “I’m Jesus” and grant you immortality.

Sophie aka Dogface is not immune. We at Orange have a lot of time for her – she’s vastly more physically attractive than the Jordan/Jodie Marsh synthesised sex kittens of this world, while at the same time possessing a personality so down-to-earth you’d happily do the gardening with her. But pretty women don’t do well in Big Brother – Chantelle Houghton is the only exception to this rule who springs to mind, and she’s an acquired taste for sure.

So we’re left with Kris and Marcus. Kris is just a mouthful of Greek salad – totally unsatisfying but has a hint of flavour if you chew hard enough. If we had to pick, we’d go for Marcus being given the boot. The Indian accent he used on Sree will have earned him thousands of eviction phone calls… at the same time, he’s clearly a bit of nationalist who might get thousands of BNP votes to keep him in…

SEE ALSO:

Housemates turn on Halfwit... again >>
Nikki returns to Big Brother >>
VOTE: Who else should return? >>

Sree - get out!

Posted by Dan Curley

When Big Brother asked Sree what he thought his chances of surviving the eviction were a couple of days ago, he said: “200%!” But tonight, the only two large things he got were two gigantic fingers from the public telling him exactly where to go. Sree has been slung into the BB skip, where we have no doubt he’ll be looking for bits of wood to put together so he can assemble a pole vault, allowing him to fly back into the house to further sex-pest Noirin.

He was an excruciating contestant to watch for pretty much all of his time in the house. Possessing less sexual awareness than a heroin addicted weasel, he spent his entire time scurrying after Irish beauty Noirin in such a creepy fashion that it made us want to rip out our own teeth and use them to chew our own eyeballs to bits. A man clearly with no plutonic female friends, we wouldn’t be surprised if the only woman he knows in the outside world is the one who spat him onto it.

Sree’s last show was not an uneventful hour - his feud with Marcus transcended from heated into a full-blown Chernobyl meltdown. Ignited by Marcus putting on an Indian accent in a scene that smacked of Jade Goody’s (RIP) run in with Shilpa Shetty, this escalated to Marcus pretty much threatening him: “Why don’t you come over here and make me shut up? Don’t say a single thing inside here - let’s see if you’re so brave outside!” Marcus – you’re a bad, angry and ill-conceived bloke, and we hope you’re next out so you can dust off with Sree. Providing Sree can have a baseball bat with nails in it - it could be good fight.

Sree walked into the most volatile volley of boos in recent Big Brother history, and things got worse as he walked down the ramp only to meet Kelly Osbourne, who according to Davina is a “Big Brother expert and fan”.

The virtuoso didn’t fail to impress with her BB wizardry: “Which one’s Marcus?” and “Noisine, Narine, what’s she called again?” were two of her expert contributions. Please leave our TVs alone, Kelly, and go and get job.

When Davina quizzed Sree if he really was in love with Noirin: “No, not at all.” So that’s the end of that then. The whirlwind stalk-mance is over.

Goodbye Sree. And if you ever find yourself around our way – leave, or we’ll get a court injunction against you AND release the hounds.

Next: Big Brother 10 body lingo special >>
Next: What next for Freddie? >>

Freddie vs Sree - Eviction Prediction

Posted by Dan Curley

Only a foolish soul would place money on sleaze-dog Sree surviving tonight’s eviction battle against Freddie aka Halfwit. In fact it would be a gambling endeavour almost as idiotic as playing Russian Roulette with an Uzi and offering to go first.

A glance at the odds the bookies are offering just about says it all. Halfwit is not only favourite to survive but is outright favourite to win the whole thing, with odds hovering around the 2/1 mark. Sree, on the other hand, has odds of 1/239 in some camps. Fancy a flutter on the irritant? Buy a lottery ticket – you’ve more chance of winning (and you’ll get millions instead of £239).

It’s not just that Freddie’s already survived eviction bouts against Sophia, Cairon and Angel (making him astonishingly battle-hardened), it’s mainly that Sree is a creepy little so-and-so who leaches around the house like an adopted stray dog who just wants to have sex with women’s legs.

His horrifying sex-pestering of Noirin will earn Sree countless phone calls to get him slung out with the BB rubbish – and we wouldn’t be surprised if some people have called 999. His tragically transparent game-playing (remember his pathetic tears in the Diary Room near the start when he was a non-housemate? Boo-hoo!) and to top it off, there’s his crap “look at me!” clownery during every task (although to be fair, all the housemates are a bit guilty of that).

All these things have led him into tonight’s firing line. And he will get shot – in the head. Come back at 11.30pm tonight for the inevitable result…

Next: The Big Brother 10 homepage >>