Halfway House: the plan

Posted by Will Parkhouse

This Halfway House to-ing and fro-ing is all ridiculously confusing, but here’s a quick summary what’s happened and what’s going to happen, in five easy steps:

1. The real housemates have chosen Halfway Housemates David and Kara-Louise to be real housemates. Not sure why they went for K-L – she’s like an irritating office desk toy that laughs when you look at it. Anyway, those two have now moved into the real house.

2. BB then asked the real housemates to choose one of their number to go into the Halfway House, warning them that the person they chose “might never return”. Ziggy volunteered, probably feeling he needs to atone for making Chanelle’s life hell. "I'll go, I could do with some time out of here. Pick me, seriously," he said, like some kind of Homeric warrior. So they did.

3. Big Brother announced this afternoon that “this week, there will be two more opportunities for Halfway Housemates to win full Housemate status and move into the main Big Brother house”. WARNING: Shanessa may take this as another opportunity to remove her bikini top. Be ready to gouge your eyes out in case she does.

4. According to BB, there is also a chance that some more housemates will move the other way and become Halfway Housemates.

5. And here’s the biggie: in two days' time, everyone living in the Halfway House will face the public vote. This could be interesting. If the likes of Shanessa, Amy and Jonty are still in the HH with the now-very-unpopular Ziggy by the end of the week, will the public choose to vote out an uninteresting newbie who’s failed to impress, or an old hand who’s dropped the ball? The latter, I imagine.

Brian quote of the day: girls

Posted by Will Parkhouse

"Shanessa, 'cause Big Brother said somebody who's got Big Brother magic, and Amy, 'cause I think it'd be interesting to see how she'd develop in the House."
Brian states his reasons for choosing Halfway Housemates Shanessa, a former lapdancer, and Amy, a glamour model

Chanelle walks

Posted by Will Parkhouse

She's finally gone. There was a bust-up with Ziggy earlier, but apparently this time it was serious.

Watching the live feed earlier, we saw Sam with her ear pressed up to the Diary Room door, looking very scared. Weirdly, Chanelle seemed to have left a cushion on her bed with some photographs on top of it. Then Carole started talking about how Chanelle's comings and goings yesterday really upset people.

Carole then told the twins that Chanelle had spent half an hour in the Diary Room, adding, “She couldn’t live without Ziggy and she couldn’t live with him." She was being very matter-of-fact about it all, putting in a lot of good words for Ziggy.

Meanwhile, the twins were genuinely distraught. Ziggy was sitting in the garden with his head down and was thinking very hard. The atmosphere seemed very weird. And then E4 live feed programme ended. D'oh!

Anyway, here's Channel 4's statement, just in:

After spending Sunday trying to make up her mind, Chanelle has decided to leave the Big Brother house for good. Having previously considered quitting the show, Chanelle's latest break-up with Ziggy has prompted her to pack her suitcase for real this time.

On Sunday evening Chanelle had said she would sleep on her decision to leave but following a blazing argument with Ziggy on Monday lunchtime, Chanelle told Big Brother in the diary room that she would like to leave the Big Brother house.

Speaking to Big Brother, Chanelle said: "I'm grateful to have been here for nine weeks but I'm missing my family and friends. I can't live in the same house as Zac and he probably deserves to be here more than I do. I'm excited to be seeing my Mum but I also feel embarrassed as I've made a fool of myself. Thank you for having me. I really appreciate that you've let me on to the programme."

Chanelle also added jokingly: "Now I can meet Victoria Beckham and catch the Spice Girls tour before it finishes!"

Chanelle left via the diary room without saying goodbye to her fellow housemates, although she had already said goodbye to them on Sunday.

Shame. I thought she was a good housemate - fun, charming and only occasionally irritating. And I don't think she really embarrassed herself. Love makes fools of us all, as the Bard wrote.

OK now go, walk out the door

Posted by Amanda Vlietstra

Oh for god's sake. I'm watching the latest Big Brother, whilst simultaneously catching up with Chanelle's rubbish attempts to leave the house on the Orange BB live news feed, and all I can say is WHY? Why on earth are Ziggy and Chanelle still pretending to themselves that they're in a relationship when everyone else in the whole world can see that they clearly can't stand the sight of one another?

Ziggy's just accused Chanelle of secretly fancying Liam, even though she's shown absolutely no sign of even liking Liam all that much. Chanelle is outraged that he could think such a thing. Chanelle, love, what you should be outraged about is that Ziggy thinks you're a bit thick. He is blatantly trying to distract you from the fact he wants to get off with the glamour model from the Halfway House. He would happily let you go off with Liam, or Brian, or even Carole, for god's sake.

Anyway, the upshot of the latest tedious set of tiffs between the patronising bighead and the paranoid crybaby is that Chanelle left the house. Then came back, then left again. Then came back. Enough is enough. Stop the desperate attention-seeking, Chanelle, and leave. Just do it.

I don't like Ziggy all that much but it can't be much fun snogging someone who's permanently leaking snot and tears, or screaming in the diary room like a demented two-year-old. He says he's half the person he was when he went into the house - and he's probably right. Good lord, I actually feel sorry for him. I want him to get off with the glamour model from the Halfway House. I think he deserves a break. Blimey!

Charley goes, the new six arrive -€“ live

Posted by Will Parkhouse

When someone as horrible as Charley leaves, like everyone, I always look forward to their comeuppance and public humiliation.

But often, this weird thing happens. The second the doors open, the booing starts and their face drops, I usually start to feel a bit sorry for them. As soon as they step into the outside world, they become human again and it's that bit harder to hate them. But I have a feeling this time will be different; Charley could actually be loathsome enough forfeit sympathy.

10.01pm: ThisisDavina is cackling like a harpy. She mentions "the soon to be famous five." It is five, then.

10.03pm: The recap. Chanelle looks shocked at the news. Why? Tracey looks chuffed, as if she's actually achieved something.

10.04pm: ThisisDavina talks to the house. The crowd are still pointlessly chanting "Get Charley out!".

10.06pm: Charley walks out, all sultry. A kiss to the crowd. Then realising that they really hate her, she stops: "'ey! 'Ey 'ey 'ey!" she shouts angrily. And now some high-level pouting for the cameras. I think that eviction outfit's all right - God knows she's worn worse - but my boss has just suggested that it makes her look like Wilma Flintstone.

10.12pm: Interview time. "They're bored already," says Charley, pointing to the housemates still in the house. No, they're probably jubilant. Charley was annoyed about the boos, but claims she heard lots of cheers too. Apparently she was handing out pairs of knickers to the crowds.

10.17pm: "I thought they were phenomenal," says Charley about the crowd during her fake eviction. "Maybe I exaggerated a little bit."

10.19pm: Nice montage of Charley repeatedly calling everyone "per-thetic" and genuinely being a total bitch, proving she didn't change one bit after the fake eviction. Back to the studio and the crowd cheers, which is annoying. "I feel per-fetic, looking at that," says Charley. See what she did there?

10.21pm: Davina wonders what it was that annoyed Charley so much about the housemates so much. "Their faces." Any regrets? "No," she says, playing with her hair.

10.24pm: Best bits. The best of the best bits is Brian saying: "She's got more layers than about 50 onions put together." Brian to win!

I feel actually bit let down by that - it all seemed quite tame. Charley took the whole thing in her stride and although Davina said the eviction crowd had never been so snarling, I'm not sure the atmosphere came across. But maybe my senses have just been dulled by the packet of Fruit Pastilles I just ate. Where now for Charley, then? I think she should get a job mending computers - apparently she's South London's top IT girl. BOOM BOOM.

10.30pm: Apparently the new housemates are in the crowd. Weird!

10.31pm: The new lot:

Amy, 21, glamour model

Jonty, 36 museum visitor attendant

Shanessa 27, care worker

David, 25, visual manager

Kara-Louise, 22, student

10.34: Busty glamour model Amy (left) goes in, and nearly pops out. Jonty, the 36-year-old virgin, enters, clutching a toy monkey. Shanessa, wearing a bizarre skimpy pink thing, poses for the cameras. David, a pagan who looks like a Manic Street Preachers reject, ascends the stairs. Kara-Louise, the girl who can't stop laughing, grins for the paps. The five stand on the footbridge and get frisked. In they go!

10.37pm: Jonty's the only one not wearing a dress. And he appears to be wearing a purple dressing gown. The quintet wander into the house. It's empty. They get sent into the Halfway House and don't seem too pleased by it. Back in the bedroom, the real housemates are confused. "Newcomers?" says one. Then, Carole: "Intruders." It's not Lost, love.

10.39pm: Our housemates, then, know The Others are there. David, the Scottish "visual manager" (what?) goes to the diary room and appears on the screen in the main house. "He was in my auditions," shouts Liam. "He's gay," says Gerry.

10.40pm: Each of the Halfway Housemates will have the chance to visit the main house, says Big Brother. On Monday, two Halfway Housemates will be chosen by the main housemates to become real housemates. Sorry if that sentence had too many incidents of the word 'housemates' in it. I'm doing my best here.

10.42pm: David, fresh from his Diary Room briefing, goes into the main house. The old lot clap their hands and jump up and down. David has already charmed Ziggy, according to ThisisDavina.

10.44pm: The pagan asks the profound words that are always uttered by newcomers, without fail: "Is there any alcohol?"

And that's that. Goodbye Charley, hello new freaks. You're all crazy.

PS: You can see the pictures of the new lot going in by clicking here - you can also vote on whether you think they should become real housemates or be sent back to obscurity, where they probably belong.

The big eviction and the new six – live!

Posted by Will Parkhouse

The Char-lady is coming out! Okay, that’s not officially confirmed yet, but even against the everyday-we-love-her-less-and-less stylings of Tracey, she’s still going to be crushed into angry little pieces.

I’ll be live-blogging the lynching/eviction from 8.30pm this evening and giving first impressions of the new housemates, so do drop by then, refresh your browser a few times and leave a comment. Dare you.

By the way, quick warning: it being a Friday afternoon, we had a few technical problems over at Orange Towers earlier. In preparation for everything breaking, I have a warm bottle of Champagne, a copy of Nuts and an apple sitting on my desk, which should provide ample entertainment if the interweb comes crashing down.

8.27pm: "Things are about to heat up," warns ThisisDavina, in front of what she describes as a "baying crowd". Although we were all expecting the shouts of "Get Charley out", these are really loud. REALLY loud.

8.30pm: Wow! They're playing the sounds of the mob over the credits! This is history in the making! ThisisDavina recycles the hilarious "anchors" joke they've been milking all week. Let it lie, guys.

8.33pm: Catch-up time. Carole is muttering about giving everyone "a condom teach". Chanelle covers her head with her duvet. As you would, frankly.

8.35pm: The housemates have been working on the shopping list "for the last 17 minutes", we hear. Presumably this means that it's actually someone's job to time housemates doing stuff. Jeepers creepers. "Brian and Liam are on the fish phone to no one", announces the wonderful Marcus Bentley in those dulcet Geordie tones. Meanwhile, Amanda, who always seems quite involved in the shopping lists for some reason, has asked Big Brother for pink hair dye. Hmmm.

8.43pm: Break-time. The good thing about working the evening shift is that all the supermarkets sell their sandwiches for reduced prices. I've laid my hands on a peppered beef white baguette, which is turning out to be quite delicious. And all for only 99p!

8.47pm: "...Big Brother opens the doors to The Halfway House," announces ThisisDavina, which shuts the angry mob up good and proper. For about ten seconds.

8.50pm: Chanelle's talking to Brian and Sam in the caravan about Charley. Bitching about Charley doesn't count as bitching, does it? You can't accuse the entire country of being two-faced. "How can you have that many friends if you treat them the way you do?" ponders Brian. He may not be knowledgeable, but he's a bright cookie, that's what I think.

8.51pm: The phone rings! It's the BB Australia house! They're all stupidly good-looking and tanned and make our lot look like they've been hit with the ugly stick, then forced to eat it, regurgitate it and eat it again. Australian housemate "Alisha" has the dubious honour of getting to chat with Charley. Brian grabs the phone and promptly tries to chat Alisha up. The scoundrel.

8.58pm: Slam on the breaks. Time for a sausage roll.

9.03pm: "Tonight's going to be a monster," says ThisisDavina. She does an "'avin' it large" Tracey gag, which no one laughs at.

9.04pm: "Taking turns is the key, right?" says Liam, giving the twins some heartfelt life advice. Is he suggesting some kind of threesome, perhaps?

9.07pm: "I need S.E.X. Sex," explains Gerry to Carole, who doesn't seem particularly interested.

9.08pm: Charley's in the Diary Room being given a quiz in which he has to guess the noise BB plays her. She gets the sound of Ziggy and Chanelle snogging and perhaps, er,  other stuff. Charley looks physically repulsed. BB plays it again.

9.10pm: The housemates hear the results of the noise quiz. The noise of Liam passing wind is genuinely astonishing. They win a basket of toilet rolls, each of which has their faces printed on. "Why's my face on a s*** rag?" wonders Brian. "Personalised toilet paper," explains Big Brother, who's turned out to be quite a joker this year.

9.13pm: This sausage roll is lasting me ages.

9.16pm: Welcome back. Thanks. ThisisDavina is banging on about the Halfway House again, but hold on, what's this? She said "five" new housemates are going in. Isn't it supposed to be six?

9.19pm: "Actually, I'm one of the experts in artefacts of the bronze age around the world," says Gerry. I'm not sure why.

9.20pm: Ziggy's taken Carole aside to apologise for swearing at her. She's started crying. Little does the Zigster know that Carole nominated him this week. "I will miss the bitch," says Gerry in the Diary Room, about You-Know-Who. Kind of a back-handed compliment there, Gez.

9.24pm: Brian's ears have pricked up. Him and Tracey, sitting in the garden, can hear something outside. "Charley," yells a yob.

9.25pm: ThisisDavina speaks to the house. The housemates can hear the "Get Charley out"s as clear as day. Tracey looks relieved even before she's heard McCall's cry of "Charley!"

9.27pm: "They were chanting it heavier, really angrily," says Charley, before pointing out that they were booing Tracey as well. And that's why we hate you, Charley.

9.28pm: Ziggy looks like he's just won the bloody lottery! Charley goes to the mirror and performs that cross-eyed breast-adjustment ritual she does. Time for a break. I'll be back in half an hour after Star Stories, which we've reviewed here, incidentally. If you don't fancy that, see what Lesley said about the soon-to-be-lynched Charley here.

Tracey Keitel

Posted by Will Parkhouse

I’ve been trying to work out for ages who she reminded me of.

It’s Harvey Keitel. “Just because you are a character doesn't mean that you have character,” as his character Mr Wolf memorably said in Pulp Fiction. That’s Tracey all over, I think.

Brian quote of the day: It girl

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Yes, BQOTD is back! Today the Basildon behemoth provides us with further proof that he’s wise beyond his years.

"You spend so much time going on about how much of an It girl you are - who gives a f***ing s***?"

No prizes for guessing who he’s talking to there.

Who'll win?

Posted by Will Parkhouse

Okay, it’s the calm before the storm. It’s cards on the table, money where your mouth is, stick your neck out time. Before the new lot come in tomorrow and mess everything up – we’ll be blogging it live from 8.30pm, by the way, so keep it Orange – here are my predictions.

Brian – winner
2nd: Liam
3rd: Chanelle
4th: Sam or Amanda
5th: Sam or Amanda
6th: Carole
7th: Gerry
8th: Ziggy
9th: Tracey
10th: Charley

Isn’t it funny to think that Brian and Liam weren’t even in the house until week three? Now it’s hard to imagine life without them. Did I say life? I meant Big Brother. No, I did, really.

Who’s your money on?

Six of the best

Posted by Will Parkhouse

So here’s what we know from BBLB last night. Six new people are going in on Friday. They will be men and women. But not all will become fully-fledged housemates.

Basically, it’ll be a bit like the thing with Eugene, Kinga and Orlaith in BB6, won’t it? Or, less memorably, when Jonathan, Spiral, Jennie, Michael and Jayne went into the House Next Door in BB7. God, those five were rubbish weren’t they? Let’s hope the producers have saved some good ‘uns for us. Because there’s going to be an enormous Charley-shaped hole by Friday evening.